It's not about me

You can be sure that I have heard the groans of the people of Israel, who are now slaves to the Egyptians. And I am well aware of my covenant with them.

“Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the Lord!’”

So Moses told the people of Israel what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery. Exodus 6:5 – 9

I have had my heart set on this scripture for a while, pondering it, and wrestling with why it seems significant to me. Why is God showing me this? There's so much depth to this scripture and i can only go into a portion of it now. One thing I see, one thing i finally get is...  I am an Israelite. 

The things of this world can enslave us and hold us down. I can be the negative, non-believing Israelite. I am His child. My Father God tells me His promises, He reassures me of His love, He tenderly speaks to my heart confirming His promises again and again, yet I walk in disbelief.

As it happened with the Israelites, sometimes the brutality of life can wear us down so much that we can’t see the next step. And we choose to become so distraught, we lose our hope.  

I have often thought that HOPE was about holding on tightly. Holding on with everything in me! Holding on with all my strength! It’s not. Hope is about letting go and letting the ONE who is perfect work it out and I just get to be me.

So, what is it that I’ve been missing? How does that scripture relate?  

Well, to put it quite frankly – it’s not about me.

Maybe you are like me in some ways. I’ve focused hard on ministry, work, my needs, my desires, my dreams, my feelings… And I forget who it is that is behind it all and what really matters. It’s not about me. It’s about HIM.

Those dreams, those desires, those passions are gifts from Him. I just need to trust.

In this scripture, God is telling Moses {Paraphrased}, ‘I’ve heard the cries of My people. They belong to Me. I see their struggle. I see their tears. I hear their prayers. They are not forgotten. They are not ignored. It’s just been a matter of time and the time has come. I will do a mighty work and they will know I am the Lord their God.’

More times than I’d like to admit, I’ve felt completely ignored by God. I have felt forgotten. I’ve wondered if He sees me at all. In the scriptures above, God reminds Moses of who He is. He repeatedly says,

‘I am the Lord.

I will free you…

I will redeem you…

I will rescue you…

I will claim you as My own…

I will.

Did you see that? I will… I will… It’s not about you. It’s not about me.

It’s about HIM.

So maybe we stop holding on to what we think our life is supposed to look like and let go. Have hope in the ONE who knows us inside-out, every detail of our being, every hair on our head, every wrinkle on our skin. Trust in the ONE whose ways are perfect.

He wants to do something so great and so wonderful that we can’t mistake that it is only by HIS hand.

Dwell on His truth. Take Him at His word. Read His truth continually so that His words become so engrained in your mind that you don’t give the enemy a foothold. 

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

The oppression of the enemy fights us, wearing us down. I have to remind myself of God's promises and rest in Him. I choose to focus on His truth and speak boldly against the fear of the enemy. I choose LOVE. I choose to let go and HOPE. I have a perfect, holy Creator God who loves me beyond my comprehension. And He works things out for the good of those that truly love Him. {Romans 8} I believe He will do things in such a way that there is no other explanation for His work, so that HE alone gets the glory.

He only asks me to seek Him first. Seek the kingdom of God first. And so, I let go.

It’s not about me.

Some things in life may seem impossible. Things may seem to never end. Maybe you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

There is. It is Him.

There’s so much more depth to this scripture and that will come later. I will let this soak in for now.  

Perfect love casts out fear

I have been spending a lot more time at the piano lately. I used to play a lot when I was a kid, for hours actually. I loved the sound that each note made and I was fascinated that the sounds could blend so beautifully with just a touch. And I would sing and sing and sing!

My life right now has been flipped around. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s hard. It’s very hard. For a while, I was failing to realize how much I allow fear to affect me. It’s a paralyzing fear aiming for perfection, being what people expect instead of, well… instead of me.

I go through phases where I’ll feel confident and secure and I’m truly being myself. It’s a wonderful feeling to be free and not care! I love it! I feel free, and wonderfully weird and loved! It’s beautiful! I laugh loud and I speak my mind. I fully love those around me and embrace them. I feel genuine and free! 

