giving up

I think there is the good kind of giving up and the bad kind of giving up. 

I am hopefully "giving up" in a good way.  I'm tired of hoping and praying for this idiot of a guy to pursue me.  If it's been this long {SO FREAKIN' LONG} and he hasn't stepped up.... then he's just out of luck... and a chicken might I add.  And I do mean HE is out of luck and it's his loss.  I deserve better. 

I want more... someone who knows what he's got, realizes that I am a woman of God - wonderful, beautiful and worth more than any other woman he's known. 

I pray for a man that pursues me and loves me, who has a heart that loves God and prays about who God wants him to be - a leader, a man of integrity and strength... and we can center our relationship around God. 

Someone I have fun with and laugh with... even if my loud laugh embarrasses him a little.  Someone who is silly and playful with me.... but in our moments of weakness and tears can be vulnerable and speak our minds, and we can be there for each other. 

Ohhhhh.... at times i feel like i'm in a dream world.  Maybe I should stick with kissing frogs instead?  :o) 

Showing grace can be SO hard sometimes....

The other week was so long and exhausting.  I worked longer hours than normal because of some new supplies to gather for curriculum, with so much typing I felt like my fingers would fall off and my brain was starting to hurt from so much thinking and analyzing all the details. 

I. was. exhausted. 

I later went out and as I'm on my way to this "event" I pull into the wrong parking lot.  I stumble, walking to the door only to find it locked and no one to let me in.  Then I have to walk back to my car, with my legs in pain to drive around to correct parking area.  While on my way, this car cuts me off in the parking lot. 

I honked to let them know that I almost hit them because they cut over with no notice, no blinker.  They didn't look where they were going, so I honked.  I promise, I did not lay on the horn and I really don't think I was rude, I was just telling them 'hey you need to watch out.'

So I go in to order pizza, because I've been up since 6:30 a.m. and all I had was coffee and a crossiant and at this time it is now about 6:00 p.m.  I was SO very hungry.  I found some change in my purse and went to order a slice only to have the SAME group of inconsiderate girls cut ahead of me in line and take the last of the pizza.

I wish I was kidding. 

Let's just say I was not very happy and not feeling like being very friendly and nice to anyone, particularly to them.  I was already exhausted and very hungry, which honestly makes me moody.  They weren't exactly helping.  Later on that evening, I sit down to read some scripture and make myself some nice little notes.... and find the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart "show the same grace that I have given you." 

Well.... Dangit.  That's not exactly what I wanted to hear.  It was much easier to just feel frustrated and to give some chics the evil eye.  So here I am, writing about this conviction in my heart.  It reminds me of the prayer Jesus teaches us to pray... the key verse that sticks out to me now is Matthew 6:12:

"Forgive us our debts as we have also forgiven our debtors." 

So, I suppose this is an answer to my prayer that I had actually prayed early that morning...

"God make me the woman You want me to be.... as I am so not, I'm so imperfect, evil and selfish, and I need You to help me.  Make me over." 

So this is Him at work.  I'm glad I can recognize it.  

Understanding the Gospel

In the middle of sitting down for a good read, I overhear conversations that can be quite interesting, sometimes funny, sometimes convicting, and sometimes heartbreaking.  A few months ago, I heard someone mention a Haiti mission trip to a friend and she brought it up because she thought the other lady was going on the trip.  This lady, very prim and proper, made-up in layers of make-up with a Scarlett O’Hara-attitude belted out in hilarious laughter at the fact that her friend thought she would EVER go out of the country to serve on a mission trip.  She was laughing and said that if she can’t fix her hair and make-up, then she won’t go.  She continued talking about putting her make-up on every day and how long it takes her to get ready, and that it if it wasn’t for a vacation where she was pampered in a nice hotel, she wasn’t going.

Honestly, overhearing this conversation made me upset… maybe that seems wrong and now someone reading this is judging me, but I just couldn’t help but look on in disappointment.  I know this person is  a Christ follower, doesn’t she know we are all called to serve?  Does she understand the gospel at all?

