It's not about me

You can be sure that I have heard the groans of the people of Israel, who are now slaves to the Egyptians. And I am well aware of my covenant with them.

“Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the Lord!’”

So Moses told the people of Israel what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery. Exodus 6:5 – 9

I have had my heart set on this scripture for a while, pondering it, and wrestling with why it seems significant to me. Why is God showing me this? There's so much depth to this scripture and i can only go into a portion of it now. One thing I see, one thing i finally get is...  I am an Israelite. 

The things of this world can enslave us and hold us down. I can be the negative, non-believing Israelite. I am His child. My Father God tells me His promises, He reassures me of His love, He tenderly speaks to my heart confirming His promises again and again, yet I walk in disbelief.

As it happened with the Israelites, sometimes the brutality of life can wear us down so much that we can’t see the next step. And we choose to become so distraught, we lose our hope.  

I have often thought that HOPE was about holding on tightly. Holding on with everything in me! Holding on with all my strength! It’s not. Hope is about letting go and letting the ONE who is perfect work it out and I just get to be me.

So, what is it that I’ve been missing? How does that scripture relate?  

Well, to put it quite frankly – it’s not about me.

Maybe you are like me in some ways. I’ve focused hard on ministry, work, my needs, my desires, my dreams, my feelings… And I forget who it is that is behind it all and what really matters. It’s not about me. It’s about HIM.

Those dreams, those desires, those passions are gifts from Him. I just need to trust.

In this scripture, God is telling Moses {Paraphrased}, ‘I’ve heard the cries of My people. They belong to Me. I see their struggle. I see their tears. I hear their prayers. They are not forgotten. They are not ignored. It’s just been a matter of time and the time has come. I will do a mighty work and they will know I am the Lord their God.’

More times than I’d like to admit, I’ve felt completely ignored by God. I have felt forgotten. I’ve wondered if He sees me at all. In the scriptures above, God reminds Moses of who He is. He repeatedly says,

‘I am the Lord.

I will free you…

I will redeem you…

I will rescue you…

I will claim you as My own…

I will.

Did you see that? I will… I will… It’s not about you. It’s not about me.

It’s about HIM.

So maybe we stop holding on to what we think our life is supposed to look like and let go. Have hope in the ONE who knows us inside-out, every detail of our being, every hair on our head, every wrinkle on our skin. Trust in the ONE whose ways are perfect.

He wants to do something so great and so wonderful that we can’t mistake that it is only by HIS hand.

Dwell on His truth. Take Him at His word. Read His truth continually so that His words become so engrained in your mind that you don’t give the enemy a foothold. 

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

The oppression of the enemy fights us, wearing us down. I have to remind myself of God's promises and rest in Him. I choose to focus on His truth and speak boldly against the fear of the enemy. I choose LOVE. I choose to let go and HOPE. I have a perfect, holy Creator God who loves me beyond my comprehension. And He works things out for the good of those that truly love Him. {Romans 8} I believe He will do things in such a way that there is no other explanation for His work, so that HE alone gets the glory.

He only asks me to seek Him first. Seek the kingdom of God first. And so, I let go.

It’s not about me.

Some things in life may seem impossible. Things may seem to never end. Maybe you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

There is. It is Him.

There’s so much more depth to this scripture and that will come later. I will let this soak in for now.  

Perfect love casts out fear

I have been spending a lot more time at the piano lately. I used to play a lot when I was a kid, for hours actually. I loved the sound that each note made and I was fascinated that the sounds could blend so beautifully with just a touch. And I would sing and sing and sing!

My life right now has been flipped around. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s hard. It’s very hard. For a while, I was failing to realize how much I allow fear to affect me. It’s a paralyzing fear aiming for perfection, being what people expect instead of, well… instead of me.

I go through phases where I’ll feel confident and secure and I’m truly being myself. It’s a wonderful feeling to be free and not care! I love it! I feel free, and wonderfully weird and loved! It’s beautiful! I laugh loud and I speak my mind. I fully love those around me and embrace them. I feel genuine and free! 

