{promises}

I believe the holidays are getting to me.  This oh-so-obvious state of being single at Christmas is my latest struggle... as it is for many others.  {I just hate admitting it}.  The funny thing is that even through this struggle, I feel God reminding me of His promises a little bit everyday.

Today I was driving to my mom's house and I was reminded of a sweet word spoken to me years ago.   I was driving home from work and I was crying.  The story is that I liked this guy and he liked someone else.  She was incredibly talented and beautiful, and just the fact that he didn't like me made me feel that I was not those things.  I felt rejected.  My prayer wasn't really any words but more of a groaning really. {quite pathetic I know}  I do remember praying that God would bless me with a husband and that if this guy was not what was best for me, that He would bring someone else.  Then in a moment, my whole perspective changed.  I heard this sweet whisper.  It was one of those moments where you know it's not you, you just know that it's God...

"He will chase you as I have chased you and love you as I have loved you."  

I immediately felt at peace.  It gave me joy knowing that He cared about this heartbreak.  To know that God wasn't ignoring my pain, but was compassionate and spoke encouragement to me.  Weeks later, I began to doubt and wondered if that was really God speaking... did it even line up with the Word?  I found that in Ephesians 5, Paul talks about how we, as believers, should live our lives in wisdom and love for others.  He goes on to talk about the unity of husband and wife and how the marriage covenant should honor God.  

"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church.  He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.  Instead, she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.  For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.   No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church.  And we are his body."  

It still amazes me that God cares about this part of my life.  That may sound silly to some, but for so long I felt like this part of my life was oblivious to Him.  I love knowing that God desires for me to pursued and loved by my husband.  He longs for me to be protected and cherished... as He already protects, cherishes and loves me as His bride.  I love how He wants me to love and respect my husband, to pray and care for him.  This gives me joy in knowing He will bless my marriage!  

As a young girl, I never wanted to get married.  Are you shocked?  Most people are when I tell them that.  I just never thought any good could come of getting married because of my parents.  As a young teenager, I came to know a wonderful youth pastor and his wife that showed me how a godly marriage should be.  They argued occasionally {in a healthy way of course} but more than anything I saw their love for one another.  They were affectionate and loving, they spoke with kindness and respect.  {something I never saw at home} I am SO thankful for them!  They made me believe that marriage can be a good thing.  I still struggled with this fear through my early twenties, but I began to see more and more marriages come together that honored God.  As I've grown in my faith, God's promises to me are more real everyday.  Unfortunately I am fought in this area more than any other part of my life.  Satan attacks me so much and I become discouraged... I believe He attacks more because he is aware of the blessing that is to come in my life.   I believe God has bigger plans for me than what I plan for myself!  I believe He is a loving Heavenly Father who only longs to give me good things.   {THAT} has taken me years to believe!  I believe part of his plan is to bless me with a husband, a family and a home that glorifies Him!  As a close friend once said.... "You were created for Him."  It really is all about Him, His timing, His plan.... so that He is glorified.   It's not about me.  

In regards to the guy that I liked back in the day.... thank you Jesus that I never dated him!  hahaha!  And because this is my blog and I am not naming any names I can say he was {at least back then} quite a coward, a gossip, and more of a follower than a leader.   I guess God knew what he was doing after all because I would have a hard time respecting a man like that.  

{provision}

Luke 12:27 - 32 
"Look at the lilies and how they grow.  They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?  You have so little faith!  And don't worry about food - what to eat and drink.  Don't worry whether God will provide it for you.  These things dominate the thoughts of most people, but your Father already knows your needs.  He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.  So don't be afraid, little flock.  For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom."  


I must tell of God's provision and goodness in my life!  I had an extremely hard time writing a tithing check in November for many, many reasons.  I have questioned tithing but the more I read, the more I believe it's something God asks of us as believers.  I was worried about my bills and rent.  I was sitting in church and prayed that God would provide financially, help me get out of my current lease and provide for me a place to stay within a week {as I was planning to move in 7 days}.  I wrote the check and prayed that God would be faithful.... as He always is.

5 hours later.... a girl from church asked me if I needed a place to stay while my life adjusts for a bit.  Booyah!!!

i {LOVE} it when God provides!

Oh and btw - I owe nothing on my lease.  Go God!

... and I have a job starting in January.  :o)

God A.K.A. Genie in a bottle?

I've heard the question many times, "if God is such a loving God, why is there suffering and pain?" 

I have dealt with many situations in my life that have made me ask that question.  Situations such as when a young friend was taken in tragic motorcycle accident, friends hit by drunk drivers, family members were in horrible/almost fatal car accidents and loosing my Papaw to cancer.  Sometimes it's hard to still have hope, but at the end of the day, I still believe in a Savior that is faithful and good.  I believe in a God who has felt every pain we feel and comforts us through those difficult times.  Why do I believe this?  Is it just blind hope?

Please do not take what I'm about to say the wrong way.  Please do not think in any way that I am minimizing someone's pain.  I just ask myself - why do so many of us experience pain?  Then again, why not?  It seems I feel entitled to goodness and the easy life with no suffering.  Could it be that my view of God is this - that whatever god I serve, He should give me exactly what I want and when he doesn't live up to my expectations, then I no longer believe or trust him?  Because in my mind, that is what I think God should be?  He should do everything I ask, just like a genie and when he doesn't, he has failed me.  Why is my perception of God so... off?

So, why is there suffering?  I obviously don't have all the answers.  My belief is that sin entered this world thousands of years ago and continues to destroy lives.  I still believe God is sovereign and loving.  I believe He knows more than me and there is a greater, more beautiful plan than what I can see.  I grew up in an abusive home... why?  Because people have free will and make poor choices.  Why did I watch my friend die from a motorcycle accident?  I don't know, maybe God wanted him more than I did.

I don't know why God chooses to do certain things or why He allows things to happen.  But I know that my Savior suffered for me.
He was spat upon, whipped by metal belts that dug into his back and ripped the skin off.
He was stripped naked and forced to carry a cross meant for a common criminal.
He was nailed to a cross and died for me as a sacrifice for my sin.
He rose again on the third day, conquering death and fulfilling all prophecies of a Savior for all humanity. 
He took on all our sin... while we were still sinners.
I know that because of this... my Savior knows pain.
He understands our sufferings and our weaknesses.  And through the blood on the cross, He heals.
He mends our brokenness, He dries our tears and heals our deepest wounds.
Through the cross is peace.  And because of Him, I can live... even with all the suffering in the world.

He is not my genie.  He is my God.