“For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve others and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

I might hit a nerve; maybe this is blunt, but if Christ, the HOLY Son of God Almighty, came to SERVE you and I, are we better than Him that we can not humble ourselves and sacrifice something within ourselves to serve others?  Jesus came to be the suffering servant of God to save those that the rich wouldn’t go near – to love those that were seen as outcast.  HE came to serve.  Why shouldn’t we?

I can’t help but wonder if these things in this particular lady’s life are more of a hindrance than anything else? If these things are her “treasures” – as Jesus tells us “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  What will it take to break her vanity and humble her to serve in the true meaning of the gospel? - which honestly has no concern for what people look like. 

Serving in America is one thing and it can humble you, and there is so much work that can be done in our own hometowns! However, when we step unto foreign soil and work with the people who appear to have so little, it will break your heart and change your life if you allow it to. Things like hair, make-up, brand-name clothes and warm showers - things you once thought important become the least of your concern. The people are so wonderfully joyful and giving, they're so loving!  The people i have met have been such a blessing in my life, truly a ray of sunshine in my life, and I admire them. So many times I felt like they were serving me more than I was serving them... it was humbling. 

Yes, I know, this lady may tell herself that she serves in other ways, but after listening to her, I have a hard time believing it is any sort of sacrifice. She spoke as if it were outrageous and horrible for her to not take a shower or do her hair.  Outrageous.... really? 

How about someone who has a parasite living inside them because they take baths in the river because they don't have a shower? I would consider that slightly more horrible, outrageous and life-threatening.

Going overseas outside of my comfort-zone was eye-opening. It stirred something up in me about servant others. {For even the Son of God came to serve...} We ran a small medical clinic for people to receive free medical care that they very much needed and the entire time we were there, there were volunteers from the community caring for our team. The volunteers cared and loved on us. They served us in so many ways.. but my mindset was to go to serve them. It was so sweet and they reflected the heart of Christ more than most. 

We are so spoiled in America.  Believe me when I say I understand suffering and hardship, but I also know that my life could be very different outside of this home. I am thankful.

It just frustrates me to hear spoiled, grown Christian women, talk about how they "simply can't live without a shower and hairdryer."  I don't mean to sound judgmental, so I apologize. And maybe there are things for me to learn about this and see it differently. It is simply hard for me to understand how someone who I know is a Christ follower has such a narrow understanding of the gospel and what it means to serve as Christ served.

reaching my goals

This past weekend I had a big accomplishment for myself.... I ran my first 1/2 marathon!  I will say that my training for it took a backseat a few weeks prior and I was worried I would not do as well as I hoped.  Two years ago I was running 7 miles twice a week, at a 10:30something mile pace.... while I like that, I have not be able to train as hard this time and wasn't sure what I was going to do. 

In my training lately, I haven't even had a watch to clock myself and the website runkeeper has been giving me a hard time so I haven't even kept up with the mileage each time.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  So I had no clue what I was doing in my training. 

I asked so many people for prayer and told them I literally could not do it without God helping me.... and I never wanted this to sound cliche' but I constantly said "the Lord is my Strength."  Literally I know that HE gives me every breath, He gives me strength, and He is glorified in what I do when I acknowledge Him.  I prayed almost the entire time I was running. 

I may have fallen behind in training but I had already paid a lot of money, I had never been to Savannah before, and I was just too excited about the race that I couldn't not do it.  So... I ran.  Hard.  And my time was 2:18:23.  I kept a 10:34 pace almost the entire time.  I honestly praise God for this.  It just makes me realize that He truly is wonderful, strong and faithful - even when we are not.  And if I can recognize Him in things I do, like running, He gets glory from that. 

Now... I only ask of those reading this to please pray that my recovery would be better.  Right now, asthma has been acting up a lot more and it hurts my chest.  Please pray for a smoother recovery.  Thank you friends!

I'm all His. 

heartbroken

Dear friends,
Please pray for me as my heart is completely shattered after losing someone so dear to me.  Thank you.

~Autumn

calling

I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I love my job.  It is ministry and it's wonderful, i work with amazing, talented people and i feel incredibly blessed to be there.  I literally got everything I prayed for.  


