Preparation

"No, the kind of fasting I want calls you to free those who are wrongly imprisoned and to stop oppressing those who work for you. Treat them fairly and give them what they earn.  I want you to share your food with the hungry and to welcome poor wanderers into your homes. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind.  Then when you call, the LORD will answer.  'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply.  "Stop oppressing the helpless and stop making false accusations and spreading vicious rumors!  Feed the hungry and help those in trouble. 
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The LORD will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.  Your children will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as the people who rebuild their walls and cities." - Isaiah  58:6-12

I've been reading more on these verses and the way God was directing His people to fast.  He was teaching the people to fast so that it honored Him only.  They were fasting to "please themselves." Only with a pure heart can we selflessly serve and love others.   

There's a peace pouring over me like a heavy balm because I know God is at work, even though there have been many times lately where my flesh begins to feel anxious.  God has been speaking to me giving me clarity and guiding me.  I feel as if I am dying to myself... {SO hard} because I can be very stubborn, wanting my own way. 

In verse 10, it says that through the fast "your light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy too."  For so long, I have struggled wondering if God cares for me at all and through this time, I am realizing more how He wants me to grow and He desires good things for me.  He's not working against me, but He's longs to bless and help me grow to become to woman of God He created me to be.

What I never realized before is that His dreams for me are bigger and better than anything I could have imagined for myself!  This dying process is not easy at all.  It means He is molding me to His image.  He's taking a selfish, sinful pile of dirt and molding it into a beautiful vessel....  that's not easy. 

He is restoring everything that Satan has stolen from me.... confidence, joy, peace, my family, my future - my children, my husband, generations to come!  I see Him working and preparing me for something greater.... I've never felt this way before. {my hands are shaking just writing this} 

This very scripture and others that He has shown me are about praying {being intimate with Him}, fasting, and serving others, and through that comes healing and freedom.  Being intimate with God will change you and change your circumstances.  He works in your favor - whether you see it in that moment or not.  He is revealing to me how much freedom and joy come from serving and how fasting teaches us how to do that.  Fasting teaches us to be rid of our pride, our selfishness and to love as Christ loves.  It's really all about serving one another... and if you can't do that now as a single person, how can you do that when you're married?  Isn't that what marriage is about?  Loving and respecting someone is about serving them and to love them as Christ loves the church.  Yes... God is speaking to me a lot about marriage.  I never thought He would {not like this}.  When you have been hurt, it's just easier to close people off.  God isn't allowing me to do that anymore.  He's gently pushing my heart to move forward and walk in His promises.  I'm constantly hearing His voice and tug at my heart. 

"Be confident in the work I am doing.  Let Me lead."

He's healing me and restoring everything!  There's a sweet freedom that comes from walking in His promises.  He's constantly telling me to look forward and be confident in His promises.  God is fervently preparing me for something bigger.  It's so sweet to feel this intimate with God!  He gives me scriptures {love notes} about love and serving others.  I constantly find myself reading about words of kindness vs. words that are harsh, taking initiative and choosing to love.  Showing grace instead of criticism, being quick to forgive and slow to anger.  He's speaking to me about quality time {a lot}- to know Him deeper and spend time with Him.  One verse has constantly been on my heart in regards to love and serving others....  

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.  It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 

Oh... it's on.

At this time in my life, I have come to a significant realization.  I am starting to realize how much my life has truly been attacked by Satan because he has tried to prevent so many blessings in my life.  I've sat back and whined, been a wimp, no fighting back but I've laid there, feeling defeated and insignificant.  I've complained more than I've prayed.  I've laid down more than fighting for what I want.

I never realized how often I had allowed that to happen until now.... and now I am fighting back.

I refuse to give up, I refuse to feel defeated and run over.  I will fight for my blessings!  God is good, He longs to bless us, He wants to provide and take care of us, He wants to see us live in joy and peace!!!  Yes there will be trials but we have to walk through those with God, trusting that He knows best.

I have allowed Satan to steal my childhood!  I've allowed him to steal my joy, my courage, my family, my friends, attempting to steal my future, my future husband and children and generations to come!  I've seen him attack my self-esteem and steal my joy!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  {This is me on fire!!!!} 

He is like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour.  We forget that so often!  He may devour.  He doesn't do it unless we allow him to.  OMGosh!  The power that lives within us as believers enables us to fight back!    

I can not even describe to you how angry I am at Satan!!!  I hate him for the attacks on my life and my future!  I will fight back.  I will pray and watch God restore everything!  God will restore everything!  I will pray and see God work miracles and bring blessings and promises to pass without the hinderances that have been there before that I've struggled with for so freakin' long.

I have allowed him to steal my joy and my confidence, forgetting who I am in God and this has affected all my relationships!!!  Relationships with friends, with family, with men.  Everything he has tried to take from me, I'm taking back.

Ohhhh..... it's on.