"If you base your view of God’s love on your circumstances, you will become confused. There may be times when you will ask, “How could a loving God allow this to happen to me?” You may begin to question what you find clearly stated in the Word of God. God promised that you would never be separated from His love; He did not say that you would never face hardship, persecution, poverty, or danger. If you doubt that God could love you and still allow you to experience difficult experiences, consider the life of Jesus."    –Henry Blackaby

Gianna Jessen - Sobrevivente de um aborto (parte 2 de 2)

Gianna Jessen - Abortion Survivor

just enough light

just enough light

"sometimes only the step i'm on, or the very next one ahead, is all that is illuminated for me.  God gives just the amount of light i need for the exact moment i need it.  At those times i walk in surrender to faith, unable to see the future and not fully comprehending the past.  And because it is God who has given me what light i have, i know i must reject the fear and doubt that threaten to overtake me.

i must determine to be content where i am, and allow God to get me where i need to go.  i walk forward, one step at a time, fully trusting that the light God sheds is absolutely sufficient."

~stormie omartian

making my life beautiful

For months, I've been praying for God to show me how to be intimate with Him, how to be completely vulnerable with Him.  Little did I understand what I had asked for. 

I was holding a small baby the other day and she began to cry because how I was holding her, but once I wrapped my arms around her bringing her closer to my chest, she felt secure and calmed down.  She was completely dependent on me so that she wouldn't fall and she longed for that security.  It felt so similar to how we have intimacy with God.  It comes from those moments when we are completely dependent on him and all we know to do is draw closer.  Intimacy with God will never come out of a mediocore walk with him, it will never bloom from a comfortable lifestyle.  Learning how to be vulnerable and intimate comes in times of brokenness, when all we know to do is to cling to him as a small child, surrendering all we have.   

Moses is one of my favorite people in the Bible.  He is vulnerable and scared, and he clearly expresses that to God before he goes to Egypt to free the Israelites - he felt completely inadequate for what God was asking of him.  In Deuteronomy 1:29, he is speaking to the Israelites and reminding them of God's promises.  They had been wandering aimlessly, walking in doubt and fear, and Moses is trying (yet again) to reassure them of the promises of God so that they can go forward.  Moses reminds them of the work God did in Egypt, he reminds them that God provided and worked everything out for their good, that God protected them and he is faithful to do it again.  I love what Moses says,

"... do not be terrified, do not be afraid of them.  The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert.  There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."   

How different would our lives be if we could truly understand how he cares for us?  How different would my walk be if I was truly resting in knowing that he loves me and cares for me?  How many believers are hindered in their intimacy with God because they doubt the love he has for them?  What would it take to convince me of God's love?  A cross, perhaps?

At this time in my life, all i know to do is depend on God.  Like I said, little did I know what I asked for, but there is something truly beautiful in a intimate life spent with him. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11 ~ "He has made everything beautiful in its own time."

Humpty Dumpty

This past week has been rough.  I feel a little like Humpty Dumpty....broken and lying on the ground waiting for God to pick me up.  You may know what I'm talking about. 

Have you ever had someone reject you? 
Have you had someone that you love not be able to handle correction or instruction that's for their good? 
Have you had someone make you feel worthless and easily replaceable? {everything that contradicts God's word}

Satan had his game plan set for me to struggle with worry and doubt for the past month.  I've been debating whether or not to be involved with a particular group.  I've doubted participating because of the hardships that I had last year.  I've prayed for particular people - for God to give me wisdom.  This has been a very hard week.  I have felt like everything I've done has been pointless and made no difference at all.  "Friends" who know about it {because they saw it} still have yet to call me.  {just read the previous post on distant friendships and THAT is why i distance myself}. 

I have officially watched as Satan has used individuals to cause division in the body of Christ.  God has already told me that they will again cause a divide where there is supposed to be unity as brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that others are going to have a hard time and God has specifically told me to pray for them, and I will. 

Since my life has been flipped upside-down recently, I have had multiple people approach me about my value being in Christ and not in these things.  These individuals do not know each other, yet both have reaffirmed my faith.  {truly a blessing i really needed to hear}  God has given me a sweet peace and comfort through this but it's still hard.  It comforts me to know that He is faithful and good to those who love Him, to know that I'm completely surrounded by His love!  THAT is my joy.  And only that. 

{one of the many scripture readings this week}
"I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." ~ john 15:5

some friendships are meant to be distant

{venting}  Lots of things on my mind that I haven't even shared with my closest friends.  I have felt slightly hurt and confused lately.  I thought that through certain activities that I would meet life-long friends.  Unfortunately, this has not been the case. 

I watch my friends/acquaintances actions {that they are completely unaware of} and I feel that they can be very "preoccupied" or another way to put it.... inconsiderate.  I have friends who I'll be in mid conversation with and they will turn their back to me and speak to someone passing by.  Not just one comment or a quick hello, but go into deep conversation with them.  I just feel like that is so rude.  I know sometimes this has happened and the person actually came back to me to finish the convo and I was so thankful and I just thought that was so sweet.   

I'm tired of trying to please people.  Seriously.  It's not worth my energy.  It's literally drains me.  I'm tired of caring so much for people who show no consideration for me.  I except respect.  It's really quite simple.   

I keep telling myself that "i need to be sociable, i need to have people in my life and make stronger, sweeter friendships."  You know what... yeah i do, but only with people who are deserving of my time and energy.  Otherwise, I get hurt.  I don't like it when people {multiple times} say they will join me for a get-together/party/dinner and I keep looking for them to walk through the door and come to find out, they fell asleep.  They won't answer their phone because they're drooling on it! 

If I have distanced myself from you, it may simply be that I'm unaware and need that brought to my attention and I will apologize.  It may have not been done on purpose at all.  There are however those that I have distanced myself from for the very reasons listed above. 

I'm tired of mediocore friendships.  I want relationships, I want to bond and pray with people, I want better communication, I want to be intimate and talk with people in a deep convo that's better than a quick hello/goodbye.  I want to relate with them.... but I would really like the same thing in return. 

This is my statement that I will hold to - I will not put so much effort, energy and worry into these mediocore friendships with those that have little consideration for anyone other than themselves.  If I am asked why I have been distant, I will be completely honest and give correction as needed with love {as iron sharpens iron} for if we are not corrected, how can we grow?  AND I will be willing to listen to correction given to me so that I may grow and be held accountable. 
That is all.

my Calling, my heart

When I was in college, I joined an intense discipleship program called Masters Commission.  I knew I would be doing ministry one day and it was highly recommended.  I wasn't sure what ministry, but knew my heart longed to help people.  While I was in the program we traveled a lot doing skits, human videos, monologues, and leading praise and worship at different churches.  We had to speak and teach sometimes too {teaches you how to completely rely on God to give you the words}.  One weekend we went to visit an orphanage.  This particular trip impacted my life more than I realized at the time.  I was praying with these beautiful young girls who were hurting, alone, they had no family but each other.  They had gotten in trouble and most had been put there by the state.  I felt God pulling at my heart that I was supposed to work with youth - particularly young girls.  I had so many questions - what happens to these kids after they leave the cottage?  What dreams do they have?  What do they want to do?  Who can help them get there?  My heart began to feel so burdened for them.  I didn't really say anything about it, but simply began to question and pray for God to reveal it to me. 