What most people don't know is a deeper longing that God has placed uniquely on my heart, and burdened me to the point of hurting.  My love is children and youth - to see them learning about God, to see families come together and watch them grow.  It makes me smile!  I love watching moms and dads teach the classes and to watch the children grasp the lessons.  I love the children and the youth that I work with - to see them becoming disciples and growing in their faith.  It's an extra bonus when I see the older children guiding the younger.  Eeeeeeeee!  :o)


In the middle of this love for them.... my heart breaks for orphans.  I have a burden for orphans that makes me weep.  I want to help, to provide for them, to take care of them somehow, and to help them know Christ and be disciples, for them to know they are loved!  I want them to know they are loved!  They are not abandoned, God cherishes them and loves them more than anything!  It breaks my heart to know they have no mom and dad because of war, disease, and starvation.  I hate it.... it is heartbreaking to hear their stories of watching their mom raped and killed by soldiers.  I just can't... it breaks my heart.


My heart is anxious to see what God has planned.  I don't know the "how"or the "where" and as I feel this constant need to be in control.... it bothers me immensely.  I don't feel called to be a full-time missionary, I love working here and I feel like the work I do here will be taken outside the church... hopefully across the world.  I just don't know where.  I already feel Uganda calling me and feel like I will be there within the next few years. Maybe Kenya too?  Dominican again?  Brazil?  Local children's homes in NC?


I'm trying to let go, to trust that God has a plan and he is at work even now.  At my job, I write/edit curriculum for Sunday school, plan VBS along-side some amazing volunteers, I act like a fool on stage during a family worship time for the kids to learn a Bible lesson, I organize presentations, meetings and newsletters and I am constantly editing!  And i love it all.  It will all be worth it when it's taken across the world one day.


I am anxious to see how all this will pan out.  I also worry about other random things.... these desires I have to get married and start my own family.  What happens to that?  Should I forget it?  How can I when it's so deep?  What happens to these desires?  Part of God's plan or only mine?  How does all that fit together?


I am human.  I am a woman.  I am 31 years old.  I am broken.  I am willing.


So... I just have to wait.  

feel like a kid again....

Lately, I find myself doing random things that make me feel like a kid again and i thought i would share....

• speaking whale
• speaking squirrel
• running through sprinkles {on morning runs}
• mooning my roommate
• blowing bubbles in drinks
• squirting water guns at random people
• happy dance
• coloring pictures
• talking in funny accents at random times (in drive-thrus it's awesome)
• helping friends make Pac-Man shaped waffles
• making a smiley with ketchup on my burger
• playing board games
• getting excited about G-rated movies
• fish face
• oinking in someone's ear
• making extra car sounds as i drive
• getting super excited over little things - like a coupon and finding my phone charger that was MIA for 4 months!
• watching cartoons
• my new love for whales!  they're so beautiful and amazing!

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda...

I truly enjoy reading other blogs and there are some marvelous ideas floating around out there that are just waiting to be copied onto my page. I copied this one from here and made it my own… of course her blog is always more entertaining…. but heck I try. Happy blogging!



I can’t…

Have lactose without getting a belly ache, stay up past midnight without getting cranky, see without contacts or glasses, play tennis or sand volleyball, say "oil, boil, monster, naked, or self-conscience" correctly, listen to Paula Dean talk,  flirt, sing about God and feel sad at the same time.


But I can…
hit a softball, run long distances, cook, drive anything, sing along to most Disney movies,  sound like a real monkey and a llama,  do the Roger Rabbit,  do great research,  let my facial expressions and body language speak for me (and get me in trouble),  speak whale,  learn squirrel,  walk out of the mall without buying anything! It’s like my superpower!!!

I won’t…
talk to your pet bird, eat at Taco Bell, tell you I like your new haircut or outfit if I don’t {it's for your own good}, pay more than $25 for a shirt, eat lima beans,  do the electric slide, waste money on magazines, drink anything with Splenda,  strongly pursue a man - i cherish chivalry and pray for it in my husband.

