It's not about me

You can be sure that I have heard the groans of the people of Israel, who are now slaves to the Egyptians. And I am well aware of my covenant with them.

“Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the Lord!’”

So Moses told the people of Israel what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery. Exodus 6:5 – 9

I have had my heart set on this scripture for a while, pondering it, and wrestling with why it seems significant to me. Why is God showing me this? There's so much depth to this scripture and i can only go into a portion of it now. One thing I see, one thing i finally get is...  I am an Israelite. 

The things of this world can enslave us and hold us down. I can be the negative, non-believing Israelite. I am His child. My Father God tells me His promises, He reassures me of His love, He tenderly speaks to my heart confirming His promises again and again, yet I walk in disbelief.

As it happened with the Israelites, sometimes the brutality of life can wear us down so much that we can’t see the next step. And we choose to become so distraught, we lose our hope.  

I have often thought that HOPE was about holding on tightly. Holding on with everything in me! Holding on with all my strength! It’s not. Hope is about letting go and letting the ONE who is perfect work it out and I just get to be me.

So, what is it that I’ve been missing? How does that scripture relate?  

Well, to put it quite frankly – it’s not about me.

Maybe you are like me in some ways. I’ve focused hard on ministry, work, my needs, my desires, my dreams, my feelings… And I forget who it is that is behind it all and what really matters. It’s not about me. It’s about HIM.

Those dreams, those desires, those passions are gifts from Him. I just need to trust.

In this scripture, God is telling Moses {Paraphrased}, ‘I’ve heard the cries of My people. They belong to Me. I see their struggle. I see their tears. I hear their prayers. They are not forgotten. They are not ignored. It’s just been a matter of time and the time has come. I will do a mighty work and they will know I am the Lord their God.’

More times than I’d like to admit, I’ve felt completely ignored by God. I have felt forgotten. I’ve wondered if He sees me at all. In the scriptures above, God reminds Moses of who He is. He repeatedly says,

‘I am the Lord.

I will free you…

I will redeem you…

I will rescue you…

I will claim you as My own…

I will.

Did you see that? I will… I will… It’s not about you. It’s not about me.

It’s about HIM.

So maybe we stop holding on to what we think our life is supposed to look like and let go. Have hope in the ONE who knows us inside-out, every detail of our being, every hair on our head, every wrinkle on our skin. Trust in the ONE whose ways are perfect.

He wants to do something so great and so wonderful that we can’t mistake that it is only by HIS hand.

Dwell on His truth. Take Him at His word. Read His truth continually so that His words become so engrained in your mind that you don’t give the enemy a foothold. 

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

The oppression of the enemy fights us, wearing us down. I have to remind myself of God's promises and rest in Him. I choose to focus on His truth and speak boldly against the fear of the enemy. I choose LOVE. I choose to let go and HOPE. I have a perfect, holy Creator God who loves me beyond my comprehension. And He works things out for the good of those that truly love Him. {Romans 8} I believe He will do things in such a way that there is no other explanation for His work, so that HE alone gets the glory.

He only asks me to seek Him first. Seek the kingdom of God first. And so, I let go.

It’s not about me.

Some things in life may seem impossible. Things may seem to never end. Maybe you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

There is. It is Him.

There’s so much more depth to this scripture and that will come later. I will let this soak in for now.  

Perfect love casts out fear

I have been spending a lot more time at the piano lately. I used to play a lot when I was a kid, for hours actually. I loved the sound that each note made and I was fascinated that the sounds could blend so beautifully with just a touch. And I would sing and sing and sing!

My life right now has been flipped around. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s hard. It’s very hard. For a while, I was failing to realize how much I allow fear to affect me. It’s a paralyzing fear aiming for perfection, being what people expect instead of, well… instead of me.

I go through phases where I’ll feel confident and secure and I’m truly being myself. It’s a wonderful feeling to be free and not care! I love it! I feel free, and wonderfully weird and loved! It’s beautiful! I laugh loud and I speak my mind. I fully love those around me and embrace them. I feel genuine and free! 

Then fear creeps in. Ugly, disruptive FEAR. It puts me at a stand-still. I want to leap and I can’t. I’m hindered and holding back. There are many things God has been showing me lately and one is this:

Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. Ephesians 6:12

Fear can control a lot when we let it. It hinders us, it hinders relationships... with people and with God Himself. It keeps us from taking that step toward what we truly want, it keeps us from fully loving others, it keeps us from embracing who we really are and who we’re created to be. This fear is not from God. I hate fear. I hate how the enemy works. I’m beginning to see his sneaky tactics. I hate how Satan creeps in slowly with fear without us even realizing what he’s doing… and before you know it, it’s too late! The fear is overwhelming. He infuriates me.

