Isaiah 54 - A Word of Encouragement

I wrote this piece a while back, months ago in fact, and kept telling myself I need to post it.  So today is the day.  Before I share my thoughts on Isaiah 54, I have to share something wonderful that happened as I was writing this piece. 

The day I was writing this, I was praying in my office at work, door was closed and I needed time alone.  I turned on an audio commentary from blueletterbible.org with David Guzik teaching on this chapter.  It was on in the background at first; I can’t write with music or people talking.  So I had started writing and praying, continually going back and forth to study.  I finally had to put the speaker completely on mute. 

I began to pray and tears were streaming down my face; fear can overwhelm me sometimes. {Just being completely vulnerable here} There are days when I feel very alone.  Despite the fact that I know I am loved, I forget God's promises and Satan attacks my heart and my mind.  It was one of those days.  

Honestly, I enjoy being single. It allows me to do things I may not be able to do as a married woman.  If I want to go out with friends on a Friday or take a random road trip, peace out! :)  I'm there!  It's nice.  And I have amazing friends and family, I love them all.  However, my heart still looks forward to one day being married with a husband/helpmate/lover and companion.  It is a desire.  And when you are single and work in ministry, let’s just say guys are not exactly beating down my door - which btw I don’t understand because we are so much fun!  And I think I’m pretty cute.  {hey, I am allowed to say that and say it with confidence.} ;) 

Anyways, as a single woman, watching so many of my friends get married and have children, it hits me with destructive thoughts, “Will my life ever move forward?” or “I need to get over this and understand that God just doesn’t have those plans for me, so I need to face facts.” 

Some people don’t believe that God speaks anymore like He did with Moses or Joshua, but I truly believe He does, because He continually speaks to me!  It has happened many times.  I don't understand it, but He confirms it every time and I know it's God.  THIS was just another wonderful instance. 

What happened?
So, when I was in my office praying, I prayed the Holy Spirit would comfort me, I think I actually uttered the words, ‘please help me. I just need to feel You.'    And I literally felt like He wrapped me in His arms and held me, it suddenly became very warm in my office.  Of course, I was crying, then I heard Him whisper “I Am enough.”  :)  

God was just reminding me of who He is and He is enough.  Everything I need.  It was encouraging to hear that, but that’s not all.  Then something odd and amazing happened… I dried my eyes and turned the commentary back on.  It had been playing but I had muted it.  When I turned it back up, the speaker was referencing verse 5. 

“For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”

He read the verse, then he said, “It’s as if the Lord is saying to you ‘I Am enough.”
Ahhhhhhhh!  I was shocked!  I couldn’t believe that just happened!  J  God's perfect timing.  It was so wonderful to hear that confirmation.  I just had to share.  Sorry this piece is long, but I do hope it is a blessing to someone out there reading this.  This was heavy on my heart for a while and felt like I should share.   Please post or share any thoughts, I love hearing from people! :) 

ISAIAH 54~

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;

break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor!

For the children of the desolate one will be more

than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;

do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.

For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and will people the desolate cities” {vs1 – 3}.

Isaiah 54 has been heavy on my heart.  I keep reading, trying to understand why God is pressing this on me. The first couple verses tell a once barren woman to now sing because she is no longer barren.  Why is this even mentioned? 

As I have been studying, I read that back then in Israel, it was a great disgrace for a woman to be unable to bear children.  So in her moments of feeling shameful, feeling alone and discouraged because of her struggle, the Lord is comforting her with a promise.  It’s a promise of restoration and blessing!  All that was the past, all the shame and loneliness she has felt, God is erasing and doing a new work.  He promises to restore and bless.  Israel will be restored like a woman who was once barren.  She is also compared to a widow without reproach.  As there is sadness that attacks a widow, God promises to stand in the place of her husband. 

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your

widowhood you will remember no more.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
⁶ For the Lord has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,” says your God.

With compassion, God responds ‘don’t you realize who I am.  I Am.  I am your Maker, I designed you and have loved you with an everlasting love.  Before I even formed you in the womb, I knew you.'