But I will…
love you, support you, encourage you and never belittle you, clap my hands and jump up and down when I get excited, always love hugs and kisses {for the most part},  laugh at myself, make silly faces when taking pictures just because I think it’s more interesting, laugh loudly and snort at the most inappropriate times, do the cabbage patch just to embarrass you,  try my best to act like a lady, make fun of Shakira, always sing in the car {especially when no one is around}, love and pray for each of the children and families I meet. 

I shouldn’t….
consume enough white chocolate that would feed a small village,  give my opinion as often as I do {at least I have one}, stay up late, hold grudges, get frustrated with things that I can’t control,  get upset when I get lost… it’s not like it helps me find my way,  let negative people influence me,  dwell on the past,  be so stubborn.


I should…
make a video of me dancing to find out if they’re laughing with me or at me, save up money for New Zealand,  tell my mom how I really feel, be on time for everything… I’ve gotten much better but still I should be on time no matter what, learn to dance in the rain,  travel more,  hold fast to the calling God has on me to work with orphans somehow,  and of course.... I should learn to smile more,  laugh more and love more.

Mamaw's Flirting 101

This is a post from my old blog which is giving me a hard time recently so I'm just transferring the little things I like over to this one!  Hope you enjoy! This one cracks me up....

I was on the phone yesterday with my Mamaw and she decided to give me flirting tips so i can get married and pop out some grandbabies for her. I couldn’t help but laugh as she proceeded to tell me "how to get a man."  I'm thinkin' she should write a book!  She even demonstrated how the conversation should go! I made sure to take mental notes of the convo through my laughter. I couldn't really write much at the time as I was having trouble breathing.  :o)


1. “You have to get out there and sell yourself. Have you ever heard of that honey?”  No, she wasn’t recommending prostitution. She was basically saying that I should not go out without my makeup on and that I need to always look presentable in order “to get a guy.” She told me that I need to always look nice to get the right attention. Dude! That means no more Aeropostale sweat pants!?  What the french toast?!

2. “You can ask him what he’s been up to and when he says… blah blah…. then you say well, I do that too… why don’t we do that together?”  lol!  My Mamaw was actually giving me vocabulary to use for the conversation that I should be having with my future husband.

3. “You can’t be shy honey, just go talk to the guys, get out there and mingle. I know you’re shy when it comes to boys, you always have been.” Ok... so apparently she knows me better than I thought. Great. I am shy when it comes to guys, especially if I really like them, then it’s worse. I usually clam up and say the wrong thing. Ok… so she has a point.

4. “Are you getting out more and being sociable and getting to know new people?” To this, I honestly answered yes! I am sociable. I get out a lot and do things with friends and meet new people. I still struggle with being a little shy. Oh well.

5. “Do you talk to any of the guys you know? How often are you around them?”  Nope don't talk to them at all, Mamaw.  I just stalk them like prey!  {kidding}  I’m around them enough. I truly believe in chivalry and that a man should do the pursuing. If a guy is interested, he just needs to say something.  My Mamaw apparently thinks this slows down the process.

6. “I know you’re not in a hurry, you don’t want just anybody and that’s good. You’ll pick a good one and he’ll be lucky to have you.”

“Thanks Mamaw.”

the world can't satisfy

Maybe my expectations are far too high for people?  I just have a hard time believing that it's ok for people to say they will do something and not show up... without a call or an email.  I have a hard time understanding why it takes someone three months to respond to an email.  Or for some lately, they didn't respond at all and it was over something very important.  {yes, I'm being vague for a reason}. 
It's hard for me to be ok with this inconsiderate attitude... not like i've never been rude or inconsiderate, I mean, I know that I'm learning too and need to be held accountable.  I try to be considerate and I would hate it if I offended someone.  I'm just venting because of recent situations.  


I feel disappointed and this has been repetitive with different people, different groups of people and situations.  And I hate that feeling.  I don't want to feel this way.  I want to be more understanding, but I'm struggling because I don't know what there is to understand.  

Was there a reason for their absence?  If so, please tell me.  It's probably perfectly logical and everything is fine, but when there's no reason given, no response, no call, nada, and i got nothin'.... it's frustrating.  Was everything just talk and people don't mean what they say?!  So I can't take them at their word anymore?  {then what's the point in having a conversation with them at all}  Sorry, is that too blunt?  