Then fear creeps in. Ugly, disruptive FEAR. It puts me at a stand-still. I want to leap and I can’t. I’m hindered and holding back. There are many things God has been showing me lately and one is this:

Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. Ephesians 6:12

Fear can control a lot when we let it. It hinders us, it hinders relationships... with people and with God Himself. It keeps us from taking that step toward what we truly want, it keeps us from fully loving others, it keeps us from embracing who we really are and who we’re created to be. This fear is not from God. I hate fear. I hate how the enemy works. I’m beginning to see his sneaky tactics. I hate how Satan creeps in slowly with fear without us even realizing what he’s doing… and before you know it, it’s too late! The fear is overwhelming. He infuriates me.

Today I was playing piano and I’ve been asked to play many times for people and I turn them down. I’ve been asked to sing and I turn them down. I just recently started playing for the children’s choir at church and it’s nerve-wracking for me. God has to truly cover me before I go up there! I worry about missing a note. I freak if I get off beat! It takes me forever to learn music. I feel like this horrible amateur who is trying to be better than what I really am. I’m trying so hard to not mess up!!

I like to go alone to play piano and sing. No one can hear (I don’t think). It’s my worship time. Sometimes I end up in tears, sometimes I end up swaying and singing, sometimes I don’t feel like playing worship and I play Broadway songs.

Today I tried again to learn more of the song I Am Not Alone, sung by Kari Jobe. I played it a few times with some struggle... ok, a lot of struggle. Then I heard this sweet whisper and God spoke to me,

Sing for Me. Just sing.

As Moses told God at the burning bush, I told God – I can’t do that. It’s hard to sing and play at the same time. I mess up a lot. I really mess up, like my hands can’t do it. My fingers get tangled and my voice shakes.

Then He said it again…

Just sing. I love for you to sing to Me. I never asked you to be perfect. I don’t care if you mess up.

You don’t need to be perfect. Just be you. I love your heart. Be you My daughter… just sing and play.

And so I played and sang. And there was peace and beauty in it. There was no fear. 

So, here I am learning to overcome fear. Learning that I have power to overcome this enemy of my soul. All this talk about fear reminds of one very powerful thing. Satan can do nothing without God’s permission. This fear will not overcome me. I know the God who wins every battle and that same God is fighting for me.

And it’s not the end.

Where am I going???

"so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." 1 Thessalonians 2:8

These precious children are part of the Kory Wawanaca Children's Home. This is where I will be going on the mission trip in July!  The children's home is located deep in the Andes Mountains in Tacachia.  Please "LIKE" their Facebook page and show them support and make sure you look through all the sweet pictures of the kids. They're precious!  You can also visit their website at http://www.kwchildren.org/

These pictures are from the facebook page, I don't have any of my own yet, but will post plenty by the time I get back.


If you can please support us through prayer - praying for our team as we travel and work together.  If you are able to support me financially on the trip, that would be a wonderful blessing too. 

Please make your checks payable to Matthews UMC and in the “memo” section indicate "July 2013 - Bolivia - Autumn."  Gifts to the church, with an expression of a preference for trip expenses, are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law.  If for some reason I an unable to participate in the trip, your gifts will be used to support this mission program.

Please know your support is very much appreciated.   You can send the check to the church office:

Matthews United Methodist Church
801 South Trade Street
Matthews, NC  28105

Attn:  Becky Stegall

Thank you so much for all your past support and your prayers as we continue we share the light into this darkened part of the world.
May God continue to bless you and your family now and always.

BOLIVIA 2013!!!

Thank you so much for watching the video.  If you can please support us through prayer - praying for our team as we travel and work together.  If you are able to support me financially on the trip, that would be a wonderful blessing too.  Please make your checks payable to Matthews UMC and in the “memo” section indicate "July 2013 - Bolivia - Autumn."  Gifts to the church, with an expression of a preference for trip expenses, are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law.  If for some reason I an unable to participate in the trip, your gifts will be used to support this mission program.