“the Lord of hosts is my name” …means the God of Heavenly armies.  Wow.  How’s that for a husband?  Nothing and no one on earth can compare!  He is saying, ‘I am God Almighty – powerful, Sovereign, and still closer and more intimate than any earthly husband can be for you.’

“For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
⁸ In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord, your Redeemer.”

God describes our trial from His perspective. God is calling us to trust Him, to remember who He is and that He will bring us restoration. 

For the mountains may depart

    and the hills be removed,

but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,

    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”

    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

“O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,

    behold, I will set your stones in antimony,

    and lay your foundations with sapphires....

He is teaching us that even though something as steady as the mountains may move, but His kindness will never depart from us!  His compassion is always there and He is reaching out to comfort those that are hurting.  A couple weeks ago, I was praying and it had been an emotionally draining weekend. I was praying and felt as if the Holy Spirit was saying to me, “why do you cry as though I left you?  I have never left you.”   I felt like He had such compassion on me in that moment of weakness.  He didn't look down, slap me around and tell me to get over it, but God had compassion on me. 

Far too often I question His goodness. I doubt Him and I don’t trust.  I struggle with thinking that He may allow something to come into my life that hurts, I’m afraid of the risk.  Far too often I view God like I do a person... as someone full of sin and flaws. I forget that He is GOD. Not a god that we have created with our hands, not a god that we made-up, but GOD.. our Creator. He is everything. He is the beginning and the end; nothing compares to Him. He is the one true LIVING God.  

When we are feel as if we have hit our lowest point, we ‘feel’ poor, weak and as though we have nothing. God is comforting his child with these words, reminding them they are not without, they are not poor but they are “rich.”   

I love Isaiah 54 and I take it as a word of encouragement directly from God, as this is the Word of the Living God, which is something I easily forget far too often. I serve the living God, He is not dead but He answers when we call and He is our strength and encouragement when we need it. 
{~ A Thankful heart} 

Listening for God...

“On the other hand, the one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation.” 4 The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself, but the one who prophesies builds up the church. 5 Now I want you all to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless someone interprets, so that the church may be built up." ~ 1 Corinthians 14:3 – 5 

"What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up.  If any speak in a tongue, let there be only two or at most three, and each in turn, and let someone interpret.  But if there is no one to interpret, let each of them keep silent in church and speak to himself and to God.  Let two or three prophets speak, and let the others weigh what is said.  If a revelation is made to another sitting there, let the first be silent.  For you can all prophesy one by one, so that all may learn and all be encouraged, and the spirits of prophets are subject to prophets.  For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:26 – 32

These scriptures are meant to instruct the body of Christ on how to use the gifts God has equipped His church with. This has been heavy on my heart for a while– how are these gifts used in the church, and why aren’t all churches practicing these gifts?  These gifts of the Spirit are wonderful blessings when used properly. But still, there are so many questions... Why is it hard to hear God’s voice?  How do we know if we truly hear the Holy Spirit or not? What if it’s simply my own desires, my own random thoughts and things I want to see, so I speak it? 

I had a youth pastor once that explained it very simply when I asked why some churches didn't practice the spiritual gifts given to the church. Let’s say someone places a gift on your doorstep, it’s beautiful, it’s wrapped in bright colored paper and it’s FOR YOU. You can open it and learn about it/from it and use it, it could be a beautiful blessing. OR you can choose to leave it and someone else that’s interested can open it, OR the gift may just sit there and never benefit anyone. That is how the gifts of the Spirit are used and not used within different church bodies. Some believe and accept it, some don’t. No one is better or worse of a person for the decision, but some are more blessed.

The gift of prophecy is talked about as the most important because it is to be used to confirm, edify and encourage believers. Christ knew we’d struggle and have sufferings in this world; we need that encouragement and consolation from the Holy Spirit, The Comforter.

MISUSED

Prophecy is also one of the most misused gifts. The thing is that, as the passionate Christ followers that we are, we can be complete IDIOTS. I mean we can be really stupid sometimes. Throughout the Bible, people are constantly referred to as sheep. Sheep are not very smart, they can literally scare themselves to death. It’s quite disturbing. Far too many times, we walk in the flesh and not in the Spirit. We do things that are not right, things that don’t line up with scripture, we don’t always honor God, we tear each other apart, we are prideful and unkind, the list goes on! How Christ-like are we, really? 

