I have been spending a lot more time at the piano lately. I
used to play a lot when I was a kid, for hours actually. I loved the sound that
each note made and I was fascinated that the sounds could blend so beautifully
with just a touch. And I would sing and sing and sing!
My life right now has been flipped around. It’s not a bad
thing, but it’s hard. It’s very hard. For a while, I was failing to realize how
much I allow fear to affect me. It’s a paralyzing fear aiming for perfection,
being what people expect instead of, well… instead of me.
I go through phases where I’ll feel confident and secure and
I’m truly being myself. It’s a wonderful feeling to be free and not care! I love
it! I feel free, and wonderfully weird and loved! It’s beautiful! I laugh loud
and I speak my mind. I fully love those around me and embrace them. I feel genuine and free!
Then fear creeps in. Ugly, disruptive FEAR. It puts me at a
stand-still. I want to leap and I can’t. I’m hindered and holding back. There
are many things God has been showing me lately and one is this:
Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the
authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces
of evil in the heavenly world. Ephesians 6:12
Fear can control a lot when we let it. It hinders us, it
hinders relationships... with people and with God Himself. It keeps us from
taking that step toward what we truly want, it keeps us from fully loving others,
it keeps us from embracing who we really are and who we’re created to be. This fear is not from God. I
hate fear. I hate how the enemy works. I’m beginning to see his sneaky tactics.
I hate how Satan creeps in slowly with fear without us even realizing what he’s
doing… and before you know it, it’s too late! The fear is overwhelming. He infuriates me.
Today I was playing piano and I’ve been asked to play many
times for people and I turn them down. I’ve been asked to sing and I turn them
down. I just recently started playing for the children’s choir at church and it’s
nerve-wracking for me. God has to truly cover me before I go up there! I worry
about missing a note. I freak if I get off beat! It takes me forever to learn music. I feel like this horrible
amateur who is trying to be better than what I really am. I’m trying so hard to
not mess up!!
I like to go alone to play piano and sing. No one can hear (I
don’t think). It’s my worship time. Sometimes I end up in tears, sometimes I end
up swaying and singing, sometimes I don’t feel like playing worship and I play Broadway
songs.
Today I tried again to learn more of the song I Am Not Alone, sung by Kari
Jobe. I played it a few times with some struggle... ok, a lot of struggle. Then
I heard this sweet whisper and God spoke to me,
Sing for Me. Just sing.
As Moses told God at the burning bush, I told God – I can’t do that. It’s hard to sing and play
at the same time. I mess up a lot. I really mess up, like my hands can’t do it.
My fingers get tangled and my voice shakes.
Then He said it again…
Just sing. I love for you to sing to Me. I never asked you to be
perfect. I don’t care if you mess up.
You don’t need to be perfect. Just be you. I love your heart. Be you My daughter… just
sing and play.
And so I played and sang. And there was peace and beauty in
it. There was no fear.
So, here I am learning to overcome fear. Learning that I have
power to overcome this enemy of my soul. All this talk about fear reminds of
one very powerful thing. Satan can do nothing without God’s permission. This
fear will not overcome me. I know the God who wins every battle and that same
God is fighting for me.
And it’s not the end.
