Worship

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  We love because he first loved us."  ~ 1 John 4:16-19 

This scripture is pressing hard on my heart lately.  I can't even read it without my emotions taking over.  For those that know my personal story, which I cannot share on here out of respect to others, I struggle a lot lately with being confident in God's love for me.  

I gave my heart to God when I was 14.  I have read, studied, doubted, ask millions of questions, prayed, been in discipleship programs, involved in church youth group, involved in worship and teaching, etc.  I know about the cross and Christ giving his life for me; I've heard this for years, felt like I understood it, and found myself loving Him more because of His love for me.... then my world gets flipped upside-down and I'm wrestling with this now more than ever.  

It may be wrong to make such a statement as a Christian, as a minister, but I'm being honest, and completely vulnerable... no one really reads this anyways.  :o)  I don't want my faith to waver, but it's hard to look to God like I once did.  I am grieving a great loss. Before the loss of someone I cared so much for, I felt more confident in God.  Now, my heart feels unsure. Someone I should have known much earlier in life, but because of other people's choices, I was kept from this person.

It's hard to worship now. I really try to worship and I hope God sees that and has compassion on me.  I used to be one of the people singing in worship with all of my heart; it came from the deepest part of me. I even used to help with praise and worship music.... but now it's hard to raise my hands.

I want that passion back, I want to feel differently and reach for God with all my heart! I wish I wasn't hesitant. I wish I felt more confident in God's love for me. All I know to do is to try and keep praying and seeking Him, maybe He is teaching me something through this.

I went to the sanctuary yesterday to play the piano.  I used to play a lot.  Always was a natural at it. As I sat down to play in this dark, completely empty sanctuary, I realized there aren't many songs I know by heart.... so I played from my heart as best I could.  Sometimes when I play, I get carried away in worship... as I did this time.  So I played...

This is the air I breathe

This is the air I breathe

Your holy presence

Living in me

This is my daily bread

This is my daily bread

Your very Word

Spoken to me

And I---- I'm desperate for You

And I---- I'm lost without You

It was definitely the deepest part of my heart crying out as I played. I know God sees that.  I pray it is pleasing and moves His heart.