Just because you love Jesus doesn't mean you are immune to falling to sin. It doesn't mean you can’t be lead astray and lead others astray as well.

Prophecy is an important gift because of how powerfully it influences people, a person with this gift should keep a mindset that is:

HUMBLE – be continuously humble in reverence for God, recognizing that you are absolutely nothing without Him. A sincere, humble heart bowing to God is important because it should never be you speaking, but God speaking through you. You only speak what He gives you and you test everything you think may or may not be Him because even you, YES YOU, can be wrong and cause confusion.  

For he knows how weak we are;

he remembers we are only dust. Psalm 103:14

CHRIST-CENTERED – God teaches all of us to be Christ-centered, and I believe that means to stay humble, teachable and usable in complete surrender to what God wants to say. Because this is so very influential, there is no room for mistakes. There are other sheep out there that are extremely vulnerable and believe whatever is thrown at them. They soak it up because “God’s name” is behind it.

 HOLD YOUR TONGUE

For Christ followers that are so passionate and eager to be used by God, the hardest thing can be to hold their tongue. Some unfortunate souls just don’t have a filter. :)  Sometimes, I can be one of them. 

One thing that has bothered me immensely for years is when some people very loosely use the words “the Lord wanted me to tell you….”  Wow. This bothers me because of the lack of reverence for God’s name, and the over-confidence some have feeling it’s OK to say something and put God’s name behind it. 

PLEASE think before you speak or before you take hold of whatever "prophecy" spoken to you. Please question and test what you feel like saying before you say it. How do you test it? {I’ll get to that in a minute}.

There are some passionate Christ followers who desperately want to be used by God, and they're passionate about it! But I can't help but think, that in their heart, (including my own) that at times we are not truly quiet (still) enough to hear the whisper of God. 

Right now, I could bring up 1 John 4 as it teaches us to test the spirits, but I feel like that is taking that scripture out of context. That scripture is referring to the anti-Christ. I’m not referring to the anti-Christ, but I am referring to Christians that make mistakes.

I'm referring to those practicing the gift of prophecy and to those who listen to it. We are human, we are emotional, and we are full of mistakes and sin. We forget how easily we are swayed by the evil one without even recognizing it. We can make mistakes. 

So even though you may love the Lord and recognize the gift of prophecy, still I beg you to test and question what you feel you should prophecy in God's name. You can be mistaken and what you are hearing may not be the voice of God, but it could be the evil one trying to stir confusion. 

Bottom line:  There is a continuous spiritual war between the flesh and the spirit (Ephesians 6). I believe that when we do not test the spirit, it is a mistake because Satan could just as easily speak too (1 John 4:1). And he does, whether we recognize it or not. Usually we don’t because he is extremely smart. Because he tempts us all, we are all easily led astray and even used by Satan. Again, we don’t always recognize this when it’s happening and that’s the problem.

The Big Question: So how do we know if it's the Holy Spirit or an evil spirit speaking especially if it comes from a fellow Christian? How do we test the spirit?

ALL of the gifts of the Holy Spirit are given to the body of Christ, His Church, to uplift, encourage, console and reaffirm.  Prophecies (or “God told me to tell you” statements} and the interpretation of tongues should NEVER cause confusion, fear, or doubt. If it causes confusion, it is NOT from the Lord. The scriptures clearly state what the gifts are meant for in 1 Corinthians 12 - 14.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

I have been very blessed in that the majority of the time when someone has come to me with a “word from God” it has been accurate. How do I know? It’s been uplifting and edifying, it lined up with scripture or it was a scripture, and most of the time it was God clearly confirming what He had already spoken to me. These are some wonderful examples:

§ In college, I was on a ministry team and one day, our lead pastor went to each team member praying over us. Pastor Brian was and still is a very prayerful man of God with the gift of prophecy. Sometimes he would speak things and didn’t even realize what he had just said - not because he’s foolish, but because it truly was not him speaking. He was in a complete surrender to God while God spoke… not him.

He knew what it meant to completely “let go and let God” and the Holy Spirit would speak through him. That evening, I remember being in a mindset being very open to whatever God had to say.  