There's a new song out called Blessings, by Laura Story and when I first heard it, I must say it was only for a second and I flipped the station to something else... which also had nothing I wanted to hear, so I came back to this song playing.  I was in the mood for something with more kick to it and this song playing on the radio was so "dainty" I wasn't wanting to listen.  I finally left the station alone and let the song play, I'm glad I did because the words are really powerful and it made me think.  The last line of the song struck a chord with me. {pun intended}


"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?  What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are your mercies in disguise?"  


I may not agree with what people have been doing lately, but deep down I know there's not a person on this earth who will ever meet all my expectations and never fail me.  Only One can truly satisfy.  He is the One who always comes when I call, He always answers, He's always there, always listens, always meets my needs.  

For those that didn't follow through... for those that didn't show up.... those that were supposed to email about important things and never did... and for those whom I had hoped to become closer friends with just didn't happen... what if they are not meant to be what I had hoped?  What if this is God's mercies over me?  This is His simple way of protecting me.... thank you Lord for your mercies in disguise.

{trying to be thankful}

challenging quotes

“God beckons storm clouds, and they come. He tells the wind to blow and the rain to fall, and they obey immediately. He speaks to the mountains, ‘You go there,’ and he says to the seas, ‘You stop here,’ and they do it. Everything in all creation responds in obedience to the Creator…until we get to you and me. We have the audacity to look God in the face and say, ‘No.’ ” –Radical

 

“For the next few minutes, he described how he was selling his large house and had decided to give away many of his other possessions. He talked about the needs he wanted to invest his resources in for the glory of Christ. Then he looked at me through tears in his eyes and said, ‘I wonder at some points if I’m being irresponsible or unwise. But then I realize there is never going to come a day when I stand before God and he looks at me and says, ‘I wish you would have kept more for yourself.’ “ –Radical

Any thoughts? 

morning thoughts... my hope in him

Remember my afflictions and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall! 

My soul contunally remembers it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning,
great is your faithfulness! 

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.  It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.  Lamentations 3: 19 - 26

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That is why we have a great High Priest who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of God. Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all the same temptations we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it.  Hebrews 4:14 - 16

I hate it that i mess up so many times, but it calms my heart to know i have a God who is gracious and full of compassion.  He doesn't forget me, always forgives me, never ignores me, always loves me. 

offering my "help"

So I put these little reminders on my phone that continuously go off at random.  I was using the calendar one day and thought "why do I only enter important dates in here? why not other stuff?"  And that's where this all began.  I began plugging in little reminders such as....

Stop trying to do it yourself.

Trust God is working.

Seek first the kingdom of God and He will give you the desires of your heart. 

I need these little reminders to keep me sane... for your sake and mine.  :o)  My worries get the best of me.  I struggle so much with trying to make things happen as I think they should.  {yes, yes... I can be a control freak at times}.  It's hard to just let go.  I want to feel at peace and just know God is working, but my mind gets so wrapped up in what I can do to help or how I can fix things.  I need to remember that God does not need my help.  Sometimes... it's not about us... ok, so it's never about us.  It's all about Him. 

One of my biggest struggles is trusting that God cares about my future... my future spouse, children, having a family, work, etc.  So many times, I feel that these things are forgotten by God.  {wow... vulnerability just kicked into high gear}  He cares about us... even the little things we think He doesn't notice, all those things in our lives that we feel may be insignificant or forgotten by God, He remembers.  The truth is, we are never looked over, we are never forgotten, never put on the back burner. 

Sometimes all we need to do is stand.  To simply stand, be at rest, and let God work.  God is faithful,  He is good, and our mistakes or short-falls take nothing away from His sovereignty.  He does know what He's doing and doesn't need our "help."  My way of helping makes things far more complicated than they need to be and I get in my own way.  You know what God wants me to do?  To worship Him and wait.  Nothing else is needed. 

