Sunday, December 5, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
just enough light
just enough light
"sometimes only the step i'm on, or the very next one ahead, is all that is illuminated for me. God gives just the amount of light i need for the exact moment i need it. At those times i walk in surrender to faith, unable to see the future and not fully comprehending the past. And because it is God who has given me what light i have, i know i must reject the fear and doubt that threaten to overtake me.
i must determine to be content where i am, and allow God to get me where i need to go. i walk forward, one step at a time, fully trusting that the light God sheds is absolutely sufficient."
~stormie omartian
Friday, October 29, 2010
making my life beautiful
For months, I've been praying for God to show me how to be intimate with Him, how to be completely vulnerable with Him. Little did I understand what I had asked for.
I was holding a small baby the other day and she began to cry because how I was holding her, but once I wrapped my arms around her bringing her closer to my chest, she felt secure and calmed down. She was completely dependent on me so that she wouldn't fall and she longed for that security. It felt so similar to how we have intimacy with God. It comes from those moments when we are completely dependent on him and all we know to do is draw closer. Intimacy with God will never come out of a mediocore walk with him, it will never bloom from a comfortable lifestyle. Learning how to be vulnerable and intimate comes in times of brokenness, when all we know to do is to cling to him as a small child, surrendering all we have.
Moses is one of my favorite people in the Bible. He is vulnerable and scared, and he clearly expresses that to God before he goes to Egypt to free the Israelites - he felt completely inadequate for what God was asking of him. In Deuteronomy 1:29, he is speaking to the Israelites and reminding them of God's promises. They had been wandering aimlessly, walking in doubt and fear, and Moses is trying (yet again) to reassure them of the promises of God so that they can go forward. Moses reminds them of the work God did in Egypt, he reminds them that God provided and worked everything out for their good, that God protected them and he is faithful to do it again. I love what Moses says,
"... do not be terrified, do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."
How different would our lives be if we could truly understand how he cares for us? How different would my walk be if I was truly resting in knowing that he loves me and cares for me? How many believers are hindered in their intimacy with God because they doubt the love he has for them? What would it take to convince me of God's love? A cross, perhaps?
At this time in my life, all i know to do is depend on God. Like I said, little did I know what I asked for, but there is something truly beautiful in a intimate life spent with him.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 ~ "He has made everything beautiful in its own time."
I was holding a small baby the other day and she began to cry because how I was holding her, but once I wrapped my arms around her bringing her closer to my chest, she felt secure and calmed down. She was completely dependent on me so that she wouldn't fall and she longed for that security. It felt so similar to how we have intimacy with God. It comes from those moments when we are completely dependent on him and all we know to do is draw closer. Intimacy with God will never come out of a mediocore walk with him, it will never bloom from a comfortable lifestyle. Learning how to be vulnerable and intimate comes in times of brokenness, when all we know to do is to cling to him as a small child, surrendering all we have.
Moses is one of my favorite people in the Bible. He is vulnerable and scared, and he clearly expresses that to God before he goes to Egypt to free the Israelites - he felt completely inadequate for what God was asking of him. In Deuteronomy 1:29, he is speaking to the Israelites and reminding them of God's promises. They had been wandering aimlessly, walking in doubt and fear, and Moses is trying (yet again) to reassure them of the promises of God so that they can go forward. Moses reminds them of the work God did in Egypt, he reminds them that God provided and worked everything out for their good, that God protected them and he is faithful to do it again. I love what Moses says,
"... do not be terrified, do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."
How different would our lives be if we could truly understand how he cares for us? How different would my walk be if I was truly resting in knowing that he loves me and cares for me? How many believers are hindered in their intimacy with God because they doubt the love he has for them? What would it take to convince me of God's love? A cross, perhaps?
At this time in my life, all i know to do is depend on God. Like I said, little did I know what I asked for, but there is something truly beautiful in a intimate life spent with him.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 ~ "He has made everything beautiful in its own time."
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Humpty Dumpty
This past week has been rough. I feel a little like Humpty Dumpty....broken and lying on the ground waiting for God to pick me up. You may know what I'm talking about.
Have you ever had someone reject you?