I was praying a little bit about my future, but nothing was a particular focus. We had recently gone to a Children’s Home and I felt that working with children and youth was something that I wanted to do. I remember being surrounded by young girls and thinking ‘this is where God wants me, He wants me to help and minister to young girls.’  Pastor Brian did not know this. When he came to pray over me he said,

“You are so afraid of your future. You’re worried that everything that happened in your past will happen in your future. God says no. He has his hand upon you and you should not be afraid. He’s bringing you out of that, and your future will be blessed. {He paused and pointed circling his finger around me} “I see little girls all around you. These children, these girls, need to hear your testimony. They need to hear what you have to say. You will be a mentor to them and guide them, teaching them. God is going to use you…. People will tell you, you can’t do it, it's too hard. But God has called you. You already know this. I’m just confirming it.”

Of course I was crying like a baby! What he said lined up with scripture, it was a comfort to me, and he confirmed what God had already told me. And yes, that prophecy has come to pass.

§ One evening I was driving home from work and I was praying. I was praying from a broken heart. The guy I liked very much was interested in a friend, not me. I was crying so hard I could hardly see the road. I remember praying:  

“God, what are you doing?  Why?  How am I supposed to know who is for me and what You have?  What are you doing?!!!”  

I think I was mid-sentence and the Holy Spirit clearly spoke,

“He will chase you as I have chased you, and love you as I have loved you.”

Over the years, I have held onto this regarding my future husband. A few years after this happened, I was telling a friend about it and she questioned me. She said “Are you sure about that? Was that really God? Because I mean, how can a man love his wife like THAT? That’s some pretty strong love.”

This upset me and I started to doubt everything, but it didn't take long before I realized that what I had heard years ago was actually in total alignment with God’s Word. In Ephesians 5:25, it teaches us how a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. I did hear the Lord’s voice and it lined up perfectly with scripture. He is our Comforter and this was the encouragement I needed at a very low point in life. I will never forget that for as long as I live and I hold to that promise.

§ Back in 2005, I was having a hard time with a bully in my life. My self-esteem was at rock bottom and this was a time when I was feeling under constant attack. One night, I was in worship and I felt like the Holy Spirit was speaking

“Walk in the promises of God. Be confident; walk in His promises.”

Then maybe 30 seconds later, my friend Cassie walked all the way to the back of the church where I was and said to me, 

“Autumn, God wants you to walk in His promises. Walk in His promises.”

{Again, this lines up with scripture – 2 Corinthians 1:20}

§ A few months ago, I was confiding to my sweet friend Meredith. She’s a wonderful woman of God and I trust her wisdom and prayers. I was worried and fearful, struggling with a lot of emotions. She left my place and told me she would be praying for me. I started to clean up the kitchen and get ready for bed and I suddenly felt like the Holy Spirit was saying,

‘No matter what, He is sovereign. God is sovereign.’

I stopped just to send a text to Meredith to apologize for my rambling and my tears, sorry to unload on her and I thanked her for being so awesome. Then my phone beeped with a text and I thought, it’s her telling me God is sovereign, isn’t it? Well… this was her text:   

“You’re welcome. We (her and my roomie) are always here for you. I’m always here to listen. The Lord is mighty and sovereign. Have a good night.”

Why am I sharing all of this? I have been blessed with prophecies spoken and God confirming things many times. God does speak to us if we are quiet enough to listen. God does still speak just as He did with Moses and Abraham.  

Far too often, our busy minds are racing thinking about our own desires, how we think things should be, and how we think things should look. We don’t live in complete surrender and humbleness. Far too many times I've seen vulnerable people {sheep} get hurt because of false "the Lord says" statements. As eager as we are to serve and be used by God, we can become overly confident in our gifts and that arrogance hurts the body of Christ rather than helps.

Most Important to Take-Away from this: 

Always test the spirit… even if it comes from a Christ follower because people make mistakes. Whatever is said should line up with God’s Word {1 Corinthians 14}. If it's not encouraging, reaffirming, or meant to console the body of Christ, and if it doesn’t line up with scripture – it is not from the Lord. Satan attacks far too often even while using other believers to do so {as they are attacked themselves}.