Today I was playing piano and I’ve been asked to play many times for people and I turn them down. I’ve been asked to sing and I turn them down. I just recently started playing for the children’s choir at church and it’s nerve-wracking for me. God has to truly cover me before I go up there! I worry about missing a note. I freak if I get off beat! It takes me forever to learn music. I feel like this horrible amateur who is trying to be better than what I really am. I’m trying so hard to not mess up!!

I like to go alone to play piano and sing. No one can hear (I don’t think). It’s my worship time. Sometimes I end up in tears, sometimes I end up swaying and singing, sometimes I don’t feel like playing worship and I play Broadway songs.

Today I tried again to learn more of the song I Am Not Alone, sung by Kari Jobe. I played it a few times with some struggle... ok, a lot of struggle. Then I heard this sweet whisper and God spoke to me,

Sing for Me. Just sing.

As Moses told God at the burning bush, I told God – I can’t do that. It’s hard to sing and play at the same time. I mess up a lot. I really mess up, like my hands can’t do it. My fingers get tangled and my voice shakes.

Then He said it again…

Just sing. I love for you to sing to Me. I never asked you to be perfect. I don’t care if you mess up.

You don’t need to be perfect. Just be you. I love your heart. Be you My daughter… just sing and play.

And so I played and sang. And there was peace and beauty in it. There was no fear. 

So, here I am learning to overcome fear. Learning that I have power to overcome this enemy of my soul. All this talk about fear reminds of one very powerful thing. Satan can do nothing without God’s permission. This fear will not overcome me. I know the God who wins every battle and that same God is fighting for me.

And it’s not the end.

BOLIVIA 2013!!!

Thank you so much for watching the video.  If you can please support us through prayer - praying for our team as we travel and work together.  If you are able to support me financially on the trip, that would be a wonderful blessing too.  Please make your checks payable to Matthews UMC and in the “memo” section indicate "July 2013 - Bolivia - Autumn."  Gifts to the church, with an expression of a preference for trip expenses, are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law.  If for some reason I an unable to participate in the trip, your gifts will be used to support this mission program.

Please know your support is very much appreciated.   You can send the check to the church office:

Matthews United Methodist Church
801 South Trade Street
Matthews, NC  28105

Attn:  Becky Stegall

Thank you so much for all your past support and your prayers as we continue we share the light into this darkened part of the world.
May God continue to bless you and your family now and always.

A huge thank you to Mr. Joshua Marshman for helping me make this video for support. You are amazing! 

Listening for God...

“On the other hand, the one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation.” 4 The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself, but the one who prophesies builds up the church. 5 Now I want you all to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless someone interprets, so that the church may be built up." ~ 1 Corinthians 14:3 – 5 

"What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up.  If any speak in a tongue, let there be only two or at most three, and each in turn, and let someone interpret.  But if there is no one to interpret, let each of them keep silent in church and speak to himself and to God.  Let two or three prophets speak, and let the others weigh what is said.  If a revelation is made to another sitting there, let the first be silent.  For you can all prophesy one by one, so that all may learn and all be encouraged, and the spirits of prophets are subject to prophets.  For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:26 – 32

These scriptures are meant to instruct the body of Christ on how to use the gifts God has equipped His church with. This has been heavy on my heart for a while– how are these gifts used in the church, and why aren’t all churches practicing these gifts?  These gifts of the Spirit are wonderful blessings when used properly. But still, there are so many questions... Why is it hard to hear God’s voice?  How do we know if we truly hear the Holy Spirit or not? What if it’s simply my own desires, my own random thoughts and things I want to see, so I speak it? 

I had a youth pastor once that explained it very simply when I asked why some churches didn't practice the spiritual gifts given to the church. Let’s say someone places a gift on your doorstep, it’s beautiful, it’s wrapped in bright colored paper and it’s FOR YOU. You can open it and learn about it/from it and use it, it could be a beautiful blessing. OR you can choose to leave it and someone else that’s interested can open it, OR the gift may just sit there and never benefit anyone. That is how the gifts of the Spirit are used and not used within different church bodies. Some believe and accept it, some don’t. No one is better or worse of a person for the decision, but some are more blessed.

The gift of prophecy is talked about as the most important because it is to be used to confirm, edify and encourage believers. Christ knew we’d struggle and have sufferings in this world; we need that encouragement and consolation from the Holy Spirit, The Comforter.

MISUSED

Prophecy is also one of the most misused gifts. The thing is that, as the passionate Christ followers that we are, we can be complete IDIOTS. I mean we can be really stupid sometimes. Throughout the Bible, people are constantly referred to as sheep. Sheep are not very smart, they can literally scare themselves to death. It’s quite disturbing. Far too many times, we walk in the flesh and not in the Spirit. We do things that are not right, things that don’t line up with scripture, we don’t always honor God, we tear each other apart, we are prideful and unkind, the list goes on! How Christ-like are we, really? 