Have you had someone that you love not be able to handle correction or instruction that's for their good?
Have you had someone make you feel worthless and easily replaceable? {everything that contradicts God's word}
Satan had his game plan set for me to struggle with worry and doubt for the past month. I've been debating whether or not to be involved with a particular group. I've doubted participating because of the hardships that I had last year. I've prayed for particular people - for God to give me wisdom. This has been a very hard week. I have felt like everything I've done has been pointless and made no difference at all. "Friends" who know about it {because they saw it} still have yet to call me. {just read the previous post on distant friendships and THAT is why i distance myself}.
I have officially watched as Satan has used individuals to cause division in the body of Christ. God has already told me that they will again cause a divide where there is supposed to be unity as brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that others are going to have a hard time and God has specifically told me to pray for them, and I will.
Since my life has been flipped upside-down recently, I have had multiple people approach me about my value being in Christ and not in these things. These individuals do not know each other, yet both have reaffirmed my faith. {truly a blessing i really needed to hear} God has given me a sweet peace and comfort through this but it's still hard. It comforts me to know that He is faithful and good to those who love Him, to know that I'm completely surrounded by His love! THAT is my joy. And only that.
{one of the many scripture readings this week}
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." ~ john 15:5
Have you ever had someone reject you?
Have you had someone that you love not be able to handle correction or instruction that's for their good?
Have you had someone make you feel worthless and easily replaceable? {everything that contradicts God's word}
Satan had his game plan set for me to struggle with worry and doubt for the past month. I've been debating whether or not to be involved with a particular group. I've doubted participating because of the hardships that I had last year. I've prayed for particular people - for God to give me wisdom. This has been a very hard week. I have felt like everything I've done has been pointless and made no difference at all. "Friends" who know about it {because they saw it} still have yet to call me. {just read the previous post on distant friendships and THAT is why i distance myself}.
I have officially watched as Satan has used individuals to cause division in the body of Christ. God has already told me that they will again cause a divide where there is supposed to be unity as brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that others are going to have a hard time and God has specifically told me to pray for them, and I will.
Since my life has been flipped upside-down recently, I have had multiple people approach me about my value being in Christ and not in these things. These individuals do not know each other, yet both have reaffirmed my faith. {truly a blessing i really needed to hear} God has given me a sweet peace and comfort through this but it's still hard. It comforts me to know that He is faithful and good to those who love Him, to know that I'm completely surrounded by His love! THAT is my joy. And only that.
{one of the many scripture readings this week}
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." ~ john 15:5
some friendships are meant to be distant
{venting} Lots of things on my mind that I haven't even shared with my closest friends. I have felt slightly hurt and confused lately. I thought that through certain activities that I would meet life-long friends. Unfortunately, this has not been the case.
I watch my friends/acquaintances actions {that they are completely unaware of} and I feel that they can be very "preoccupied" or another way to put it.... inconsiderate. I have friends who I'll be in mid conversation with and they will turn their back to me and speak to someone passing by. Not just one comment or a quick hello, but go into deep conversation with them. I just feel like that is so rude. I know sometimes this has happened and the person actually came back to me to finish the convo and I was so thankful and I just thought that was so sweet.
I'm tired of trying to please people. Seriously. It's not worth my energy. It's literally drains me. I'm tired of caring so much for people who show no consideration for me. I except respect. It's really quite simple.
I keep telling myself that "i need to be sociable, i need to have people in my life and make stronger, sweeter friendships." You know what... yeah i do, but only with people who are deserving of my time and energy. Otherwise, I get hurt. I don't like it when people {multiple times} say they will join me for a get-together/party/dinner and I keep looking for them to walk through the door and come to find out, they fell asleep. They won't answer their phone because they're drooling on it!
If I have distanced myself from you, it may simply be that I'm unaware and need that brought to my attention and I will apologize. It may have not been done on purpose at all. There are however those that I have distanced myself from for the very reasons listed above.
I'm tired of mediocore friendships. I want relationships, I want to bond and pray with people, I want better communication, I want to be intimate and talk with people in a deep convo that's better than a quick hello/goodbye. I want to relate with them.... but I would really like the same thing in return.