Please know your support is very much appreciated.   You can send the check to the church office:

Matthews United Methodist Church
801 South Trade Street
Matthews, NC  28105

Attn:  Becky Stegall

Thank you so much for all your past support and your prayers as we continue we share the light into this darkened part of the world.
May God continue to bless you and your family now and always.

A huge thank you to Mr. Joshua Marshman for helping me make this video for support. You are amazing! 

Meet my cousins "Uz and Buz!"

My name is Autumn and while I like my name, I appreciate the meaning behind it more. Autumn means mature; a time of harvest; maturity. It is also my favorite season! I didn't like my name as a kid, but now i embrace it. 

NAMES - I have pondered this many times and I just thought I’d like to share my thoughts on this little blog. First, let me ask, why is it that parents, particularly Christian parents come up with the hard to pronounce, no-meaning-at-all names? Or they pick a name only for the simple {poor} reason that “it’s Biblical” without ever reading about the true meaning of the name?

For centuries, the meaning behind a person's name is very important. It's something they live up to. Names are considered one of those choices that you are to make with a sober mind and careful consideration. This brings me to my next question… why do people feel the urge to get super creative and pull some name out of their butt? {sorry for the bluntness} But seriously, please explain this to me. If you don't care about the meaning behind the name and if you are not a Christian, then I completely understand that I shouldn't expect you to honor your child with the name you choose. If you do care and especially if you are a Christian believer, I ask you to choose a name with careful consideration. 

A name is important. Even God Himself renamed people throughout the Bible because of their calling and purpose. Children live up to the name you give them. No question. They will. They always do. 

People in the Bible even changed their names to show of the type of person they were “becoming.” Think about it… in Ruth 1:20, Naomi says, 

“She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.”

It’s not a uplifting example, but it proves my point. God changed people’s names too… from Abram to Abraham, and Sarai to Sarah. It was as if He was giving them a new identity {as if the old were being washed away}. Sarai means “Princess” but God changed it to Sarah which means “mother of many nations.” This is huge! God was changing her name because of His promise to give her a child. I read that and think, this is like God saying I made a promise, I am faithful, I am who I say I AM and I stake my claim of this promise to you. Every time you are spoken of from now on as your new name Sarah, it’s a reminder of this promise being fulfilled!

Why was God re-naming people? I see it as God was giving them a name that fit their calling and purpose, it was a new identity, a new mission, a new outlook and hope for what was to come.

This is simply just my opinion based on scriptures and what I've learned. I'm tired of trying to pronounce these really hard names with no meaning behind them. I'm tired of trying to hold in my laughter when someone introduces their child "Asshole." {I'm not kidding}. 

All this said, I don't mean to offend and this is only my opinion. Take it for what it's worth, but I firmly believe names are very important. Please do not name your child any of the following: 

Princess – it is ridiculously unprofessional to see this on a future resume and I can’t call anyone that. 

Delilah – didn’t she lure men to her lustfully in sin?  
Cain – killed his brother

Judas – do I really need to explain this?

Jehovah – mmm… there’s only One and it ain't your kid. 

Ham – Hello lunchmeat?

Shem – just no.
Jezebel - you really want your child to live up to this?
Lorelai - it’s not Biblical, but according to Greek mythology, she was a siren that lured sailors to a watery grave. 
Adolf – not a Biblical name, but why would you name your child after a crazy man who murdered millions of people.

{You may laugh but it is true that these are actual names that some people like… or maybe they know that they aren’t good names and they just want to torture their own children?}
Scooter or Skeeter - are we Hillbillys? 
Jacob – I know this is a popular name, but it means “Trickster and deceiver." I've had so many babysitting jobs, I can tell you for sure, they live up to the name! 