A couple weeks later, we were having drama practice which turned into a prayer meeting.  Pastor Brian walks in and starts praying and prophecying over each of us.  I wasn't praying or seeking anything in particular, I was simply in worship when he came to me.  He paused and said "there's so much fear over you, you're afraid that everything that happened in your past will come out in your future, but God says no.  He will restore and bless you.  Don't be afraid.... {he paused and just stared at me for minute}.  Then he says "I see little girls all around you.  They need you, they need to hear your testimony and what God has done in your life.  You will be a mentor and a teacher to them.  God is going to use you.  People will tell you that you can't do it, it's too hard... but God has called you to it and will work through you.  You already know this, I'm just confirming it." 

I saw this distinctly played out in my life this week.  I met with a young girl to talk and pray and I was blessed to watch God work that night in a sweet way.  I know God has amazing things in store for this young lady!  Once again, He was just confirming the calling He has on my life.  I don't exactly know what God has for the future but it's an exciting adventure!

I recently went to this week-long event called Big Stuf in Daytona, FL and it was awesome to see thousands of teenagers seeking God.  I loved watching them worship and it was great to sit down with them and talk afterwards - to hear their perspective on how they view the scripture and what they're learning.  {LOVED it}.  My absolute favorite day during the whole trip was when the Daraja Children's Choir came to sing.  When they announced it, I could not sit still!  My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest!  All week we had awesome worship and the musicians lead us into the presence of God.  I loved it {and hope God loved it too since He was the focus}, but I did not go down front to the mosh pit every time.... however for the children's choir I was front and center!  Why?  Because int he words of Whinnie the Pooh, "they make my heart bounce!" 

The Daraja Children's choir is from Kenya and they are beautiful, sweet orphans - they have been abandoned because their parents/family members have died due to sickness or war.  They dance and sing praises to God despite everything!  They are SO precious!  I {love} them!  My heart leaps just thinking about their joy, it's contagious!!!  In America, we are spoiled with getting things our way, so fast and easy.  We complain when our steak isn't cooked correctly or when our 100 channels of cable go out.  These children live in horrible conditions with little or no family to care for them.  There are 10 yr old little boys raising their 2 year old brothers and sisters because the parents have died.  Yet... they still sing!!!  They sing and dance before God!!!  {pictures coming soon}

My heart is burdened for children and teenagers alike.... I just want to help them realize how much potential they have and for them to know their gifts and talents.  I want them to dream big and give them hope!  I would love to help kids that are struggling and in bad home situations - just to help them and show them the love of Jesus.  I know I am supposed to disciple and teach them... so that they will teach others.

I feel like God is drawing me to Africa {NEVER thought I would say that}.  He is pulling my heart to help the orphans there.  I just don't know how it will all play out but I've already got a couple of connections to get involved with an organization called Cherish.  Guess what.... they need a photographer!!!  WoOooHooO!  So I will probably be traveling some next year {hopefully} and I hope to be at different orphanages around the world - anywhere from Africa to the Dominican Republic.  I will be assisting in any way possible and will taking lots of pics to get the word out so that people in the US realize how much help they really need.  Hopefully people will give to help the kids.   {just my prayer}

Oh How He Loves Us

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. " {Eph 3:17-21}


I went to this amazing worship service at church tonight.  I love singing worship songs and being in His presence.  The scripture above was read tonight and it really spoke to my heart.  God has been drawing me to Himself more - to know His heart and find joy in Him.  I feel so loved and blessed, yet this has to be one of the hardest times in my life.  I constantly feel Him drawing me closer and speaking to me.  This may seem weird to some {don't really care} but I feel as if He is leaning in kissing me on my cheek saying "know that you are loved."  {luvvv Him} 
 I share this because for so long I have held my own sin against myself... as if the cross didn't do anything.  I have walked in disobedience to something God spoke to my heart years ago.  I haven't been confident enough to trust Him and believe in His words, but I've let others influence me more than God.  I've allowed the negativity and belittling of others to take hold of me like a dead weight.  I know now that God's will is for me to walk courageously in His love and trust Him.      

Anxiety creeps in and attacks my spirit.  I worry about the future.... if my sin and disobedience have ruined what God had planned.  However... what if what I feel is God's plan is wrong, what if I'm wrong?   What if I've misread everything?  I have free will, I make poor choices and have walked in disobedience.  Have I ruined God's plan for my life? 


I thought I understood grace.  I thought I knew God's love for me and how to love others.  I am still learning so much.  I will never comprehend how much He really loves me.  God's grace is so undeserved, unconditional and beautiful.  I can not ruin God's plan, nor can you.   How could I even think that His grace was so insignificant that it can't cover my mistakes?  His love is so much stronger, deeper and more powerful than I can wrap my mind around.  


Oh How He Loves Us 
{John Mark McMillan}
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Chorus {repeated}

Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus  {repeated}

Preparation

"No, the kind of fasting I want calls you to free those who are wrongly imprisoned and to stop oppressing those who work for you. Treat them fairly and give them what they earn.  I want you to share your food with the hungry and to welcome poor wanderers into your homes. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind.  Then when you call, the LORD will answer.  'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply.  "Stop oppressing the helpless and stop making false accusations and spreading vicious rumors!  Feed the hungry and help those in trouble. 
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The LORD will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.  Your children will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as the people who rebuild their walls and cities." - Isaiah  58:6-12

I've been reading more on these verses and the way God was directing His people to fast.  He was teaching the people to fast so that it honored Him only.  They were fasting to "please themselves." Only with a pure heart can we selflessly serve and love others.   

There's a peace pouring over me like a heavy balm because I know God is at work, even though there have been many times lately where my flesh begins to feel anxious.  God has been speaking to me giving me clarity and guiding me.  I feel as if I am dying to myself... {SO hard} because I can be very stubborn, wanting my own way. 

In verse 10, it says that through the fast "your light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy too."  For so long, I have struggled wondering if God cares for me at all and through this time, I am realizing more how He wants me to grow and He desires good things for me.  He's not working against me, but He's longs to bless and help me grow to become to woman of God He created me to be.

What I never realized before is that His dreams for me are bigger and better than anything I could have imagined for myself!  This dying process is not easy at all.  It means He is molding me to His image.  He's taking a selfish, sinful pile of dirt and molding it into a beautiful vessel....  that's not easy. 