This is my statement that I will hold to - I will not put so much effort, energy and worry into these mediocore friendships with those that have little consideration for anyone other than themselves. If I am asked why I have been distant, I will be completely honest and give correction as needed with love {as iron sharpens iron} for if we are not corrected, how can we grow? AND I will be willing to listen to correction given to me so that I may grow and be held accountable.
That is all.
I watch my friends/acquaintances actions {that they are completely unaware of} and I feel that they can be very "preoccupied" or another way to put it.... inconsiderate. I have friends who I'll be in mid conversation with and they will turn their back to me and speak to someone passing by. Not just one comment or a quick hello, but go into deep conversation with them. I just feel like that is so rude. I know sometimes this has happened and the person actually came back to me to finish the convo and I was so thankful and I just thought that was so sweet.
I'm tired of trying to please people. Seriously. It's not worth my energy. It's literally drains me. I'm tired of caring so much for people who show no consideration for me. I except respect. It's really quite simple.
I keep telling myself that "i need to be sociable, i need to have people in my life and make stronger, sweeter friendships." You know what... yeah i do, but only with people who are deserving of my time and energy. Otherwise, I get hurt. I don't like it when people {multiple times} say they will join me for a get-together/party/dinner and I keep looking for them to walk through the door and come to find out, they fell asleep. They won't answer their phone because they're drooling on it!
If I have distanced myself from you, it may simply be that I'm unaware and need that brought to my attention and I will apologize. It may have not been done on purpose at all. There are however those that I have distanced myself from for the very reasons listed above.
I'm tired of mediocore friendships. I want relationships, I want to bond and pray with people, I want better communication, I want to be intimate and talk with people in a deep convo that's better than a quick hello/goodbye. I want to relate with them.... but I would really like the same thing in return.
This is my statement that I will hold to - I will not put so much effort, energy and worry into these mediocore friendships with those that have little consideration for anyone other than themselves. If I am asked why I have been distant, I will be completely honest and give correction as needed with love {as iron sharpens iron} for if we are not corrected, how can we grow? AND I will be willing to listen to correction given to me so that I may grow and be held accountable.
That is all.
Friday, August 6, 2010
my Calling, my heart
When I was in college, I joined an intense discipleship program called Masters Commission. I knew I would be doing ministry one day and it was highly recommended. I wasn't sure what ministry, but knew my heart longed to help people. While I was in the program we traveled a lot doing skits, human videos, monologues, and leading praise and worship at different churches. We had to speak and teach sometimes too {teaches you how to completely rely on God to give you the words}. One weekend we went to visit an orphanage. This particular trip impacted my life more than I realized at the time. I was praying with these beautiful young girls who were hurting, alone, they had no family but each other. They had gotten in trouble and most had been put there by the state. I felt God pulling at my heart that I was supposed to work with youth - particularly young girls. I had so many questions - what happens to these kids after they leave the cottage? What dreams do they have? What do they want to do? Who can help them get there? My heart began to feel so burdened for them. I didn't really say anything about it, but simply began to question and pray for God to reveal it to me.
A couple weeks later, we were having drama practice which turned into a prayer meeting. Pastor Brian walks in and starts praying and prophecying over each of us. I wasn't praying or seeking anything in particular, I was simply in worship when he came to me. He paused and said "there's so much fear over you, you're afraid that everything that happened in your past will come out in your future, but God says no. He will restore and bless you. Don't be afraid.... {he paused and just stared at me for minute}. Then he says "I see little girls all around you. They need you, they need to hear your testimony and what God has done in your life. You will be a mentor and a teacher to them. God is going to use you. People will tell you that you can't do it, it's too hard... but God has called you to it and will work through you. You already know this, I'm just confirming it."
I saw this distinctly played out in my life this week. I met with a young girl to talk and pray and I was blessed to watch God work that night in a sweet way. I know God has amazing things in store for this young lady! Once again, He was just confirming the calling He has on my life. I don't exactly know what God has for the future but it's an exciting adventure!