But my imperfect self constantly feels this urge to "make things happen," "to be busy" and "try harder."  The other day I was praying and just felt this prompting in my heart from the Lord, saying, "why do you doubt who I am?"  Why do I treat God like He can't handle these things that burden me?  Why do I act like I have to do something because He's not!? 

I just have failed to remember who He is.  I have failed to realize that He is working, even when it seems He's not.  He is doing something, He never rests, never grows weary and His will is perfect.  I don't know what else to do now, but to wait and ask for peace {I can't even do that without His help}.  When my heart feels anxious and scared... and all I can do is stand.  I have been told to stand.  To stand and watch Him work in ways I do not yet understand, but will soon see it all come together.

"The Lord will fight for you, you shall hold your peace and remain at rest."  Exodus 14:14

"Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out one after another, calling each by its name. And he counts them to see that none are lost or have strayed away.
O Israel, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case?  Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak.  Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up.  But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:26-31 

i choose... {what do you choose?}

faith over despair
basketball over Nascar
baseball over Nascar {so many things are better than Nascar}
lipgloss over lipstick
too little over too much {yes, i know this doesn't always make sense}
books over TV
CNN over Fox
string instruments over wind instruments
Van Gogh over Monet (most of the time)
desktop over laptop
Michael Vartan (nerdy hotness) over Matthew McConaughey (arrogant hotness)
swimming over white water rafting {depending on who I'm with}
laying out at the pool over laying out at the beach {although i do love the beach}
running over walking
Christmas over Thanksgiving
acts of service over receiving gifts
sense of humor over sense of style
sweet potato fries over regular fries
honey mustard over ranch
dogs over cats
sweats over jeans {depending on if i leave the house}
lattes over coffee
Elf over The Grinch
comedy over drama
bookstores over the mall
Suduko over Crosswords
getting up early over sleeping late
autumn over winter {surprise!} :o)
Rice Dream over milk
alibris over amazon
education over ignorance
Water over soda
flip flops over stilettos
knee-high boots over stilettos
Japanese food over Chinese food
The Cosby Show over Full House {of that's tough one}
Fresh Prince over Saved by the Bell
cookies over cake
anyone that CAN sing over Shakira who can't
Pro-life over Pro-choice
star gazing over Star! reading
pedicures over maincures
too cold over too hot
essay writing over test taking
new Covenant over old law
love over riches

Mamaw Bea

Let each generation tell its children of Your mighty acts. ~ Psalm 145:4 


Thank you Mamaw Bea.  She is a woman of God, full of beauty and strength.  Where would we be if it weren't for her prayers? She just celebrated her 81st birthday!  Booyah!  Go Mamaw! 

grace upon grace...

I did not understand the emphasis of grace that had been on my heart until recently. 

I was recently faced with a very hard situation.  Someone had brought something to my attention, months had passed and it was becoming harder for me to let it go.  Scripture tells us that sin destroys lives and it's true.  The thing is.... sin disguises itself, it's deceiving and it starts off small and builds until it traps you in and you don't know how you got to that place in your life.  Sin hurts us, but most importantly it hurts the heart of God.  I hate dealing with confrontation, but what would have happened had it never been brought up again?  Things would continue... continue to damage lives, to hurt people, and to affect their relationship with God.  Of course, I am hated by some.  To some... I am the one who is "pointing fingers and not admiting my own sin."  Truth is...

I know whose I am.  For the first time in my life, I know this and I'm walking in that truth.     

I am a warrior.  I will stand for the truth and fight for souls in the kingdom of God. 

I am a sinner... I am the definition of imperfect.  I am made from dirt... and without the very breathe of the living God that is in me, I am nothing. 

I am not faithful... but God is.  He is faithful when we're not.  His strength is perfect in my weakness.

I am a daughter.  I am, amazingly enough, a child of God.  Why He hasn't kicked me out of his family is beyond me.

I am loved.  He loves us when we are unloveable.  He sees every flaw, every mistake, every epic fail in our lives, yet still loves us.  That is grace, upon grace, upon grace....

I am in need of grace... and should show grace to others just as Christ has shown grace to me.

"Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple.  A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them.  As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. 

