My Healing

“Perfect love casts our all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” 1 John 4:18

 “Put away all harsh words, all evil thinking… and forgive as Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:31 – 32

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16 – 21

So many scriptures on my mind lately. This week, I’ve been digging through Ephesians 2 – 4 and some of Genesis 22 to read about Abraham and his complete trust and surrender to God. It’s encouraging to read about this great man of faith; he KNEW God would do all that He promised. He always fulfills His promises.

This has been a hard year… it’s honestly been a hard for a while. A lot of heartbreak in relationships, friendships, and family.

Over the past few years, I have changed quite a bit, in some good ways, and not so good ways. {But better days ahead}. To briefly share and yet not dwell on things - I’ve had more bullies in my life more as an adult than as a child. Abusive home as a kid. I worked in a verbally abusive environment a few years ago, and before that I was constantly in interaction with this girl who was a bully within my close group of friends. I’ve been in relationship after relationship with men/men-who-aren’t-really-men-and-act-like-boys. Men who are careless with my heart. Constantly getting my heart broken and feeling I’m just not quite good enough. Almost… but not quite. Led on in relationships where they really wanted someone else.

My family life is not healthy. I struggle with a desire to spend more time with those I love so very much, yet we constantly butt heads. And I still feel like I should try because they’re family and I love them. It’s just hard to have a conversation with someone whose normal speaking volume is so loud I need earplugs. I disagree with lifestyles and decisions and it makes no difference. Marriages within my family are struggling, people are hurting, and all I can do is pray. I don’t have the answers. It’s heartbreaking.

Wow. Being very vulnerable on here. Bet you didn’t know all this, huh? 

And over time…. Oh time. Dear time, you pass by so quickly and as life gets busy, my wounds are left unattended. Anger builds up. I run when I’m hurt. I don’t know what to say, so I run. Yes, I think I’m good. No worries here. I think I’m healthy and all is well. And I truly have been "ok."

But why can’t I be more than just ok? Why can’t I be really good? And healthy and at peace? 

In reality, I’m wounded. I’m bleeding.

But at this very moment now, I’m completely surrendered.

See, even after all these years, I still hadn’t allowed God to heal me.  have held onto anger. Ephesians 4 teaches us to put away all anger and not give Satan a foothold, yet that's exactly what I've done. 

I love God. I’ve been a Christian for years. I thought things were good! I’m good! I’ve talked about my past. I’ve prayed. I’ve talked about my present… I’m healed, right?! No. Everything has affected me more deeply than I let on. And all the arrows of my past were never pulled out. The wounds were never tended to... at least not by the ONE who I needed to call upon. 

I was praying last night and God showed me something. I was physically sitting up in my bed, but what I was seeing was a picture of myself bowed over in pain. I saw arrows all over me. Some in my heart, some in my back, my chest, my side. Some were rusted and flaking off onto the ground. Some were red and covered in blood. Some were white and pierced cleanly into me, very sharp.

And there was Jesus pulling each one out and speaking to me – “I see you. I know you. These are deep, but My love is deeper. My love is greater. I love you. Let me heal you. You block your own blessing. Trust Me. Trust Me.”

I have constantly held things back from God. I won’t just release things to Him because in reality I don’t trust Him. Does anyone else feel this way? Do you wrestle with truly trusting God? Do you believe He knows best? Or are you like me, trying to make things happen the way you think they should? And in your stupidity, you even justify your actions? 

For me, I think when you experience so much heartbreak, when you live with people you think would protect you, but actually abuse you…. your view of God is distorted. There are things I’ve believed for you, but not for myself. These wounds can be healed and restored, but for years this perception has caused more pain than anything else.

I haven’t fully trusted Him. Until Now. 

I was reading a lot about Abraham this week. Not a coincidence as I am praying through this surrender. So, I’ll end on this note….

Let it go. Let go of anger. Let go of hurt. Be free. Surrender. Surrender to Him and rest.

Let it go and trust that God is perfect, Sovereign and good… so very, very good. Better than you think He is.

Trust Him. He didn’t orchestrate all that pain. He didn’t. He’s good. He just wants you to Trust Him.