Then fear creeps in. Ugly, disruptive FEAR. It puts me at a stand-still. I want to leap and I can’t. I’m hindered and holding back. There are many things God has been showing me lately and one is this:

Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. Ephesians 6:12

Fear can control a lot when we let it. It hinders us, it hinders relationships... with people and with God Himself. It keeps us from taking that step toward what we truly want, it keeps us from fully loving others, it keeps us from embracing who we really are and who we’re created to be. This fear is not from God. I hate fear. I hate how the enemy works. I’m beginning to see his sneaky tactics. I hate how Satan creeps in slowly with fear without us even realizing what he’s doing… and before you know it, it’s too late! The fear is overwhelming. He infuriates me.

Today I was playing piano and I’ve been asked to play many times for people and I turn them down. I’ve been asked to sing and I turn them down. I just recently started playing for the children’s choir at church and it’s nerve-wracking for me. God has to truly cover me before I go up there! I worry about missing a note. I freak if I get off beat! It takes me forever to learn music. I feel like this horrible amateur who is trying to be better than what I really am. I’m trying so hard to not mess up!!

I like to go alone to play piano and sing. No one can hear (I don’t think). It’s my worship time. Sometimes I end up in tears, sometimes I end up swaying and singing, sometimes I don’t feel like playing worship and I play Broadway songs.

Today I tried again to learn more of the song I Am Not Alone, sung by Kari Jobe. I played it a few times with some struggle... ok, a lot of struggle. Then I heard this sweet whisper and God spoke to me,

Sing for Me. Just sing.

As Moses told God at the burning bush, I told God – I can’t do that. It’s hard to sing and play at the same time. I mess up a lot. I really mess up, like my hands can’t do it. My fingers get tangled and my voice shakes.

Then He said it again…

Just sing. I love for you to sing to Me. I never asked you to be perfect. I don’t care if you mess up.

You don’t need to be perfect. Just be you. I love your heart. Be you My daughter… just sing and play.

And so I played and sang. And there was peace and beauty in it. There was no fear. 

So, here I am learning to overcome fear. Learning that I have power to overcome this enemy of my soul. All this talk about fear reminds of one very powerful thing. Satan can do nothing without God’s permission. This fear will not overcome me. I know the God who wins every battle and that same God is fighting for me.

And it’s not the end.

Love, Valentines Day, and a Book

I have a favorite book that isn't talked about very much, at least not amongst people I know.  The book that I'm loving right now is When God Pursues A Woman's Heart.  I'm re-reading it, and only in the beginning of it but already being reminded why I loved it so much the first time I read it. 

This time of year we have a made-up holiday called Valentine's Day.  It's where you take your significant other to some fancy restaurant and buy them a fancy dinner and an over-priced bouquet of roses to impress them.

The truth is a wonderful man of God should come along and take me to a nice restaurant and then to Coldstone Creamery {don't forget the Lactaid}.  Or to Ritas for ice-Italian icecream!  YUM!  :o)  Or something even more wonderfully unique like a random road trip somewhere beautiful, maybe have some crazy fun with a zip-line, or maybe ski together {I need practice first}!  There's lots of unique fun things to do on Valentines Day... maybe someone will read this and take me?  Oh I do love to dream!  I don't have a date and I'm totally making this stuff up just being funny... but it does seem like a great plan, doesn't it?!  :o)  It would be lovely to have the companionship of someone, to spend time just enjoying one another over a nice dinner.

So, the book I'm reading talks about LOVE and being loved by our Creator.  This book makes me think about how God delights so much in His creation - His children and how He loves us more than we can comprehend.... and how He delights so much in us - beautiful women.  There's so much joy He gets knowing us, seeing our hearts, our sensitivity, our laughter, and all the characteristics that make us women.  As I read, I think about how the relationship between man and woman is truly beautiful and unique, and God takes great joy in that too!  But I also think about the relationship between woman and her Creator.  I think about how God sees me as a woman, how different His delight is for me, than for anyone else.  He uniquely created me and you, and we bring Him joy. 

I think about the many times when I don't seek Him, when I forget to pray, when I'm lazy and don't feel like talking with Him, when I am tempted to walk away from my faith in Him {yes this happens} and I realize how heartbroken He is for me in those moments and how His compassion reaches out.  God understands the tears, He sees my pain and weeps with me.  I realize how this relationship I have with God is not something to take lightly, but He is a jealous God who will not let go.  This is a relationship He fights for, winning my heart again and again. 