THINK. 

T – Is it true? Does it line up with scripture? God’s Word is Truth, so if it doesn’t line up, it’s probably not God. If it contradicts God’s character or His Word, it’s not from Him.

H – Is it helpful? Are the words bringing clarity or confusion? God is not the god of confusion.

I – Is it inspiring? Does it encourage and inspire the other person? Does it bring life or death?

N- Is it necessary? What will come if you say what you’re about to say? Is it needed?

K – Is it kind? Do I need to clarify this?

Every situation where I felt/heard God speaking to my heart was always encouraging and confirmed through scripture. It often happened that God was using someone to just confirm what He had already spoken to me, but the person had no clue! I am very thankful for all God has done. 

God, I pray that whatever You may speak to me or through me, that I would be able to react with confidence because I know Your voice, but I also pray that I would be wise and test the spirit because I know I can easily be led astray. God, help me to think before I speak. I pray that the fear of the Lord would resonate within me so strongly that I am afraid to speak out of turn… let me have no doubt and let it be confirmed that it’s You instructing me. I pray that my heart would be pure for You Jesus.

complacency?

 "The deepest conviction of sin is not that of the newly awakened sinner, but that of the most advanced saint, for to his cleansed eye and purged heart sin is a far more hideous and repulsive thing than it can possibly be to one who has just found out that he is guilty before God.  Hence, we may lay it down as a general law, without any exceptions, that when a man congratulates himself on his personal worthiness, he is really unworthy.  Here, he who is satisfied has never really eaten, or, in the words of the hymn, 

"whoever says I want no more, 

confesses he has none." 

Satisfaction with ourselves is a clear indication that God has no complacency in us.  

Humility and holiness go hand in hand."

The Miracles of our Saviour 

by William Mackergo  Taylor  

{i have not yet read this book but found this quote and it kind of struck me}

I read this and kind of tying into that {but kind of not}my mind goes to thinking of how we, as Christians, too often become complacent in our walk with Christ.  We forget the scripture that says "repent daily."  Maybe we feel it's a one time deal, we got our fix and we're good?  As Christian believers, I don't know how many of us often confess our sins daily.  I think those outside the church many times view Christian believers as having this attitude of "holier than thou.  We can sometimes get into this unfortunate mindset of 'I'm a Christian, not a sinner like those other people.'  {uhhhh I hate just typing that}.  It's unfortunate to have this attitude.... because we are saved by His grace, but we fall short everyday. 

When we meet someone who has just come to know Christ, their joy and passion for this new found truth is refreshing!  They know they have sinned and fall short {as we all have} and they jump at the  knowledge of Jesus Christ and the power of the cross!  But we "old" Christians walking with Christ for 10+ years, we don't always recognize this.  {This is totally just a retorical "we" speaking... just my thoughts of how often I do this too casually}.  We casually walk through our daily lives, praying for those that need it, praying when we hear someone is sick, pray when we need help, etc.  That's about it.  We don't jump anymore at the joy of salvation.  We casually call on God for our convenience and not always with a deep reverence for WHO He is. 

I confess – I often forget Who He really is.  I think He will fail me.  I think He’s not for me…. maybe He’s working against me… maybe He hates me, maybe He's just like people here where they fail and sin, they fall short of my expectations.  I forget His Word, I forget the cross, I forget WHO He is.  There was a song that I used to sing titled, "God Forbid."  The words are convicting: 

The more I know your power, Lord
The more I’m mindful
How casually we speak and sing Your name
How often we have come to You
With no fear or wonder
And called upon You only for what we stand to gain

(chorus)
God forbid, that I find You so familiar
That I think of You as less than who You are
God forbid, that I should speak of You at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid

Lord, I often talk about your love and mercy
How it seems to me your goodness has no end
It frightens me to think that I could take You for granted
Though You’re closer than a brother
You’re more than just a friend

(repeat chorus)
You are Father, God Almighty
Lord of lords, your King of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything

(repeat chorus)
God forbid
God forbid

Meet my cousins "Uz and Buz!"