I've truly never loved Him like this before. It's beautiful and new. #freedom

He wants me to trust Him. He wants you to trust Him. Remember He is for you. Not against you. He is good and He loves you. I'm having to remind myself of this... and that He is completely the opposite of all the hate i have seen. That isn't Him. He is good. 

Like Abraham walking up the mountain, my heart completely trust in knowing God will provide and He will take care of me. He just asks me to surrender... to trust. And in that, I can rest. I am healed. I am blessed. I am enough. He is all i need. 

Satan, you can bow out now. Actually, i command it. Thanks. 

It's not about me

You can be sure that I have heard the groans of the people of Israel, who are now slaves to the Egyptians. And I am well aware of my covenant with them.

“Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the Lord!’”

So Moses told the people of Israel what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery. Exodus 6:5 – 9

I have had my heart set on this scripture for a while, pondering it, and wrestling with why it seems significant to me. Why is God showing me this? There's so much depth to this scripture and i can only go into a portion of it now. One thing I see, one thing i finally get is...  I am an Israelite. 

The things of this world can enslave us and hold us down. I can be the negative, non-believing Israelite. I am His child. My Father God tells me His promises, He reassures me of His love, He tenderly speaks to my heart confirming His promises again and again, yet I walk in disbelief.

As it happened with the Israelites, sometimes the brutality of life can wear us down so much that we can’t see the next step. And we choose to become so distraught, we lose our hope.  

I have often thought that HOPE was about holding on tightly. Holding on with everything in me! Holding on with all my strength! It’s not. Hope is about letting go and letting the ONE who is perfect work it out and I just get to be me.

So, what is it that I’ve been missing? How does that scripture relate?  

Well, to put it quite frankly – it’s not about me.

Maybe you are like me in some ways. I’ve focused hard on ministry, work, my needs, my desires, my dreams, my feelings… And I forget who it is that is behind it all and what really matters. It’s not about me. It’s about HIM.

Those dreams, those desires, those passions are gifts from Him. I just need to trust.

In this scripture, God is telling Moses {Paraphrased}, ‘I’ve heard the cries of My people. They belong to Me. I see their struggle. I see their tears. I hear their prayers. They are not forgotten. They are not ignored. It’s just been a matter of time and the time has come. I will do a mighty work and they will know I am the Lord their God.’

More times than I’d like to admit, I’ve felt completely ignored by God. I have felt forgotten. I’ve wondered if He sees me at all. In the scriptures above, God reminds Moses of who He is. He repeatedly says,

‘I am the Lord.

I will free you…

I will redeem you…

I will rescue you…

I will claim you as My own…

I will.

Did you see that? I will… I will… It’s not about you. It’s not about me.

It’s about HIM.

So maybe we stop holding on to what we think our life is supposed to look like and let go. Have hope in the ONE who knows us inside-out, every detail of our being, every hair on our head, every wrinkle on our skin. Trust in the ONE whose ways are perfect.

He wants to do something so great and so wonderful that we can’t mistake that it is only by HIS hand.

Dwell on His truth. Take Him at His word. Read His truth continually so that His words become so engrained in your mind that you don’t give the enemy a foothold. 

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

The oppression of the enemy fights us, wearing us down. I have to remind myself of God's promises and rest in Him. I choose to focus on His truth and speak boldly against the fear of the enemy. I choose LOVE. I choose to let go and HOPE. I have a perfect, holy Creator God who loves me beyond my comprehension. And He works things out for the good of those that truly love Him. {Romans 8} I believe He will do things in such a way that there is no other explanation for His work, so that HE alone gets the glory.

He only asks me to seek Him first. Seek the kingdom of God first. And so, I let go.

It’s not about me.

Some things in life may seem impossible. Things may seem to never end. Maybe you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

There is. It is Him.

There’s so much more depth to this scripture and that will come later. I will let this soak in for now.  

one day...

Wait for the man who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical.  
Wait for the man who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you.  
Wait for the man who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile.  
Wait for the man who praises God for you, and encourages you daily in your walk, and most importantly, 
wait for the man who is more in love with God than you.

{i'm a little iffy on the whole "drop everything to be with me part but the rest is true}

Psalm 146: 5 -6 

but happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, 
whose hope is in the LORD their God.  

He is the one who made heaven and earth, 

the sea and everything in them.  

He is the one who keeps every promise forever.