He is restoring everything that Satan has stolen from me.... confidence, joy, peace, my family, my future - my children, my husband, generations to come!  I see Him working and preparing me for something greater.... I've never felt this way before. {my hands are shaking just writing this} 

This very scripture and others that He has shown me are about praying {being intimate with Him}, fasting, and serving others, and through that comes healing and freedom.  Being intimate with God will change you and change your circumstances.  He works in your favor - whether you see it in that moment or not.  He is revealing to me how much freedom and joy come from serving and how fasting teaches us how to do that.  Fasting teaches us to be rid of our pride, our selfishness and to love as Christ loves.  It's really all about serving one another... and if you can't do that now as a single person, how can you do that when you're married?  Isn't that what marriage is about?  Loving and respecting someone is about serving them and to love them as Christ loves the church.  Yes... God is speaking to me a lot about marriage.  I never thought He would {not like this}.  When you have been hurt, it's just easier to close people off.  God isn't allowing me to do that anymore.  He's gently pushing my heart to move forward and walk in His promises.  I'm constantly hearing His voice and tug at my heart. 

"Be confident in the work I am doing.  Let Me lead."

He's healing me and restoring everything!  There's a sweet freedom that comes from walking in His promises.  He's constantly telling me to look forward and be confident in His promises.  God is fervently preparing me for something bigger.  It's so sweet to feel this intimate with God!  He gives me scriptures {love notes} about love and serving others.  I constantly find myself reading about words of kindness vs. words that are harsh, taking initiative and choosing to love.  Showing grace instead of criticism, being quick to forgive and slow to anger.  He's speaking to me about quality time {a lot}- to know Him deeper and spend time with Him.  One verse has constantly been on my heart in regards to love and serving others....  

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.  It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 

Oh... it's on.

At this time in my life, I have come to a significant realization.  I am starting to realize how much my life has truly been attacked by Satan because he has tried to prevent so many blessings in my life.  I've sat back and whined, been a wimp, no fighting back but I've laid there, feeling defeated and insignificant.  I've complained more than I've prayed.  I've laid down more than fighting for what I want.

I never realized how often I had allowed that to happen until now.... and now I am fighting back.

I refuse to give up, I refuse to feel defeated and run over.  I will fight for my blessings!  God is good, He longs to bless us, He wants to provide and take care of us, He wants to see us live in joy and peace!!!  Yes there will be trials but we have to walk through those with God, trusting that He knows best.

I have allowed Satan to steal my childhood!  I've allowed him to steal my joy, my courage, my family, my friends, attempting to steal my future, my future husband and children and generations to come!  I've seen him attack my self-esteem and steal my joy!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  {This is me on fire!!!!} 

He is like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour.  We forget that so often!  He may devour.  He doesn't do it unless we allow him to.  OMGosh!  The power that lives within us as believers enables us to fight back!    

I can not even describe to you how angry I am at Satan!!!  I hate him for the attacks on my life and my future!  I will fight back.  I will pray and watch God restore everything!  God will restore everything!  I will pray and see God work miracles and bring blessings and promises to pass without the hinderances that have been there before that I've struggled with for so freakin' long.

I have allowed him to steal my joy and my confidence, forgetting who I am in God and this has affected all my relationships!!!  Relationships with friends, with family, with men.  Everything he has tried to take from me, I'm taking back.

Ohhhh..... it's on.

Wait

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

 Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
 Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
 I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
 Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love              
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

I'm a Sprout!

Some of you know that these past couple years have been rough.  {this is not a whiney blog I promise} I have been in an environment where everything I say or do is looked down on.  I've been yelled at for some of the most ridiculous things. I've been told that I'm incompetent. I've had doors slammed in my face and papers jerked out of my hand.  I've dealt with constant belittling and verbal abuse.  It's been incredibly unhealthy and my self-esteem has taken a hit. This has affected all my relationships.

However, this is a new season and things are changing! I'm so excited! I am beyond thrilled to be moving forward in life!!!  :-) 

I have learned a lot from this person. One thing I've learned is to not allow someone's words to form my identity. Just because someone labels you as something doesn't mean that is who you are.  It's hard to overcome this when their words are drilled into you almost everyday.  I honestly had started to believe what they said about me, but their words really mean nothing other than proving their ignorance. 

Romans 8 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible because it talks about our identities in Christ. My identity comes from my Heavenly Father - who loves me, sent His Son to die for me and He calls me beloved, beautiful, His royal daughter.

During youth service a few weeks ago, I was knelt down praying and I found this scripture on a note lying on the floor, as soon as I read it, I thought this is exactly what God is doing right now.

"The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word.  I send it out, and it always produces fruit.  It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands!  Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.  Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up.  This miracle will bring great honor to the LORD's name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love." - Isaiah 55:10-13

This is a reminder of the promises of God - that He is faithful and good.  His word is never lacking in power, it never returns void and there is always a purpose.  Just because we may not see something happen when we think it should, doesn't mean that God is not working.  Why would God not want good things for us?  Why would He put me in a situation of verbal abuse?  Maybe because I worry about what people say, instead of placing my whole heart in Him and holding to His truth.

"Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up."

These last couple of years, I have felt as if I've literally had a thorn choking the life out of me.  Thorns keep plants from growing because they hinder them from getting the nutrients they need.  Flowers eventually become so weak, they can't bloom.  Then all you see is a dying, wimpy leaf lying on the ground, helpless, barely hanging on to its last breath.  What does the gardener do?  I've seen gardners have such a hard time with thorns, they actually have to use a bull-dozer to plow through them.  Sometimes a gardner is able to wear thick gloves and rip the thorns out by hand, but not always.  He may have to re-plant things in a new place so they can grow in a healthy enviroment.  It may take time to rebloom and it won't be easy, but the new soil will be healthy and allow the little flower to bloom.  So.... I'm a sprout!  :-) 

I'm so excited! I see new life, a new season! I see myself blooming! I feel as if I'm this tiny, little bulb breathing air for the first time in years! I see all my friends that have supported me as these beautiful mountains and hills surrounding me bursting into song, praising God for the work He's done!  The new people I am surrounded by have already shown themselves to be uplifting and encouraging, I see them as beautiful trees around me, helping me to grow.  I look up to them and I'm learning a lot already.

I prayed for God to rescue me and He did!  I feel as if He kept digging, cutting through briars and thorns, plowing His way through... fighting for me.  He found a new place to plant me where I can bloom and be restored.  The Lord has been speaking to me a lot about restoration.  Everything that the Lord restores is for His glory, for His kingdom, so that He will be known, but the restoration process is never easy.  Ohhh... the changes in my life that are about to come!  {tear. now}

David Guzik said in his commentary,
"The picture is clear; in His glorious work of restoration, God takes away the barren and the cursed, and brings forth beauty and fruit." 

"Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up. This miracle will bring great honor to the LORD's name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love...." - (myrtle- Hebrew, Hedes, from which comes Hedassah, the original name of Esther. Type of the Christian Church; for it is a lowly, though beautiful, fragrant, and evergreen shrub) Psalm 92:13-14.

This scripture had me thinking if I were a plant, what would I be?  There are so many scriptures that say things like "you will be as a tree...."  or "your mother was as a vine..."  So I am thinking what might I be seen as?  I can tell you what I think or hope to be seen as.... a calla lily. 

One of my favorite flowers is the calla lily.  They're beautiful! The calla lily is one of my favorites because it's beautiful and strong, unlike a daisy or dandelion that if you hit it the wrong way, all the petals fall off. The calla lily doesn't die easily, but it is sensitive to the cold. The stem is long and thick and the roots are strong. They are so elegant and beautiful! They bloom from a bulb so a gardner can actually dig up those bulbs and plant them, so that more will bloom - just because one calla lily bloomed.  {see where I'm going with this} They are sensitive to the frost and they have to have a balance between enough sunshine but just enough shade too. Ok, ok, so maybe I'm a little high maintenance.  :o)

I looked up the symbolic meaning of a calla lily {did not know this until now}, they symbolize a rebirth and restoration. Go figure! They also symbolize "magnificent beauty" and they are used a lot at weddings because of their elegant shape and symbol of new life. I feel as if I am being replanted to bloom and hopefully my little bulbs (testimony) can be used to bless other beautiful, strong calla lilies such as my lifegroup girls at church and I can see the next generation rise up.

Where you sit makes a Difference

How was your weekend?  Mine was wonderful!  I spent Friday being a complete goofball at game night with some friends and I made Snickerdoodles!  YUMMMMM.  I love to cook for people {weird, I know}.  I spent Saturday being productive {somewhat} by cleaning my room, lots of washing going on and I did yoga.  Friday was topped with a night of friends laughing and dancing!  Sunday I spent the day at church with Advance.  Advance is our awesome youth group and I had lunch with my fellow Advance volunteers!  They are amazingly wonderful!  They give so much of their time and energy to this ministry making a huge impact in the lives of students.  I {heart} Advance.  We had our monthly training huddle and lunch.  We had worship {Ahhh-mazing} and the sermon was awesome, then we went outside and had time for fellowship with the students.  I love my girls!  I have the bestest group ever!

In our huddle training on Sunday I was given a print out from the book Intimate Moments With A Savior by Ken Gire.  I must say... Lovvvve it!  At least the print out anyways.  The chapter we looked at was about Mary and Martha, and it was taken from Luke 10:38-42.  It was about the focus of our heart, being intimate with God and having the relationship He longs for with us.  Martha is hard at work in the kitchen preparing the meal for Jesus.  Jesus comes in from a long journey and Mary washes his feet.  Then she just sits at his feet while he tells of the disciples and the long journeys.  Martha is very busy, working hard and getting frustrated with Mary and Jesus.  Her words were "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!"  She accuses Mary of being lazy and she basically says that Jesus has no concern.  Jesus' response is kind, he says  "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."  What can not be taken away from her?  The time spent with him, the fellowship, the words of wisdom, the impact on her life of knowing who He is and how much he loves her.  Intimacy.  

Even as a woman, intimacy is hard for me.  I guess I've always thought women don't struggle with that as much as men do, so I feel like an odd ball. To really be vulnerable with someone and share everything, to talk for hours, pray for one another, to know details about each others life and share that life together - I want that so much but it's hard for me.  I need to be more vulnerable and open... how else will I ever be married?  Intimacy is kind of scary. At least I recognize that and can work through it.  I want to be more open and willing, I want to be a better listener.  Just learning to sit at his feet and listen to every word, letting it sink in and grip my heart.  I want to linger in prayer with him without thinking about what's next on my agenda.  I want my heart to change - to be devoted to him and love him more. 

I don't want to be like Martha but I know I am.  {Eeeee... admiting this on a blog}  I struggle with trying to get everything done that needs to be done.  I pack too many things into one day and run around like a crazy person.  I can be lazy on the weekends and sleep in on Saturdays... and I've watched myself go the whole day without really spending time with my Lord!  Why?  Why?  My focus is so off!  I hate this!  I'm frustrated with myself.  This scripture is convicting.  A little hard to swallow.  I know the story of Mary and Martha but it's been a while since I read it.  I admire Mary's tender heart and how she took time to sit with Jesus.  She just loved him and wanted to know him more.

"And what did Mary do?  All she did was sit.  It was where she sat that made the difference."


Prayer {from book} that I love

Dear Savior at whose feet I now sit,
When you knock on the door to my heart, what is it you are looking for?  What is it you want?  Is it not to come in to dine with me and I with you?   Is it not for fellowship? 
And yet, so often, where do you find me?  At your feet?  No.  In the kitchen.  How many times have I become distracted and left you there.... sitting... waiting.... longing? 
What is so important about my kitchen full of preparations that draws me away from you?  How can they seem so trivial now and yet so urgent when I'm caught up in them? 
Forgive me for being so much distracted by my preparations and so little attracted by your presence.  for being so diligent in my service and so negligent in my devotion.  For being so quick to my feet and so slow to yours. 
Help me understand that it is an intimate moment you seek from me, not an elaborate meal. 
Guard my heart this day from the many distractions that vie for my attention.  And help me to fix my eyes on you.  Not on my rank in the kingdom, as did the disciples.  Not on the finer points of theology, as did the scribes.  Not on the sins of others, as did the Pharisees.  Not on a place of worship, as did the woman at the well.  Not on the budget, as did Judas.  But on you. 
Bring me out of the kitchen, Lord.  Bid me come to your feet. And there may I thrill to sit and adore thee....

Easter Holiday weekend

I left work on Thursday with a feeling of excitement!  It was Easter holiday weekend and I was off work!  I was going to play softball!  Real softball!  For a church league!  Eeeee!  I haven't played since intramural sports in college!  Never been much of a ball player due to lack to arm power and severe clutziness but I was still allowed to play.  I was so excited!  I was doing ok - had some good hits, but my catching and throwing needs work.  It was near the end of practice and I went to catch a fly ball and I put both my glove and my bare hand out.  {Why? I do not know} The softball was flying through the air aiming for my glove and then it randomly decided, 'umm I don't like the looks of that glove, I'm going to hit that little hand right beside it!'  BAMMM!  My hand was hit by the evil softball.  Yeah, it hurt.  It swelled up like a blimp!  I put ice on it overnight and the next day I woke up to a still swollen, blue thumb.  Good Friday was spent running around trying to get errands done and trying to find a family practice open on Easter weekend.  It took me forever to get in touch with anyone, but I finally saw a NP.  She refused to wrap it and advised me to get an x-ray.  She sent me to probably the only family practice opened that day!  Lake Wylie Express Care was awesome.  They don't run like an urgent care so the co-pay is less!  They took an x-ray, found nothing broken but advised me to wear a brace to keep my thumb still because they could find hairline fractures that may not show up right away.  I am not to use my thumb.  Booooo!  Do you realize how much you use your thumb?  It seriously helps you do a lot!  I can't open a door or grab a drink, and it's tricky trying to wash my hair.  My hand-writing looks like chicken scratch. 