Any thoughts?  Humor me, please.

reaching my goals

This past weekend I had a big accomplishment for myself.... I ran my first 1/2 marathon!  I will say that my training for it took a backseat a few weeks prior and I was worried I would not do as well as I hoped.  Two years ago I was running 7 miles twice a week, at a 10:30something mile pace.... while I like that, I have not be able to train as hard this time and wasn't sure what I was going to do. 

In my training lately, I haven't even had a watch to clock myself and the website runkeeper has been giving me a hard time so I haven't even kept up with the mileage each time.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  So I had no clue what I was doing in my training. 

I asked so many people for prayer and told them I literally could not do it without God helping me.... and I never wanted this to sound cliche' but I constantly said "the Lord is my Strength."  Literally I know that HE gives me every breath, He gives me strength, and He is glorified in what I do when I acknowledge Him.  I prayed almost the entire time I was running. 

I may have fallen behind in training but I had already paid a lot of money, I had never been to Savannah before, and I was just too excited about the race that I couldn't not do it.  So... I ran.  Hard.  And my time was 2:18:23.  I kept a 10:34 pace almost the entire time.  I honestly praise God for this.  It just makes me realize that He truly is wonderful, strong and faithful - even when we are not.  And if I can recognize Him in things I do, like running, He gets glory from that. 

Now... I only ask of those reading this to please pray that my recovery would be better.  Right now, asthma has been acting up a lot more and it hurts my chest.  Please pray for a smoother recovery.  Thank you friends!

I'm all His. 

calling

I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I love my job.  It is ministry and it's wonderful, i work with amazing, talented people and i feel incredibly blessed to be there.  I literally got everything I prayed for.  


What most people don't know is a deeper longing that God has placed uniquely on my heart, and burdened me to the point of hurting.  My love is children and youth - to see them learning about God, to see families come together and watch them grow.  It makes me smile!  I love watching moms and dads teach the classes and to watch the children grasp the lessons.  I love the children and the youth that I work with - to see them becoming disciples and growing in their faith.  It's an extra bonus when I see the older children guiding the younger.  Eeeeeeeee!  :o)


In the middle of this love for them.... my heart breaks for orphans.  I have a burden for orphans that makes me weep.  I want to help, to provide for them, to take care of them somehow, and to help them know Christ and be disciples, for them to know they are loved!  I want them to know they are loved!  They are not abandoned, God cherishes them and loves them more than anything!  It breaks my heart to know they have no mom and dad because of war, disease, and starvation.  I hate it.... it is heartbreaking to hear their stories of watching their mom raped and killed by soldiers.  I just can't... it breaks my heart.


My heart is anxious to see what God has planned.  I don't know the "how"or the "where" and as I feel this constant need to be in control.... it bothers me immensely.  I don't feel called to be a full-time missionary, I love working here and I feel like the work I do here will be taken outside the church... hopefully across the world.  I just don't know where.  I already feel Uganda calling me and feel like I will be there within the next few years. Maybe Kenya too?  Dominican again?  Brazil?  Local children's homes in NC?


I'm trying to let go, to trust that God has a plan and he is at work even now.  At my job, I write/edit curriculum for Sunday school, plan VBS along-side some amazing volunteers, I act like a fool on stage during a family worship time for the kids to learn a Bible lesson, I organize presentations, meetings and newsletters and I am constantly editing!  And i love it all.  It will all be worth it when it's taken across the world one day.


I am anxious to see how all this will pan out.  I also worry about other random things.... these desires I have to get married and start my own family.  What happens to that?  Should I forget it?  How can I when it's so deep?  What happens to these desires?  Part of God's plan or only mine?  How does all that fit together?


I am human.  I am a woman.  I am 31 years old.  I am broken.  I am willing.


So... I just have to wait.  

one day...

Wait for the man who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical.  
Wait for the man who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you.  
Wait for the man who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile.  
Wait for the man who praises God for you, and encourages you daily in your walk, and most importantly, 
wait for the man who is more in love with God than you.