The law of Moses says to stone her.  What do you say?" 

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger.  They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, "All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone."  Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust. 

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.  Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, "where are your accusers?  Didn't even one of them condemn you?" 

"No, Lord," she said. 

And Jesus said, "Neither do I.  Go and sin no more." 

John 8: 1-11

This is Our God {Chris Tomlin}

A refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears
and return your wasted years
This is our God
So call upon His Name
He is mighty to save
This is our God


A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken
This is our God
And he brings peace to our madness
and comfort in our sadness
This is our God
So call upon His Name
He is mighty to save
This is our God

This is the one we have waited for
Jesus Lord and Savior
This is our God
A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God
He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful
This is our God

This song has continuously been on my mind.  I love little reminders that surprise me, reminding me of God's character.  This year has started off a little rough, but it is now April and I'm watching him put all the pieces together with grace and compassion.  One of my favorite lines in this song is "he will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years."  I feel as if my years of "living a Christian life" have not been lived to the fullest, but in fact, sometimes I feel they are wasted years.  I feel like a hypocrite, someone who has been teaching and talking about God, but in my own life, my walk has been inconsistent.  Despite my faithlessness, God is faithful.   This is our God. 

God is teaching me what it means to depend on him and walk with him, for apart from him.... I am nothing.  I may feel as if the years are wasted, but God was preparing me the whole time.  I wasn't always listening... so it's just taken me a little longer.  I have believed the insults, the presumptions about me... if I felt a certain way, then I believed that was who I was.  I believed that I would always be the fearful little girl from my childhood, walking in intimidation, afraid to say how I felt because of constant feeling that my opinion wasn't valid.  God is my healer and restorer of all things, I have literally watched him turn my life {and others} upside down all for his glory and our good.  This is our God. 

God is teaching me about all that He is, that HE lives within me and makes me who I am.  I may be full of flaws but I know the God who lives within me and uses me still.  There is a quiet strength that I can rest in when I believe and trust that God is who He says He is.  He is my comfort in this sadness and peace in this madness.  This is our God. 

He is all I need and I am learning to recognize that in my life.  Every breath, every step, every word spoken from my mouth.... I desperately need to come from him. 

Notes from the Dominican....

Hello all.  I couldn't figure out what to write, so as you can see I have neglected my blog for a while now.  I came back from the Dominican Republic on February 20.  This was my second medical missions trip and I {loved} it!

I am extremely torn with emotion right now.  My heart breaks for the people, yet I admire them.  They are the most joyful people!  I admire their faith and their love for each other and for God.  They are happy with the simple things, because unlike us {in America}, they haven't been spoiled with the abundant life.  You may say "I don't have an abundant, glamorous lifesteyle."  Do you have running water for a hot shower every day?  Can you drink that water without getting sick from parasites?  Do you have air conditioning and heat when you need it?  Do you have food on your table daily?  If you're ever out of sugar cane or plantains, just take a trip to the DR... they have plenty.

One incident in particular that sticks out to me was with a lady I met doing blood pressure.  She was so joyful and spunky!  She had extremely high blood pressure and had to be walked over to the doctors to make sure she was ok.  Do you know she had been waiting for hours to be seen at the clinic?  Hours.  Not 15 -20 minutes.  Hours.  In America, we get upset when they don't have our order out immediately at the drive-thru.  I know when my doctor had me waiting for an hour, I was pretty peeved about it.   This did not faze her.  She was just the sweetest old lady ever!

I had another lady ask me for diapers.  That was all she wanted.  She wanted diapers for her little boy who was walking around with none {i don't think there was anything under there} but his little jersey was so big on on him, I couldn't tell.  He had a gash on his eye that looked like it was getting infected and he was carrying around medicine, so I knew they had already been seen.  I went in to give her diapers and when I handed them to her, she was smiling so big!  I hugged her and said Jesus te amo.  {Jesus love you}. They were precious {even if he wouldn't let me take a picture of him}.