In the beginning of the book, it talks a lot about the Garden of Eden and how Eve walked with God... then the fall to sin came and their relationship changed drastically.  It became harder to commune with Him because of sin.  Not only do we still feel that heartbreak and we have that longing in us to want to be with Him.... but imagine how He feels.  I forget about that.  He is a jealous God.  Loving us unconditionally, faithfully, and without waver.  Imagine how He felt to not have that intimate communion with Eve anymore.  I think it broke His heart, more than it did Eve. 

It's a great book, I highly recommend it for any woman.  If you don't have a date for Valentine's Day, go to a bookstore or alibris.com and get this book.  :o) 

It feels good to at least began to understand the love and desire God truly has for me.  Have a great Valentine's Day, with or without a date!

giving up

I think there is the good kind of giving up and the bad kind of giving up. 

I am hopefully "giving up" in a good way.  I'm tired of hoping and praying for this idiot of a guy to pursue me.  If it's been this long {SO FREAKIN' LONG} and he hasn't stepped up.... then he's just out of luck... and a chicken might I add.  And I do mean HE is out of luck and it's his loss.  I deserve better. 

I want more... someone who knows what he's got, realizes that I am a woman of God - wonderful, beautiful and worth more than any other woman he's known. 

I pray for a man that pursues me and loves me, who has a heart that loves God and prays about who God wants him to be - a leader, a man of integrity and strength... and we can center our relationship around God. 

Someone I have fun with and laugh with... even if my loud laugh embarrasses him a little.  Someone who is silly and playful with me.... but in our moments of weakness and tears can be vulnerable and speak our minds, and we can be there for each other. 

Ohhhhh.... at times i feel like i'm in a dream world.  Maybe I should stick with kissing frogs instead?  :o) 

{promises}

I believe the holidays are getting to me.  This oh-so-obvious state of being single at Christmas is my latest struggle... as it is for many others.  {I just hate admitting it}.  The funny thing is that even through this struggle, I feel God reminding me of His promises a little bit everyday.

Today I was driving to my mom's house and I was reminded of a sweet word spoken to me years ago.   I was driving home from work and I was crying.  The story is that I liked this guy and he liked someone else.  She was incredibly talented and beautiful, and just the fact that he didn't like me made me feel that I was not those things.  I felt rejected.  My prayer wasn't really any words but more of a groaning really. {quite pathetic I know}  I do remember praying that God would bless me with a husband and that if this guy was not what was best for me, that He would bring someone else.  Then in a moment, my whole perspective changed.  I heard this sweet whisper.  It was one of those moments where you know it's not you, you just know that it's God...

"He will chase you as I have chased you and love you as I have loved you."  

I immediately felt at peace.  It gave me joy knowing that He cared about this heartbreak.  To know that God wasn't ignoring my pain, but was compassionate and spoke encouragement to me.  Weeks later, I began to doubt and wondered if that was really God speaking... did it even line up with the Word?  I found that in Ephesians 5, Paul talks about how we, as believers, should live our lives in wisdom and love for others.  He goes on to talk about the unity of husband and wife and how the marriage covenant should honor God.  

"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church.  He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.  Instead, she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.  For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.   No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church.  And we are his body."  

It still amazes me that God cares about this part of my life.  That may sound silly to some, but for so long I felt like this part of my life was oblivious to Him.  I love knowing that God desires for me to pursued and loved by my husband.  He longs for me to be protected and cherished... as He already protects, cherishes and loves me as His bride.  I love how He wants me to love and respect my husband, to pray and care for him.  This gives me joy in knowing He will bless my marriage!  

As a young girl, I never wanted to get married.  Are you shocked?  Most people are when I tell them that.  I just never thought any good could come of getting married because of my parents.  As a young teenager, I came to know a wonderful youth pastor and his wife that showed me how a godly marriage should be.  They argued occasionally {in a healthy way of course} but more than anything I saw their love for one another.  They were affectionate and loving, they spoke with kindness and respect.  {something I never saw at home} I am SO thankful for them!  They made me believe that marriage can be a good thing.  I still struggled with this fear through my early twenties, but I began to see more and more marriages come together that honored God.  As I've grown in my faith, God's promises to me are more real everyday.  Unfortunately I am fought in this area more than any other part of my life.  Satan attacks me so much and I become discouraged... I believe He attacks more because he is aware of the blessing that is to come in my life.   I believe God has bigger plans for me than what I plan for myself!  I believe He is a loving Heavenly Father who only longs to give me good things.   {THAT} has taken me years to believe!  I believe part of his plan is to bless me with a husband, a family and a home that glorifies Him!  As a close friend once said.... "You were created for Him."  It really is all about Him, His timing, His plan.... so that He is glorified.   It's not about me.  