{i'm a little iffy on the whole "drop everything to be with me part but the rest is true}

Psalm 146: 5 -6 

but happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, 
whose hope is in the LORD their God.  

He is the one who made heaven and earth, 

the sea and everything in them.  

He is the one who keeps every promise forever.  

having excess

“For the next few minutes, he described how he was selling his large house and had decided to give away many of his other possessions. He talked about the needs he wanted to invest his resources in for the glory of Christ. Then he looked at me through tears in his eyes and said, ‘I wonder at some points if I’m being irresponsible or unwise. But then I realize there is never going to come a day when I stand before God and he looks at me and says, ‘I wish you would have kept more for yourself.’ “ –Radical

I am planning to go to the Dominican Republic in February and I feel this tugging on my heart to give more and love more, to let go of my selfishness and greed {which can be so hard to recognize sometimes}.  Maybe this is God preparing me for what's ahead?  I feel like my love for others has not been actively shown as it should.  God is making me question the motivations of my heart and challenging me to love more.  

I am in the process of moving and looking at all that I have.  I kept saying "I just don't have that much stuff" but it didn't take long to realize I have excess!  I feel that there are others that would count these things as blessings, when I hold on to them as extra for me in case I need it.  Selfish, huh?  I have so much stuff, it's ridiculous!  I feel this tugging on my heart to let go and give these things away that clutter my life.  I don't need three bottles of lotion or two extra toothbrushes {that were freely given to me}.   I don't need the extra blue blanket in the closet!  

I was just talking with some friends about the DR trip last year and how I got to work in the dental clinic.  I will never forget the look on the kids faces as we gave them toothbrushes.  They were so excited!  It amazes me how much we take things for granted.   I tear up thinking of their little faces and the excitement in their eyes.  They were so thankful and I believe they felt loved {maybe in a small way} to know that someone cares and wants to provide for them.  I just hope they see that we do those things because Christ calls us to love and serve them.  

In the meantime, I hope I can give more here.  I don't want to hold on to things that only clutter my life, I don't want to have excess when the homeless guy down the street doesn't even have a bed to sleep on.  I don't need six scarfs when the lady I met at a homeless ministry was freezing and I knew she would be sleeping in a shelter that night.  I feel God tugging at my heart to let go of these things to bless others... now just have to step out and act on it.   

   

{provision}

Luke 12:27 - 32 
"Look at the lilies and how they grow.  They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?  You have so little faith!  And don't worry about food - what to eat and drink.  Don't worry whether God will provide it for you.  These things dominate the thoughts of most people, but your Father already knows your needs.  He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.  So don't be afraid, little flock.  For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom."  


I must tell of God's provision and goodness in my life!  I had an extremely hard time writing a tithing check in November for many, many reasons.  I have questioned tithing but the more I read, the more I believe it's something God asks of us as believers.  I was worried about my bills and rent.  I was sitting in church and prayed that God would provide financially, help me get out of my current lease and provide for me a place to stay within a week {as I was planning to move in 7 days}.  I wrote the check and prayed that God would be faithful.... as He always is.

5 hours later.... a girl from church asked me if I needed a place to stay while my life adjusts for a bit.  Booyah!!!

i {LOVE} it when God provides!

Oh and btw - I owe nothing on my lease.  Go God!

... and I have a job starting in January.  :o)

Preparation

"No, the kind of fasting I want calls you to free those who are wrongly imprisoned and to stop oppressing those who work for you. Treat them fairly and give them what they earn.  I want you to share your food with the hungry and to welcome poor wanderers into your homes. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind.  Then when you call, the LORD will answer.  'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply.  "Stop oppressing the helpless and stop making false accusations and spreading vicious rumors!  Feed the hungry and help those in trouble. 
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The LORD will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.  Your children will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as the people who rebuild their walls and cities." - Isaiah  58:6-12

I've been reading more on these verses and the way God was directing His people to fast.  He was teaching the people to fast so that it honored Him only.  They were fasting to "please themselves." Only with a pure heart can we selflessly serve and love others.   