I recently went to this week-long event called Big Stuf in Daytona, FL and it was awesome to see thousands of teenagers seeking God. I loved watching them worship and it was great to sit down with them and talk afterwards - to hear their perspective on how they view the scripture and what they're learning. {LOVED it}. My absolute favorite day during the whole trip was when the Daraja Children's Choir came to sing. When they announced it, I could not sit still! My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest! All week we had awesome worship and the musicians lead us into the presence of God. I loved it {and hope God loved it too since He was the focus}, but I did not go down front to the mosh pit every time.... however for the children's choir I was front and center! Why? Because int he words of Whinnie the Pooh, "they make my heart bounce!"
The Daraja Children's choir is from Kenya and they are beautiful, sweet orphans - they have been abandoned because their parents/family members have died due to sickness or war. They dance and sing praises to God despite everything! They are SO precious! I {love} them! My heart leaps just thinking about their joy, it's contagious!!! In America, we are spoiled with getting things our way, so fast and easy. We complain when our steak isn't cooked correctly or when our 100 channels of cable go out. These children live in horrible conditions with little or no family to care for them. There are 10 yr old little boys raising their 2 year old brothers and sisters because the parents have died. Yet... they still sing!!! They sing and dance before God!!! {pictures coming soon}
My heart is burdened for children and teenagers alike.... I just want to help them realize how much potential they have and for them to know their gifts and talents. I want them to dream big and give them hope! I would love to help kids that are struggling and in bad home situations - just to help them and show them the love of Jesus. I know I am supposed to disciple and teach them... so that they will teach others.
I feel like God is drawing me to Africa {NEVER thought I would say that}. He is pulling my heart to help the orphans there. I just don't know how it will all play out but I've already got a couple of connections to get involved with an organization called Cherish. Guess what.... they need a photographer!!! WoOooHooO! So I will probably be traveling some next year {hopefully} and I hope to be at different orphanages around the world - anywhere from Africa to the Dominican Republic. I will be assisting in any way possible and will taking lots of pics to get the word out so that people in the US realize how much help they really need. Hopefully people will give to help the kids. {just my prayer}
A couple weeks later, we were having drama practice which turned into a prayer meeting. Pastor Brian walks in and starts praying and prophecying over each of us. I wasn't praying or seeking anything in particular, I was simply in worship when he came to me. He paused and said "there's so much fear over you, you're afraid that everything that happened in your past will come out in your future, but God says no. He will restore and bless you. Don't be afraid.... {he paused and just stared at me for minute}. Then he says "I see little girls all around you. They need you, they need to hear your testimony and what God has done in your life. You will be a mentor and a teacher to them. God is going to use you. People will tell you that you can't do it, it's too hard... but God has called you to it and will work through you. You already know this, I'm just confirming it."
I saw this distinctly played out in my life this week. I met with a young girl to talk and pray and I was blessed to watch God work that night in a sweet way. I know God has amazing things in store for this young lady! Once again, He was just confirming the calling He has on my life. I don't exactly know what God has for the future but it's an exciting adventure!
I recently went to this week-long event called Big Stuf in Daytona, FL and it was awesome to see thousands of teenagers seeking God. I loved watching them worship and it was great to sit down with them and talk afterwards - to hear their perspective on how they view the scripture and what they're learning. {LOVED it}. My absolute favorite day during the whole trip was when the Daraja Children's Choir came to sing. When they announced it, I could not sit still! My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest! All week we had awesome worship and the musicians lead us into the presence of God. I loved it {and hope God loved it too since He was the focus}, but I did not go down front to the mosh pit every time.... however for the children's choir I was front and center! Why? Because int he words of Whinnie the Pooh, "they make my heart bounce!"
The Daraja Children's choir is from Kenya and they are beautiful, sweet orphans - they have been abandoned because their parents/family members have died due to sickness or war. They dance and sing praises to God despite everything! They are SO precious! I {love} them! My heart leaps just thinking about their joy, it's contagious!!! In America, we are spoiled with getting things our way, so fast and easy. We complain when our steak isn't cooked correctly or when our 100 channels of cable go out. These children live in horrible conditions with little or no family to care for them. There are 10 yr old little boys raising their 2 year old brothers and sisters because the parents have died. Yet... they still sing!!! They sing and dance before God!!! {pictures coming soon}
My heart is burdened for children and teenagers alike.... I just want to help them realize how much potential they have and for them to know their gifts and talents. I want them to dream big and give them hope! I would love to help kids that are struggling and in bad home situations - just to help them and show them the love of Jesus. I know I am supposed to disciple and teach them... so that they will teach others.