My name is Autumn and while I like my name, I appreciate the meaning behind it more. Autumn means mature; a time of harvest; maturity. It is also my favorite season! I didn't like my name as a kid, but now i embrace it. 

NAMES - I have pondered this many times and I just thought I’d like to share my thoughts on this little blog. First, let me ask, why is it that parents, particularly Christian parents come up with the hard to pronounce, no-meaning-at-all names? Or they pick a name only for the simple {poor} reason that “it’s Biblical” without ever reading about the true meaning of the name?

For centuries, the meaning behind a person's name is very important. It's something they live up to. Names are considered one of those choices that you are to make with a sober mind and careful consideration. This brings me to my next question… why do people feel the urge to get super creative and pull some name out of their butt? {sorry for the bluntness} But seriously, please explain this to me. If you don't care about the meaning behind the name and if you are not a Christian, then I completely understand that I shouldn't expect you to honor your child with the name you choose. If you do care and especially if you are a Christian believer, I ask you to choose a name with careful consideration. 

A name is important. Even God Himself renamed people throughout the Bible because of their calling and purpose. Children live up to the name you give them. No question. They will. They always do. 

People in the Bible even changed their names to show of the type of person they were “becoming.” Think about it… in Ruth 1:20, Naomi says, 

“She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.”

It’s not a uplifting example, but it proves my point. God changed people’s names too… from Abram to Abraham, and Sarai to Sarah. It was as if He was giving them a new identity {as if the old were being washed away}. Sarai means “Princess” but God changed it to Sarah which means “mother of many nations.” This is huge! God was changing her name because of His promise to give her a child. I read that and think, this is like God saying I made a promise, I am faithful, I am who I say I AM and I stake my claim of this promise to you. Every time you are spoken of from now on as your new name Sarah, it’s a reminder of this promise being fulfilled!

Why was God re-naming people? I see it as God was giving them a name that fit their calling and purpose, it was a new identity, a new mission, a new outlook and hope for what was to come.

This is simply just my opinion based on scriptures and what I've learned. I'm tired of trying to pronounce these really hard names with no meaning behind them. I'm tired of trying to hold in my laughter when someone introduces their child "Asshole." {I'm not kidding}. 

All this said, I don't mean to offend and this is only my opinion. Take it for what it's worth, but I firmly believe names are very important. Please do not name your child any of the following: 

Princess – it is ridiculously unprofessional to see this on a future resume and I can’t call anyone that. 

Delilah – didn’t she lure men to her lustfully in sin?  
Cain – killed his brother

Judas – do I really need to explain this?

Jehovah – mmm… there’s only One and it ain't your kid. 

Ham – Hello lunchmeat?

Shem – just no.
Jezebel - you really want your child to live up to this?
Lorelai - it’s not Biblical, but according to Greek mythology, she was a siren that lured sailors to a watery grave. 
Adolf – not a Biblical name, but why would you name your child after a crazy man who murdered millions of people.

{You may laugh but it is true that these are actual names that some people like… or maybe they know that they aren’t good names and they just want to torture their own children?}
Scooter or Skeeter - are we Hillbillys? 
Jacob – I know this is a popular name, but it means “Trickster and deceiver." I've had so many babysitting jobs, I can tell you for sure, they live up to the name! 

Any thoughts?  Humor me, please.

Worship

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  We love because he first loved us."  ~ 1 John 4:16-19 

This scripture is pressing hard on my heart lately.  I can't even read it without my emotions taking over.  For those that know my personal story, which I cannot share on here out of respect to others, I struggle a lot lately with being confident in God's love for me.  

I gave my heart to God when I was 14.  I have read, studied, doubted, ask millions of questions, prayed, been in discipleship programs, involved in church youth group, involved in worship and teaching, etc.  I know about the cross and Christ giving his life for me; I've heard this for years, felt like I understood it, and found myself loving Him more because of His love for me.... then my world gets flipped upside-down and I'm wrestling with this now more than ever.  

It may be wrong to make such a statement as a Christian, as a minister, but I'm being honest, and completely vulnerable... no one really reads this anyways.  :o)  I don't want my faith to waver, but it's hard to look to God like I once did.  I am grieving a great loss. Before the loss of someone I cared so much for, I felt more confident in God.  Now, my heart feels unsure. Someone I should have known much earlier in life, but because of other people's choices, I was kept from this person.