There's a peace pouring over me like a heavy balm because I know God is at work, even though there have been many times lately where my flesh begins to feel anxious.  God has been speaking to me giving me clarity and guiding me.  I feel as if I am dying to myself... {SO hard} because I can be very stubborn, wanting my own way. 

In verse 10, it says that through the fast "your light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy too."  For so long, I have struggled wondering if God cares for me at all and through this time, I am realizing more how He wants me to grow and He desires good things for me.  He's not working against me, but He's longs to bless and help me grow to become to woman of God He created me to be.

What I never realized before is that His dreams for me are bigger and better than anything I could have imagined for myself!  This dying process is not easy at all.  It means He is molding me to His image.  He's taking a selfish, sinful pile of dirt and molding it into a beautiful vessel....  that's not easy. 

He is restoring everything that Satan has stolen from me.... confidence, joy, peace, my family, my future - my children, my husband, generations to come!  I see Him working and preparing me for something greater.... I've never felt this way before. {my hands are shaking just writing this} 

This very scripture and others that He has shown me are about praying {being intimate with Him}, fasting, and serving others, and through that comes healing and freedom.  Being intimate with God will change you and change your circumstances.  He works in your favor - whether you see it in that moment or not.  He is revealing to me how much freedom and joy come from serving and how fasting teaches us how to do that.  Fasting teaches us to be rid of our pride, our selfishness and to love as Christ loves.  It's really all about serving one another... and if you can't do that now as a single person, how can you do that when you're married?  Isn't that what marriage is about?  Loving and respecting someone is about serving them and to love them as Christ loves the church.  Yes... God is speaking to me a lot about marriage.  I never thought He would {not like this}.  When you have been hurt, it's just easier to close people off.  God isn't allowing me to do that anymore.  He's gently pushing my heart to move forward and walk in His promises.  I'm constantly hearing His voice and tug at my heart. 

"Be confident in the work I am doing.  Let Me lead."

He's healing me and restoring everything!  There's a sweet freedom that comes from walking in His promises.  He's constantly telling me to look forward and be confident in His promises.  God is fervently preparing me for something bigger.  It's so sweet to feel this intimate with God!  He gives me scriptures {love notes} about love and serving others.  I constantly find myself reading about words of kindness vs. words that are harsh, taking initiative and choosing to love.  Showing grace instead of criticism, being quick to forgive and slow to anger.  He's speaking to me about quality time {a lot}- to know Him deeper and spend time with Him.  One verse has constantly been on my heart in regards to love and serving others....  

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.  It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 

I'm a Sprout!

Some of you know that these past couple years have been rough.  {this is not a whiney blog I promise} I have been in an environment where everything I say or do is looked down on.  I've been yelled at for some of the most ridiculous things. I've been told that I'm incompetent. I've had doors slammed in my face and papers jerked out of my hand.  I've dealt with constant belittling and verbal abuse.  It's been incredibly unhealthy and my self-esteem has taken a hit. This has affected all my relationships.

However, this is a new season and things are changing! I'm so excited! I am beyond thrilled to be moving forward in life!!!  :-) 

I have learned a lot from this person. One thing I've learned is to not allow someone's words to form my identity. Just because someone labels you as something doesn't mean that is who you are.  It's hard to overcome this when their words are drilled into you almost everyday.  I honestly had started to believe what they said about me, but their words really mean nothing other than proving their ignorance. 

Romans 8 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible because it talks about our identities in Christ. My identity comes from my Heavenly Father - who loves me, sent His Son to die for me and He calls me beloved, beautiful, His royal daughter.

During youth service a few weeks ago, I was knelt down praying and I found this scripture on a note lying on the floor, as soon as I read it, I thought this is exactly what God is doing right now.