I worked in the dental clinic some too.  The crowds swarmed at the gate!  It was a mad-house for a couple days.  They got as much toothpaste and toothbrushes as we could give.  {thank you to all who donated}  I tried to walk around the waiting area outside and talk with the little ones, I checked to see who I could send in to get their teeth cleaned.  Of course they were scared but I think I got a few of them.  My friend JP talked to a couple of them for me. {the man is awesome - he speaks 8 languages}  Seriously!

How has this experience impacted me?  {that is a loaded question}  I feel I'm still processing everything.  I will say that my heart is burdened more and more for that country.  I love the people very much and cherish those friendships {I do mean friendships - not just meet them and never see them again}.  I know the whole time I was there, I literally felt like I had to walk with God with every step.  I would become tired and worn out, plus my heart had it's own struggles... I had to continually pray for peace and that God would be with me.  This is not easy for someone as stubborn as I am.  My flesh gets the best of me many times.   This is a season of learning who God is and how he desires to have a relationship with me, to listen to him closer than ever before.  I have been disobedient SO much these past couple of years, I can see that now, but there's nothing I can do to change it.  I live with that regret.  In the Dominican, I was able to see God daily guide my heart and give me peace, as I continually listen for Him... learning what it means to be completely dependent on him.  There are things I cannot control, things will happen that I cannot make work or make it better.... but my hope is in the One who can, the One that I rely on for my every need.  

just a little light reading...

"My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such a violent reaction against it?... Of course I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if i did that, then my argument against God collapsed too--for the argument depended on saying the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my fancies. Thus, in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist - in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless - I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality - namely my idea of justice - was full of sense. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never have known it was dark. Dark would be without meaning."  - C.S. Lewis

one day...

Wait for the man who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical.  
Wait for the man who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you.  
Wait for the man who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile.  
Wait for the man who praises God for you, and encourages you daily in your walk, and most importantly, 
wait for the man who is more in love with God than you.

{i'm a little iffy on the whole "drop everything to be with me part but the rest is true}

Psalm 146: 5 -6 

but happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, 
whose hope is in the LORD their God.  

He is the one who made heaven and earth, 

the sea and everything in them.  

He is the one who keeps every promise forever.  

having excess

“For the next few minutes, he described how he was selling his large house and had decided to give away many of his other possessions. He talked about the needs he wanted to invest his resources in for the glory of Christ. Then he looked at me through tears in his eyes and said, ‘I wonder at some points if I’m being irresponsible or unwise. But then I realize there is never going to come a day when I stand before God and he looks at me and says, ‘I wish you would have kept more for yourself.’ “ –Radical

I am planning to go to the Dominican Republic in February and I feel this tugging on my heart to give more and love more, to let go of my selfishness and greed {which can be so hard to recognize sometimes}.  Maybe this is God preparing me for what's ahead?  I feel like my love for others has not been actively shown as it should.  God is making me question the motivations of my heart and challenging me to love more.  

I am in the process of moving and looking at all that I have.  I kept saying "I just don't have that much stuff" but it didn't take long to realize I have excess!  I feel that there are others that would count these things as blessings, when I hold on to them as extra for me in case I need it.  Selfish, huh?  I have so much stuff, it's ridiculous!  I feel this tugging on my heart to let go and give these things away that clutter my life.  I don't need three bottles of lotion or two extra toothbrushes {that were freely given to me}.   I don't need the extra blue blanket in the closet!  

I was just talking with some friends about the DR trip last year and how I got to work in the dental clinic.  I will never forget the look on the kids faces as we gave them toothbrushes.  They were so excited!  It amazes me how much we take things for granted.   I tear up thinking of their little faces and the excitement in their eyes.  They were so thankful and I believe they felt loved {maybe in a small way} to know that someone cares and wants to provide for them.  I just hope they see that we do those things because Christ calls us to love and serve them.  

In the meantime, I hope I can give more here.  I don't want to hold on to things that only clutter my life, I don't want to have excess when the homeless guy down the street doesn't even have a bed to sleep on.  I don't need six scarfs when the lady I met at a homeless ministry was freezing and I knew she would be sleeping in a shelter that night.  I feel God tugging at my heart to let go of these things to bless others... now just have to step out and act on it.