Lesson learned - Thumbs are great little phalanges to keep on hand {pun intended} so keep them safe {in a glove}.  Secondly, only use a glove to catch a softball... if they let you play again. 

The rest of my weekend involved visiting family - my Mamaw {mom's mom} who is still recooperating from hip replacement surgery {please pray for quick healing and her ability to walk better} and my other Mamaw {dad's mom} who I just got to hang out with in the kitchen a little bit.  She cooked an awesome dinner and I got to sneak a few bites before I left.  I got see everyone and catch up a little. 

The best part of my weekend was Sunday morning church.  The service was great, the message was taken from Romans 8.  {Love it!} Pastor said it was one of his favorite chapters in the Bible!  Mine too!  I love Romans 8.  It's so powerful, I actually printed it up months ago and taped it to my bathroom mirror. 

The sermon was about the resurrection and the new life we have only through Jesus Christ.  It was a wonderful reminder of God's power living within us as we walk in the Spirit, walking with Jesus Christ guiding us.  Dying to our old nature, our sinful self and becoming more like Jesus.  What if we all behaved like Christ everyday?  Christians are human, full of flaws and weaknesses and we make mistakes.  I fail miserably everyday but I know God loves me and cares for me.  Thank you for nailing my sins to the cross and the blood that you shed Jesus!  The sacrifice you made out of love for me was so pure and wonderful!  Your love is amazing!  Thank you for conquering hell, death and the grave that I may have a relationship with You!  That within itself is amazing!  The fact that because of His sacrifice, the veil in the temple split and we now have a pathway to talk with God, to know Him, to have fellowship with Him and enjoy Him.  Before then... only priests could talk with God.  lol!  Silly Catholics.  That's not needed anymore!  You're missing out!  I love Jesus!

Desert Song

This song has been on my heart for a while now.  I love to sing to God.  It's just my way to worship and adore Him.  It's called Desert Song and it's from Hillsong, sung by Brooke Frasier.  The words of it are very powerful.  That's why I love praise and worship so much - the words.  These amazing songwriters find ways to pour their hearts out with their words put to beautiful music. 

I've heard this song slow and I've heard it mid-tempo.  I like the mid-tempo for good reason.... it sounds like a battle song.  I feel like this is my song, my victory cry that I'm singing loud for all to hear - claiming victory because of who lives in me!  That I will overcome all these things that are trying to tear me apart, trying to destroy me.  I'm claiming and praising God for His kindness shown to me, for His provision! 



THIS is my battle song!  {Love it}

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

{CHORUS}
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

{BRIDGE}

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

God's Sovereign Will vs. Our Free Will

This is a blog I wrote months ago here and recently it keeps being brought up in multiple conversations - not by me, I promise.  Other people mention it and I chime in my thoughts on what  I've studied.  I believe this is important because it affects the way we view our relationship with God. I believe all of those that love God and seek Him would all agree that God is Sovereign. However, there are different views on what sovereignty really looks like.

Some believe that God is sovereign and in complete control of everything, even to the extent of what we say and do. In other words, they see God as a puppet master and we are His little puppets; He is in control of everything we say and do... even the sin we commit. They believe we have no say in what happens in our lives, because God is in complete control. An example of this would be a horrific situation like being hit by a drunk driver - they believe God conducted all of that happened in that horrific accident. {I do not believe this. It is by our own poor choices that things happen and we have consequences for those choices. We ask God for direction and wisdom, but we make the choice to follow Him or not. The drunk driver makes a sinful choice putting others at risk and there are consequences}.  

Others see God as Sovereign and believe He is a relational being who longs for us to know Him and love Him by our own free will. they believe He is all powerful. His sovereignty is in His character of ALL that God is - His power, His grace, His wisdom, His strength, and His glory, and His character - full of compassion, full of LOVE because He is LOVE - all that about God does not change.

Question is... is free will really free will? An old companion of mine argued that Numbers 23:19 is clear that God does not change. I questioned this scripture and wanted to look a little deeper - looking at the context of who is speaking, the history, and what they might be specifically referring to.

Numbers 23:19 “God is not a man that He should lie or change His mind…”

Numbers 22-23 is the story of Balaam and Balak and their plot to curse Israel. Balaam is known as an evil "rent-a-prophet."  Balaam was rash in his decisions, he loved money and God actually calls him perverse because he chooses to run toward evil trying to curse Israel out of greed despite multiple warnings from God. In chapter 22 we see Balak, king of the Moabites, hears that Balaam can put blessings and cursings on people and it will come to pass. Balak wants to put a curse over Israel so that the Moabites can defeat them in battle. In order to get Balaam to prophesy for you, you had to pay a service fee.

Balaam reminds me of a creepy, money-hungry, TV evangelist. We see that Balaam cares more about money than he does about God’s will. Balaam is approached by Balak’s men and he let’s them stay the night so he can pray about it. Pray about what? He’s praying whether or not it’s ok to curse God’s people. Seriously?! He may have a "gift" here, but he’s obviously not sincerely seeking God’s will.

In vs. 9-12, God warns Balaam to have nothing to do with these men. God tells Balaam “you shall not go with them, you shall not curse the people for they are blessed.”  God reminds Balaam that He has blessed Israel and the covenant cannot be broken, because God will not go back on His Word. Balaam goes back to the men and tells them “the Lord has refused to give me permission to go with you.” It’s like a kid saying “my dad says I can’t go, but I really want to.”  In other words, he can be persuaded and that’s exactly how the men took his answer because they actually went back to Balak with the message, then it says in the scripture that he specifically sent wealthier men to persuade him. Balaam entertains their offer a second time after God already told him no. Why is he doing this? Because this dude is greedy.

In vs. 20-21 we see God change his way by allowing Balaam to go with the men, but God was angry with him. God had just told him to have nothing to do with these men. Is this unfair? I don't think so. God already warned him, but he consistently rejected God’s answer (his choice). He kept pushing for the answer he wanted because of greed. Balaam has free will and he makes his own choices, as we all do, and this ties in with God’s permissible will. God wants him to have nothing to do with these men, but God changes His way as a reaction to Balaam’s poor choices and allows him to go, but God is angry with him.