"The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word.  I send it out, and it always produces fruit.  It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands!  Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.  Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up.  This miracle will bring great honor to the LORD's name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love." - Isaiah 55:10-13

This is a reminder of the promises of God - that He is faithful and good.  His word is never lacking in power, it never returns void and there is always a purpose.  Just because we may not see something happen when we think it should, doesn't mean that God is not working.  Why would God not want good things for us?  Why would He put me in a situation of verbal abuse?  Maybe because I worry about what people say, instead of placing my whole heart in Him and holding to His truth.

"Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up."

These last couple of years, I have felt as if I've literally had a thorn choking the life out of me.  Thorns keep plants from growing because they hinder them from getting the nutrients they need.  Flowers eventually become so weak, they can't bloom.  Then all you see is a dying, wimpy leaf lying on the ground, helpless, barely hanging on to its last breath.  What does the gardener do?  I've seen gardners have such a hard time with thorns, they actually have to use a bull-dozer to plow through them.  Sometimes a gardner is able to wear thick gloves and rip the thorns out by hand, but not always.  He may have to re-plant things in a new place so they can grow in a healthy enviroment.  It may take time to rebloom and it won't be easy, but the new soil will be healthy and allow the little flower to bloom.  So.... I'm a sprout!  :-) 

I'm so excited! I see new life, a new season! I see myself blooming! I feel as if I'm this tiny, little bulb breathing air for the first time in years! I see all my friends that have supported me as these beautiful mountains and hills surrounding me bursting into song, praising God for the work He's done!  The new people I am surrounded by have already shown themselves to be uplifting and encouraging, I see them as beautiful trees around me, helping me to grow.  I look up to them and I'm learning a lot already.

I prayed for God to rescue me and He did!  I feel as if He kept digging, cutting through briars and thorns, plowing His way through... fighting for me.  He found a new place to plant me where I can bloom and be restored.  The Lord has been speaking to me a lot about restoration.  Everything that the Lord restores is for His glory, for His kingdom, so that He will be known, but the restoration process is never easy.  Ohhh... the changes in my life that are about to come!  {tear. now}

David Guzik said in his commentary,
"The picture is clear; in His glorious work of restoration, God takes away the barren and the cursed, and brings forth beauty and fruit." 

"Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up. This miracle will bring great honor to the LORD's name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love...." - (myrtle- Hebrew, Hedes, from which comes Hedassah, the original name of Esther. Type of the Christian Church; for it is a lowly, though beautiful, fragrant, and evergreen shrub) Psalm 92:13-14.

This scripture had me thinking if I were a plant, what would I be?  There are so many scriptures that say things like "you will be as a tree...."  or "your mother was as a vine..."  So I am thinking what might I be seen as?  I can tell you what I think or hope to be seen as.... a calla lily. 

One of my favorite flowers is the calla lily.  They're beautiful! The calla lily is one of my favorites because it's beautiful and strong, unlike a daisy or dandelion that if you hit it the wrong way, all the petals fall off. The calla lily doesn't die easily, but it is sensitive to the cold. The stem is long and thick and the roots are strong. They are so elegant and beautiful! They bloom from a bulb so a gardner can actually dig up those bulbs and plant them, so that more will bloom - just because one calla lily bloomed.  {see where I'm going with this} They are sensitive to the frost and they have to have a balance between enough sunshine but just enough shade too. Ok, ok, so maybe I'm a little high maintenance.  :o)

I looked up the symbolic meaning of a calla lily {did not know this until now}, they symbolize a rebirth and restoration. Go figure! They also symbolize "magnificent beauty" and they are used a lot at weddings because of their elegant shape and symbol of new life. I feel as if I am being replanted to bloom and hopefully my little bulbs (testimony) can be used to bless other beautiful, strong calla lilies such as my lifegroup girls at church and I can see the next generation rise up.