In regards to the guy that I liked back in the day.... thank you Jesus that I never dated him!  hahaha!  And because this is my blog and I am not naming any names I can say he was {at least back then} quite a coward, a gossip, and more of a follower than a leader.   I guess God knew what he was doing after all because I would have a hard time respecting a man like that.  

Dominican Republic = less of me

I love the Dominican Republic and I want to go back! We got back last Sunday, Valentines Day and I took Monday off. My stomach was upset and I literally slept all day. Mr. Bathroom became my best friend. I had no appetite, but eventually ate oatmeal. I didn't want anything at first, then I found myself craving fresh pineapple. They have delicious fresh fruit. Mmmmmm. :o) I’m still having trouble drinking sweet tea again. SO weird! I mean, I’m a southerner! Hello! This should not be a problem. They have this tea in the DR, Ahh-Mazing! Kind of like an apple-cinnamon tea, very strong and oh so good. And the hot chocolate... oh how I love thee! It is nothing like American hot chocolate. Silly Americans - we have water with some powder - what were we thinkin'?

I am still processing everything from being in the Dominican but I have to say, it has changed my heart.  I am much more aware of what it really means to die to myself.  I want to give more, love more and pray more that people know God and love Him. This trip was an amazing experience - kind of like having spiritual open heart surgery... that you are awake for... with a lot of people you barely know watching.  It made me examine my heart, dig a little deeper and really {want} to change. I want to know what it means to be Christ to those around me and die to my selfish ways. It's not an overnight change, but a daily battle I am more aware of.

Before the trip, I was reading Proverbs 31 and I taped it up in my bathroom, just because. I've read this scripture a million times. I didn't give it too much thought. Now I see that God laid that on my heart to redesign my heart. He has been pursuing me and molding me to become the woman He wants me to be. The Proverbs 31 woman is hard-working, never lazy, she’s wise and seeks God above all things. She is prayerful, faithful, energetic and strong, a woman of integrity and grace. I want to be this woman… what God desires me to be. And that means dying to myself.

God was calling me to fast before the trip - for the team and for the Dominicans.  I feel like there was more to the fasting than what I realized at that time.  He kept speaking to me, "It's not about you, it's about ME."  I was thinking, this is about being dependent on Him because this will be a hard trip. Well... that was only part of it.  I think my heart needed one of those shocks that you get when on the operating table... kind of how I felt. (Not that thats ever happened but I'm just saying).  Learning to die to myself and be rid of my selfishness is the biggest thing I've taken away from this trip.  Recognizing that I shouldn't complain but be grateful, learning to give freely to others, to love others {unselfishly} and count it all joy! I’m {learning} to rest and take joy in knowing I am loved and cherished by GOD!  Joy in knowing that He cares for me, so there's no need to complain or be discouraged but to count it all joy.  My struggles won't go away, in fact when I came back from the trip they almost seem worse, but my reaction to it can change.

I'm thankful for God's provision in my life.  I'm thankful to have a hot shower and a bed! I {heart} my bed. And my pillow... not just any pillow. I have a fancy-smansy memory foam pillow that helps me sleep... oh I missed that little guy! I’m blessed to take showers without fear of getting sick from parasites, yet burdened to pray for the people that get sick from that water every day. I pray for their health and protection, for their families and children. I'm grateful to sleep comfortably with a roof over my head, with no fear of sleeping with a mouse or a roach. {totally serious here} I am grateful to not be sleeping on an air mattress that hurts my back and wake up at 2am with a roach on me. I don't like any bug really, but the worst of them all is a rrrroach. {I even hate the word} I wanted to scream but I knew I'd wake everyone up, so I tried to remain calm.  At 2:00am.  After it crawled on my leg.  In my sheets.  Ewwww. That little guy wanted to sleep with me and I was like... No sir! You better back off! Take your six little legs and scurry out of my sheets!  The thing is, people live in far worse conditions... a lot worse than just worrying if a stupid roach is on you or not. I really am blessed! There are so many things we take forgranted everyday... heat and A/C, electricity, a bed, a shower, clean water, medicine! And did you know that gas in DR is $22 a gallon? Yeah. No kidding.