Does this mean that God is going to break His covenant with Israel and allow this evil prophet to curse the nation? Absolutely not. God never breaks a promise/covenant, because He is Sovereign. He never goes against His Word. God’s character does not change; WHO God is does not change. His glory and His power do not change.... but God does change His mind or His decisions because out of His great love for us, He gave us free will and the chance to have a relationship with Him. I believe this is brought up multiple times throughout the Bible and it's wrong to look at only Numbers 23 and say 'God never changes His mind.' This is an evil prophet speaking and he is only referencing God's covenant with Israel in this particular scripture.

God's Response
When God changes his ways, it is always a response to His people - whether that be His response to a prayer, to our repentance or when He regretted making Saul king over Israel (1 Sam 15:35) because of Saul’s poor choices… God's response is a reaction. It’s not because God is indecisive, but more so because He loves us and He has given us the gift of free will. We make good and bad choices, we sin, we repent, we pray, we worship... God reacts to our choices. Even with our choices to sin and be disobedient, God may be angry with us, but He changes from anger to showing us compassion when we repent… and that is a change that does not contradict anything in scripture or of His character, but in fact, it only proves Him more true.

In vs. 22-27 we see that an angel of the Lord meets Balaam on the road as he is on his way to meet Balak. The angel has his sword drawn and ready to kill him, and the donkey freaks out because she sees the angel. Balaam loses his temper and beats her three times. God uses the donkey to speak to Balaam, but unfortunately Balaam won’t listen. In vs. 31-35 the angel has his sword drawn and tells Balaam "turn around and go back now because your way (choice) is perverse (running towards evil).”
Then Balaam says “if it displeases You, I will turn back.” IF? He’s questioning? He’s still hoping for the answer he wants to hear from God. Seriously dude? There’s an angel in front of you with a sword drawn ready to kill you and you’re questioning. Really? This dude is stubborn.

Again, God allows him to go but it says again,“God was angry with him.” He’s allowing Balaam to make the choice and fall to his own sin; he has already rejected God multiple times. From my reading, most theologians seem to agree this is judgement on Balaam unless he repents.

Now, Balaam meets Balak, king of the Moabites, and I’m thinking he was probably very excited to see him because he’s expecting Balaam to put a curse on Israel so he can win the battle. Balaam tells him “I will try but this is not in my hands, but in God’s hands” – as if to say, "if I fail, (which I’m thinking I will because God already said NO) I blame God.”

Balaam tries to curse Israel (evil punk) as he repeatedly goes back and forth trying to get a different answer from God so that he can finish the job he’s paid for. He bosses Balak around, he even gets Balak to build altars (at Balak’s expense, not his, although he does take credit for it). Where does he think he has this authority? God never told him to do that.

Sovereign Will vs. Permissible Will
Most theologians have agreed there is a difference in God’s permissible will and His sovereign/providential will. God’s sovereign will refers to things that happen no matter what - things that we can not change, and we don’t have to pray to make it happen because but God will do (has done) it regardless. This includes creation, the promise/covenant of a Savior - a fulfillment of Old Testament prophesies, God’s covenant with Israel and the covenant/promise of our Lord’s return and the new earth. This also includes His covenant/promise to love us, to be faithful, to hear our prayers...

God made a covenant with Israel and Balaam cannot break that. He cannot curse them because God has not cursed them.  However, God can and does use people to fulfill His sovereign will. For example, we see God use Mary to fulfill the promise of a Savior and we see Abraham used to fulfill the promise He made with Israel.

God’s permissible will refers to things such as who we choose to marry, our degrees, careers and the schools we attend… or when someone chooses to take a job to help a king kill off God’s chosen people. These are things we choose by our free will. We can choose to be like the great King Solomon and seek God's wisdom and ask Him to direct us in our decisions, but ultimately it’s our choices, our free will, and far too often it is our screw-ups.

The Puppet Master?
For those that say God never changes - to say that nothing about God changes, not His decisions, not His ways - it actually contradicts scripture (I'll come back to this). It breaks my heart to hear that someone believes that no matter what they pray, God already has his mind made up. So, why do you pray?

What kind of relationship is it if you don't have free will? Do you believe you are being controlled by a puppet master? Yes, even in your moments of sin, you believe God is controlling that sin too? If God is controlling your sin, that would contradict His holiness. 

Also, if you believe that God is a puppet master, then how is that true love? Think of it this way, if a husband goes up to his wife, shakes her saying "you will love me. I will make you love me. I will force you to love me. I will control you to love me."  That, my friends, is not true love. That is manipulation. True love is by choice. There's freedom in love.

I just hope those reading this understand that your prayers do touch the heart of God. He has given you the freedom to choose Him and to love Him.

Calvinists will not agree with this blog post and I don't understand their interpretation of the scriptures. For example, when Jesus teaches us to pray in faith, how do they interpret that? According to their interpretation, God has already decided everything. If He’s going to do it regardless, then their prayers don’t make any difference. According to their belief, their prayers don’t influence the heart of God at all. OMGosh! There’s so much that they’re missing out on with their heavenly Father! How sad it is to view God as only a Puppet Master with no emotion, no reaction, no feeling, that they can’t have true fellowship with Him. 

Some look at Numbers 23:19 and claim that God cannot change based on this scripture. I believe that with all scripture, we should look at the history in that chapter; look at the surrounding chapters. Look at who is speaking because we need to know specifically what they are talking about and if they are a man or woman of noble character. In this verse, I highly recommended looking at the surrounding issue and why this (evil) person is saying this (and how this angered the heart of God).

We know from reading the earlier chapters that Balaam is a money-lovin’, perverse rent-a-prophet who was hired to curse God’s people and he tries to multiple times. Numbers 23 begins with Balaam bossing Balak around, getting him to build altars as he is praying for God to curse Israel. In verse 19, Balaam is specifically talking to Balak about Israel.  He’s saying ‘I can’t curse them because God has not cursed them and God will not repent, change or break His covenant with them.'  God’s covenant is unbreakable, unlike ours, as we go against our words all the time.

IMPORTANT ** The Greek word used here for change or repent is nacham:  to relent, to have compassion on, to feel sorry for, to change or repent.  Here’s a good explanation for nacham and here is the original text. (This has to be one of the best sites I’ve found! It allows you to click on the word in question and pull up the definition based on the original text). God is not going to repent, change or be sorry that He has a covenant with Israel.

The Jamieson, Fausset, and Brown Bible commentary interprets Numbers 23:19 as, “The counsels and promises of God respecting Israel are unchangeable; and no attempt to prevail on Him to reverse them will succeed, as they may with a man.” If we try to use Numbers 23:19 to say that God never changes in anyway, then according to the original Greek word, nacham, that would be saying that God never has compassion, He never forgives and that He never relents. That would contradict everything in scripture! God changes as He reacts to us, but He will not change something that contradicts His word or breaks a promise, or that goes against His character and His sovereignty.