It's hard to worship now. I really try to worship and I hope God sees that and has compassion on me.  I used to be one of the people singing in worship with all of my heart; it came from the deepest part of me. I even used to help with praise and worship music.... but now it's hard to raise my hands.

I want that passion back, I want to feel differently and reach for God with all my heart! I wish I wasn't hesitant. I wish I felt more confident in God's love for me. All I know to do is to try and keep praying and seeking Him, maybe He is teaching me something through this.

I went to the sanctuary yesterday to play the piano.  I used to play a lot.  Always was a natural at it. As I sat down to play in this dark, completely empty sanctuary, I realized there aren't many songs I know by heart.... so I played from my heart as best I could.  Sometimes when I play, I get carried away in worship... as I did this time.  So I played...

This is the air I breathe

This is the air I breathe

Your holy presence

Living in me

This is my daily bread

This is my daily bread

Your very Word

Spoken to me

And I---- I'm desperate for You

And I---- I'm lost without You

It was definitely the deepest part of my heart crying out as I played. I know God sees that.  I pray it is pleasing and moves His heart.

Love, Valentines Day, and a Book

I have a favorite book that isn't talked about very much, at least not amongst people I know.  The book that I'm loving right now is When God Pursues A Woman's Heart.  I'm re-reading it, and only in the beginning of it but already being reminded why I loved it so much the first time I read it. 

This time of year we have a made-up holiday called Valentine's Day.  It's where you take your significant other to some fancy restaurant and buy them a fancy dinner and an over-priced bouquet of roses to impress them.

The truth is a wonderful man of God should come along and take me to a nice restaurant and then to Coldstone Creamery {don't forget the Lactaid}.  Or to Ritas for ice-Italian icecream!  YUM!  :o)  Or something even more wonderfully unique like a random road trip somewhere beautiful, maybe have some crazy fun with a zip-line, or maybe ski together {I need practice first}!  There's lots of unique fun things to do on Valentines Day... maybe someone will read this and take me?  Oh I do love to dream!  I don't have a date and I'm totally making this stuff up just being funny... but it does seem like a great plan, doesn't it?!  :o)  It would be lovely to have the companionship of someone, to spend time just enjoying one another over a nice dinner.

So, the book I'm reading talks about LOVE and being loved by our Creator.  This book makes me think about how God delights so much in His creation - His children and how He loves us more than we can comprehend.... and how He delights so much in us - beautiful women.  There's so much joy He gets knowing us, seeing our hearts, our sensitivity, our laughter, and all the characteristics that make us women.  As I read, I think about how the relationship between man and woman is truly beautiful and unique, and God takes great joy in that too!  But I also think about the relationship between woman and her Creator.  I think about how God sees me as a woman, how different His delight is for me, than for anyone else.  He uniquely created me and you, and we bring Him joy. 

I think about the many times when I don't seek Him, when I forget to pray, when I'm lazy and don't feel like talking with Him, when I am tempted to walk away from my faith in Him {yes this happens} and I realize how heartbroken He is for me in those moments and how His compassion reaches out.  God understands the tears, He sees my pain and weeps with me.  I realize how this relationship I have with God is not something to take lightly, but He is a jealous God who will not let go.  This is a relationship He fights for, winning my heart again and again. 

In the beginning of the book, it talks a lot about the Garden of Eden and how Eve walked with God... then the fall to sin came and their relationship changed drastically.  It became harder to commune with Him because of sin.  Not only do we still feel that heartbreak and we have that longing in us to want to be with Him.... but imagine how He feels.  I forget about that.  He is a jealous God.  Loving us unconditionally, faithfully, and without waver.  Imagine how He felt to not have that intimate communion with Eve anymore.  I think it broke His heart, more than it did Eve. 

It's a great book, I highly recommend it for any woman.  If you don't have a date for Valentine's Day, go to a bookstore or alibris.com and get this book.  :o) 

It feels good to at least began to understand the love and desire God truly has for me.  Have a great Valentine's Day, with or without a date!