When people ask me how was my trip... I don't quite know what to say. It was really good, but it was also very convicting, which is hard.  Learning to die to myself, to get past my selfishness, to be continually mindful and prayful, to love others and show them the love of Christ... that's a lot to take in.  I didn't really feel like myself. Everyday I was adjusting to new surroundings, the culture {which I love} and my teammates.  I constantly felt awkward and out of place, although I know I was right where God wanted me. Unfortunately in the moments of my weakness, my struggles came forth and I hate it when my flesh gets in the way.  Arrrg.  Dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy.  We lived in a constant state of be ready for anything, adapt quickly and be {continually} prayerful. Taking all this home really changes you.  I was with this amazing team {the dangerous team} that I barely knew before the trip and most of them all knew each other fairly well... except for me. I love my team very much, but there was this constant battle in my spirit of feeling like the odd-ball, but I know that I was right where God wanted me {for such a time as this}. There was a peace about the trip, knowing God was orchestrating everything as it should be. As the week went on, I got more comfortable with everyone.  It was a joy to be around them and it was a lot of fun. Our daily devotionals were great. I loved the words of wisdom and hearing the personal stories.

Lots of great stories - getting a GAzillion bars of soap to give away at the clinic, having devotionals with a hen that was nesting beside me in a flower pot, the goat that chased me, when I got electrocuted in the van, and the best one yet - when I rode the mo-ped to the dental clinic. That's right! Yahoo! And let's not forget the party in the bathroom with our team leader jumping up and down while we're all crammed in there brushing our teeth. That makes me happy. I was with a lot of morning people... you know the kind I'm talking about. :-)

One of my favorite memories is the look on the kids faces when we gave them a jump rope. A jump rope. They were ecstatic! I remember giving the kids stickers and twirling tops, they were so happy! I will always remember that. I absolutely LOVED the Dominicans. I loved talking with them and playing with the kids.  Taking blood pressure was my favorite because I got to greet them and talk with them. I loved seeing them smile. I just {LOVED} to see them smile, especially the kids.  I got to do a little bit of everything - blood pressure, pharmacy and dental. I liked the pharmacy because of the fast pace and I felt like I was helpful (for the most part).  I think I just really liked being around more people and working so closely with my teammates.  I really liked the dental clinic only because it was held in a school and I got to hang out with the kids!  Yay! 

I love my new Dominican doctor friends!  I loved playing UNO with them!  I really got attached to Rosemary, Julia and Ajakhah. They were so much fun to hang out with.  I especially miss Rosemary... there was a special bond with her and I would {love} to keep in touch somehow.  I miss Pastor Mario, Hairal, and Washington! The staff at the house was so good to us, they were precious!  I miss their sweetness, I just want to go hug them one more time.  I miss my Dominican friends, can't wait to go back.

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You

I was in the Dominican Republic on Valentines Day and my heart was drawn more than anything to the Dominicans and showing them the love of Christ for the short time I was there. On Valentines day morning I shared my testimony at a church in Santa Domingo. My deepest desire was for the people under my voice to know they are loved by God - that my testimony would be about God's faithfulness and love as a Father, accepting us just as we are.

For most of my life, I've struggled with feeling rejected. I know that I am loved, by family and friends, but in all honesty there have been many times where I questioned it. There are so many that I know struggle with the same thing, they just don't talk about it.  For years I have allowed people to tell me who they think I am, even if it totally contradicts who God says I am. The crazy thing is... I believed them!  I let their words slowly kill my self-esteem and form my identity.  I can deal with harsh words for only a short time, but these two people {a.k.a. Satan's spon} have been in my life for an extended period of time.  Years actually.  When you are around someone like that for hours each week... the things they say start to take root.

The truth is something they do not understand... and something I have so easily forgotten.  God's word is truth and it's more powerful than a double-edge sword.  He tells me I am loved!  I am His daughter, His beloved, and His bride.  There's a sweet peace in knowing that I am adopted into the family of God and He loves me unconditionally.  Just as I am.  THAT makes me one happy girl!

This scripture came to my mind and I shared it on Valentines Day because it reminds me that I am loved by God and He is my Father.  Despite all the rejection we face in this world, there is one who accepts us just as we are.

Romans 8:15-17

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."