Just because you love Jesus doesn't mean you are immune to falling to sin. It doesn't mean you can’t be lead astray and lead others astray as well.

Prophecy is an important gift because of how powerfully it influences people, a person with this gift should keep a mindset that is:

HUMBLE – be continuously humble in reverence for God, recognizing that you are absolutely nothing without Him. A sincere, humble heart bowing to God is important because it should never be you speaking, but God speaking through you. You only speak what He gives you and you test everything you think may or may not be Him because even you, YES YOU, can be wrong and cause confusion.  

For he knows how weak we are;

he remembers we are only dust. Psalm 103:14

CHRIST-CENTERED – God teaches all of us to be Christ-centered, and I believe that means to stay humble, teachable and usable in complete surrender to what God wants to say. Because this is so very influential, there is no room for mistakes. There are other sheep out there that are extremely vulnerable and believe whatever is thrown at them. They soak it up because “God’s name” is behind it.

 HOLD YOUR TONGUE

For Christ followers that are so passionate and eager to be used by God, the hardest thing can be to hold their tongue. Some unfortunate souls just don’t have a filter. :)  Sometimes, I can be one of them. 

One thing that has bothered me immensely for years is when some people very loosely use the words “the Lord wanted me to tell you….”  Wow. This bothers me because of the lack of reverence for God’s name, and the over-confidence some have feeling it’s OK to say something and put God’s name behind it. 

PLEASE think before you speak or before you take hold of whatever "prophecy" spoken to you. Please question and test what you feel like saying before you say it. How do you test it? {I’ll get to that in a minute}.

There are some passionate Christ followers who desperately want to be used by God, and they're passionate about it! But I can't help but think, that in their heart, (including my own) that at times we are not truly quiet (still) enough to hear the whisper of God. 

Right now, I could bring up 1 John 4 as it teaches us to test the spirits, but I feel like that is taking that scripture out of context. That scripture is referring to the anti-Christ. I’m not referring to the anti-Christ, but I am referring to Christians that make mistakes.

I'm referring to those practicing the gift of prophecy and to those who listen to it. We are human, we are emotional, and we are full of mistakes and sin. We forget how easily we are swayed by the evil one without even recognizing it. We can make mistakes. 

So even though you may love the Lord and recognize the gift of prophecy, still I beg you to test and question what you feel you should prophecy in God's name. You can be mistaken and what you are hearing may not be the voice of God, but it could be the evil one trying to stir confusion. 

Bottom line:  There is a continuous spiritual war between the flesh and the spirit (Ephesians 6). I believe that when we do not test the spirit, it is a mistake because Satan could just as easily speak too (1 John 4:1). And he does, whether we recognize it or not. Usually we don’t because he is extremely smart. Because he tempts us all, we are all easily led astray and even used by Satan. Again, we don’t always recognize this when it’s happening and that’s the problem.

The Big Question: So how do we know if it's the Holy Spirit or an evil spirit speaking especially if it comes from a fellow Christian? How do we test the spirit?

ALL of the gifts of the Holy Spirit are given to the body of Christ, His Church, to uplift, encourage, console and reaffirm.  Prophecies (or “God told me to tell you” statements} and the interpretation of tongues should NEVER cause confusion, fear, or doubt. If it causes confusion, it is NOT from the Lord. The scriptures clearly state what the gifts are meant for in 1 Corinthians 12 - 14.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

I have been very blessed in that the majority of the time when someone has come to me with a “word from God” it has been accurate. How do I know? It’s been uplifting and edifying, it lined up with scripture or it was a scripture, and most of the time it was God clearly confirming what He had already spoken to me. These are some wonderful examples:

§ In college, I was on a ministry team and one day, our lead pastor went to each team member praying over us. Pastor Brian was and still is a very prayerful man of God with the gift of prophecy. Sometimes he would speak things and didn’t even realize what he had just said - not because he’s foolish, but because it truly was not him speaking. He was in a complete surrender to God while God spoke… not him.

He knew what it meant to completely “let go and let God” and the Holy Spirit would speak through him. That evening, I remember being in a mindset being very open to whatever God had to say.  