Excuse me while I soar

Fear - it's a dirty 4-letter word.  Why should I fear at all?  Where did I get it from?  I believe Satan sees these struggles within us and once he knows how to attack, his goal is to destroy us.  Our fears, if we allow them to, can make us stagnant in our walk with God.  Our fears trap us and keep us from going forward.  Fear affects our witness and the work that we do for the kingdom.  No wonder Satan feeds off of this! 

These past few years, my biggest struggle has been the big question... who am I?  I have worried way too much about what people think.  Fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear of getting hurt.  Too afraid to be myself and say what I feel.  I struggle with not having enough courage and I foolishly put my identity in who people say I am.

{short version of a long story that eventually healed over} A few years ago, there was a young woman that came into my life.  She was a new Christian, struggling with her own insecurities.  I don't think I've ever had anyone be so spiteful in my entire life.  I was around her at least every other week for two years.  I allowed her to belittle me.   It was as if she was stabbing me with a dagger with each word and I never stood up for myself, so I might as well been handing her the darn thing!  One summer we had an all girls vacation and I was upset at something she said.  We came back to the hotel to get ready for our girls night out.  I got in the shower and began to cry.  I could barely catch my breath.  I felt completely rejected and really... unloved.  Then the Lord spoke to me so clearly, I'll never forget it.  He said, 

"My royal daughter, walk with your head raised." 

Notice He didn't say, 'you fearful, little girl.'  Not 'you silly little girl.'  He said, "My royal daughter."  As if He were reminding me of who I am in Him. 

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."  - 1 Peter 2:9

Satan has used people to attack my confidence - non-believers and Christians just the same.  Everyone is facing their own battle.  When Christians let their guard down, they began to walk in the flesh and not the spirit.  Unfortunately I fail miserably everyday.  We don't mean to hurt others but we do.  As far as I can tell, my primary love language is words of affirmation and the other might be acts of service.  When there's someone telling me I'm inadequate, incompetent or not good enough, it cuts really deep.  Positive words can encourage me in a moment and give me confidence.  Positive or negative, I absorb it like a sponge.  I've allowed their opinions to attack my identity and hinder my walk with God.  Negativity eats away at me until my walk becomes a limp and I'm paralyzed with fear.  Fear to not be myself.  Fear that I will always say or do the wrong thing.  I've allowed it to steal my joy. 

Now... I am choosing to ignore those words, rise above their ignorance, and trying to pray for those that hurt me.  {Even if my flesh wants to knock them upside the head}.  I am choosing to soar above them.  My confidence should never be placed in the hands of anyone other than my Lord.  My confidence is in Him alone, for He is my hope and salvation.  My rock and my fortress!  {Psalm 62}

"So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family – calling him "Father, dear Father." - Romans 8:15 NLT

{I freakin' love this scripture!}

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There will always be people in my life that try to tear me down.  This is a daily battle I face at work everyday.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of making a mistake - like typing notes using round bullet points when she wanted square.  It sets her off telling me I'm incompetent and she should have done the job herself.  You think I'm kidding?  I seriously need a tape-recorder.  I walk on eggshells everyday.  It's not healthy for me.  Why has God put me there, you ask?   Oh the lesson I have learned!  It's all about my identity and knowing who I am in Him!  A lesson of confidence in being a child of God.  Wow, the revelation of it all!  THAT my dear friends is what God is doing in my life right now.  Ultimately this is my choice.  There will always be people like that, but I can choose to not let their words define me.  I could continue to let it form my identity, but that would mean that I am foolish enough to believe their lies and ignorance.  I can choose to not forgive and be bitter, but where would that get me? 

I'm learning to rise above.  Ohhh the FREEDOM!!!  I feel like a bird that has just left the nest for the first time!  I might fall hard but I'd miss the adventure of learning to fly. 

I am a woman of God, a beautiful, cherished daughter of a King, wholeheartedly loved by my Heavenly Father!  Fear has no place in that love.... so I choose to soar! 

{makes me heart melt a little}