I feel like God is drawing me to Africa {NEVER thought I would say that}. He is pulling my heart to help the orphans there. I just don't know how it will all play out but I've already got a couple of connections to get involved with an organization called Cherish. Guess what.... they need a photographer!!! WoOooHooO! So I will probably be traveling some next year {hopefully} and I hope to be at different orphanages around the world - anywhere from Africa to the Dominican Republic. I will be assisting in any way possible and will taking lots of pics to get the word out so that people in the US realize how much help they really need. Hopefully people will give to help the kids. {just my prayer}
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Oh How He Loves Us
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. " {Eph 3:17-21}
I went to this amazing worship service at church tonight. I love singing worship songs and being in His presence. The scripture above was read tonight and it really spoke to my heart. God has been drawing me to Himself more - to know His heart and find joy in Him. I feel so loved and blessed, yet this has to be one of the hardest times in my life. I constantly feel Him drawing me closer and speaking to me. This may seem weird to some {don't really care} but I feel as if He is leaning in kissing me on my cheek saying "know that you are loved." {luvvv Him}
I share this because for so long I have held my own sin against myself... as if the cross didn't do anything. I have walked in disobedience to something God spoke to my heart years ago. I haven't been confident enough to trust Him and believe in His words, but I've let others influence me more than God. I've allowed the negativity and belittling of others to take hold of me like a dead weight. I know now that God's will is for me to walk courageously in His love and trust Him.
Anxiety creeps in and attacks my spirit. I worry about the future.... if my sin and disobedience have ruined what God had planned. However... what if what I feel is God's plan is wrong, what if I'm wrong? What if I've misread everything? I have free will, I make poor choices and have walked in disobedience. Have I ruined God's plan for my life?
I thought I understood grace. I thought I knew God's love for me and how to love others. I am still learning so much. I will never comprehend how much He really loves me. God's grace is so undeserved, unconditional and beautiful. I can not ruin God's plan, nor can you. How could I even think that His grace was so insignificant that it can't cover my mistakes? His love is so much stronger, deeper and more powerful than I can wrap my mind around.
Oh How He Loves Us
{John Mark McMillan}
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...
Chorus {repeated}
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. " {Eph 3:17-21}
I went to this amazing worship service at church tonight. I love singing worship songs and being in His presence. The scripture above was read tonight and it really spoke to my heart. God has been drawing me to Himself more - to know His heart and find joy in Him. I feel so loved and blessed, yet this has to be one of the hardest times in my life. I constantly feel Him drawing me closer and speaking to me. This may seem weird to some {don't really care} but I feel as if He is leaning in kissing me on my cheek saying "know that you are loved." {luvvv Him}
I share this because for so long I have held my own sin against myself... as if the cross didn't do anything. I have walked in disobedience to something God spoke to my heart years ago. I haven't been confident enough to trust Him and believe in His words, but I've let others influence me more than God. I've allowed the negativity and belittling of others to take hold of me like a dead weight. I know now that God's will is for me to walk courageously in His love and trust Him.
Anxiety creeps in and attacks my spirit. I worry about the future.... if my sin and disobedience have ruined what God had planned. However... what if what I feel is God's plan is wrong, what if I'm wrong? What if I've misread everything? I have free will, I make poor choices and have walked in disobedience. Have I ruined God's plan for my life?
I thought I understood grace. I thought I knew God's love for me and how to love others. I am still learning so much. I will never comprehend how much He really loves me. God's grace is so undeserved, unconditional and beautiful. I can not ruin God's plan, nor can you. How could I even think that His grace was so insignificant that it can't cover my mistakes? His love is so much stronger, deeper and more powerful than I can wrap my mind around.
Oh How He Loves Us
{John Mark McMillan}
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
Chorus {repeated}
Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...
Chorus {repeated}
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