Exodus 32 - The prayer of Moses 

The same Greek word nacham is used in Exodus 32 as it is in Numbers 23. Do these scriptures contradict each other? No. Balaam was specifcially talking about God’s covenant with Israel. In Exodus 32, Moses’ prayer moved the heart of God and God relented, as He was moved from anger to compassion.  In Exodus 32, God is angry at the Israelites because of idolatry and sexual immorality and He tells Moses He will destroy the people and build a new nation through him – is this a threat to break His covenant? Absolutely not. The covenant would still be fulfilled because Moses was a seed of Abraham. Moses was a descendant of Levi, who was a descendant of Abraham. God would not be violating the covenant because it would still be fulfilled through a seed of Abraham. {Booyah!}

I believe Moses’ prayer is very important and one thing that stands out to me is that he prays for God’s glory to be known among the Egyptians. He was raised by Pharaoh, he grew up among the Egyptians, he cares about the people and he doesn’t want them to view God as this evil, horrible god who frees His people from slavery only to kill them later. He wants them to know God as loving and compassionate, and for the God of Israel to be great among the people. God changes (nacham) His decision as a reaction to Moses’ prayer.

Commentary on Exodus 32 ~ “God expresses the greatness of his just displeasure, after the manner of men who would have prayer of Moses could save them from ruin; thus he was a type of Christ, by whose mediation alone, God would reconcile the world to himself. Moses pleads God’s glory. The glorifying God’s name, as it ought to be our first petition, and it is so in the Lord’s prayer, so it ought to be our great plea. And God’s promises are to be our pleas in prayer; for what he has promised he is able to perform. See the power of prayer. In answer to the prayers of Moses, God showed his purpose of sparing the people, as he had before seemed determined on their destruction; which change of the outward discovery of his purpose, is called repenting of the evil.” Source)

** Here are some other scriptures to look at that mention God changing as a reaction to our decisions, He either relents, regrets or changes in His decisions:  Judges 2:18, Jeremiah 18:8, 26:13, Psalm 106:45, 1 Chronicles 21:15, 1 Samuel 15:1-35, and 2 Samuel 24:16.

A friend of mine sent me this passage from a book by Walter Kaiser, Hard Sayings of the Bible: 

Here in 1 Samuel 15:29 we have a clear statement about God’s truthfulness and unchanging character. But elsewhere in the Old Testament we read of God repenting or changing his mind. Does God change his mind? If so, does that discredit his truthfulness or his unchanging character? If not, what do these other Old Testament texts mean?


It can be affirmed from the start that God’s essence and character, his resolute determination to punish sin and to reward virtue, are unchanging (see Mal 3:6). These are absolute and unconditional affirmations that Scripture everywhere teaches. But this does not mean that all his promises and warnings are unconditional. Many turn on either an expressed or an implied condition.


The classic example of this conditional teaching is Jeremiah 18:7–10: “If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.”


This principle clearly states the condition underlying most of God’s promises and threats, even when it is not made explicit, as in the case of Jonah. Therefore, whenever God does not fulfill a promise or execute a threat that he has made, the explanation is obvious: in all of these cases, the change has not come in God, but in the individual or nation.
 Of course some of God’s promises are unconditional for they rest solely on his mercy and grace. These would be: his covenant with the seasons after Noah’s flood (Gen 8:22); his promise of salvation in the oft-repeated covenant to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and David; his promise of the new covenant; and his promise of the new heaven and the new earth.

So what, then, was the nature of the change in God that 1 Samuel 15:11 refers to when he says, “I am grieved that I have made Saul king, because he has turned away from me and has not carried out my instructions”? If God is unchangeable, why did he “repent” or “grieve over” the fact that he had made Saul king? God is not a frozen automaton who cannot respond to persons; he is a living person who can and does react to others as much, and more genuinely, than we do to each other. Thus the same word repent is used for two different concepts both in this passage and elsewhere in the Bible. One shows God’s responsiveness to individuals and the other shows his steadfastness to himself and to his thoughts and designs.

Thus the text affirms that God changed his actions toward Saul in order to remain true to his own character or essence. Repentance in God is not, as it is in us, an evidence of indecisiveness. It is rather a change in his method of responding to another person based on some change in the other individual. The change, then, was in Saul. The problem was with Saul’s partial obedience, his wayward heart and covetousness.

To assert that God is unchanging does not mean he cannot experience regret, grief and repentance. If unchangeableness meant transcendent detachment from people and events, God would pay an awful price for immutability. Instead, God enters into a relationship with mortal beings that demonstrates his willingness to respond to each person’s action within the ethical sphere of their obedience to his will.

When our sin or repentance changes our relationship with God, his changing responses to us no more affect his essential happiness or blessedness than Christ’s deity affected his ability to genuinely suffer on the cross for our sin.


Walter C. Kaiser, Jr., Ph.D., Hard Sayings of the Bible (Downers Grove, Il: InterVarsity, 1997, c1996), 209.

Thoughts?  Questions? 

The Pearl

“A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life.  It is the tear {that results} from the injury of the oyster.  The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life.  If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl.”  - Stephan Hoeller

We often refer to something or someone as a pearl when it is cherished, rare and valuable.  It makes sense to refer to someone you love as a pearl, but what if we changed that around?  What if we saw them {and ourselves} as the oyster and our hearts as the pearl?  Look closer at the oyster.  It really is beautiful, but it endures so much tormoil just to make something so valuable inside. 

Pearls from the sea are much more valuable than freshwater pearls.  Pearls form because the oyster has an invader, a microscopic parasite that enters in and settles in the shell.  The rim of the pearl shell is fragile and is prone to injury, it needs to protect itself.  Little creatures such as crabs and worms may invade the oyster and can injure the pearl, but this small group of cells/tissue find a way to protect themselves by forming a safe haven called a pearl sac.  A pearl sac is a group of cells that form a small packet for protection so that it can continue to grow, and as they grow, the pearl grows.  Over time, it moves and the pearl sac travels into the shell and a beautiful pearl will form and hopefully found by someone who will cherish it. 

I am trying to look at this a little differently.  I see myself as a small oyster in a big ocean, being attacked and struggling through difficult times, but my trust is placed in my Heavenly Father.  He is my safe haven, my fortress.  He sees me as valuable and cherishes me as a Father loves his daughter.  I have some close friends that have gone through unbearable struggles, having everything taken from them.... yet they still shine. 

They still have a luster about them that is rare and beautiful. 

I see them as strong, courageous oysters and their hearts are beautiful pearls.  The oyster may go through hard times, worms may try to destroy it, but when we hide our hearts in God, we find our safe haven.  Just like the pearl sac protects the pearl so that it can grow.  The pearl grows and becomes more beautiful over time.  Hopefully it is only found by someone who will cherish it and recognize it's worth.