I was praying a little bit about my future, but nothing was a particular focus. We had recently gone to a Children’s Home and I felt that working with children and youth was something that I wanted to do. I remember being surrounded by young girls and thinking ‘this is where God wants me, He wants me to help and minister to young girls.’  Pastor Brian did not know this. When he came to pray over me he said,

“You are so afraid of your future. You’re worried that everything that happened in your past will happen in your future. God says no. He has his hand upon you and you should not be afraid. He’s bringing you out of that, and your future will be blessed. {He paused and pointed circling his finger around me} “I see little girls all around you. These children, these girls, need to hear your testimony. They need to hear what you have to say. You will be a mentor to them and guide them, teaching them. God is going to use you…. People will tell you, you can’t do it, it's too hard. But God has called you. You already know this. I’m just confirming it.”

Of course I was crying like a baby! What he said lined up with scripture, it was a comfort to me, and he confirmed what God had already told me. And yes, that prophecy has come to pass.

§ One evening I was driving home from work and I was praying. I was praying from a broken heart. The guy I liked very much was interested in a friend, not me. I was crying so hard I could hardly see the road. I remember praying:  

“God, what are you doing?  Why?  How am I supposed to know who is for me and what You have?  What are you doing?!!!”  

I think I was mid-sentence and the Holy Spirit clearly spoke,

“He will chase you as I have chased you, and love you as I have loved you.”

Over the years, I have held onto this regarding my future husband. A few years after this happened, I was telling a friend about it and she questioned me. She said “Are you sure about that? Was that really God? Because I mean, how can a man love his wife like THAT? That’s some pretty strong love.”

This upset me and I started to doubt everything, but it didn't take long before I realized that what I had heard years ago was actually in total alignment with God’s Word. In Ephesians 5:25, it teaches us how a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. I did hear the Lord’s voice and it lined up perfectly with scripture. He is our Comforter and this was the encouragement I needed at a very low point in life. I will never forget that for as long as I live and I hold to that promise.

§ Back in 2005, I was having a hard time with a bully in my life. My self-esteem was at rock bottom and this was a time when I was feeling under constant attack. One night, I was in worship and I felt like the Holy Spirit was speaking

“Walk in the promises of God. Be confident; walk in His promises.”

Then maybe 30 seconds later, my friend Cassie walked all the way to the back of the church where I was and said to me, 

“Autumn, God wants you to walk in His promises. Walk in His promises.”

{Again, this lines up with scripture – 2 Corinthians 1:20}

§ A few months ago, I was confiding to my sweet friend Meredith. She’s a wonderful woman of God and I trust her wisdom and prayers. I was worried and fearful, struggling with a lot of emotions. She left my place and told me she would be praying for me. I started to clean up the kitchen and get ready for bed and I suddenly felt like the Holy Spirit was saying,

‘No matter what, He is sovereign. God is sovereign.’

I stopped just to send a text to Meredith to apologize for my rambling and my tears, sorry to unload on her and I thanked her for being so awesome. Then my phone beeped with a text and I thought, it’s her telling me God is sovereign, isn’t it? Well… this was her text:   

“You’re welcome. We (her and my roomie) are always here for you. I’m always here to listen. The Lord is mighty and sovereign. Have a good night.”

Why am I sharing all of this? I have been blessed with prophecies spoken and God confirming things many times. God does speak to us if we are quiet enough to listen. God does still speak just as He did with Moses and Abraham.  

Far too often, our busy minds are racing thinking about our own desires, how we think things should be, and how we think things should look. We don’t live in complete surrender and humbleness. Far too many times I've seen vulnerable people {sheep} get hurt because of false "the Lord says" statements. As eager as we are to serve and be used by God, we can become overly confident in our gifts and that arrogance hurts the body of Christ rather than helps.

Most Important to Take-Away from this: 

Always test the spirit… even if it comes from a Christ follower because people make mistakes. Whatever is said should line up with God’s Word {1 Corinthians 14}. If it's not encouraging, reaffirming, or meant to console the body of Christ, and if it doesn’t line up with scripture – it is not from the Lord. Satan attacks far too often even while using other believers to do so {as they are attacked themselves}.

THINK. 

T – Is it true? Does it line up with scripture? God’s Word is Truth, so if it doesn’t line up, it’s probably not God. If it contradicts God’s character or His Word, it’s not from Him.

H – Is it helpful? Are the words bringing clarity or confusion? God is not the god of confusion.

I – Is it inspiring? Does it encourage and inspire the other person? Does it bring life or death?

N- Is it necessary? What will come if you say what you’re about to say? Is it needed?

K – Is it kind? Do I need to clarify this?

Every situation where I felt/heard God speaking to my heart was always encouraging and confirmed through scripture. It often happened that God was using someone to just confirm what He had already spoken to me, but the person had no clue! I am very thankful for all God has done. 

God, I pray that whatever You may speak to me or through me, that I would be able to react with confidence because I know Your voice, but I also pray that I would be wise and test the spirit because I know I can easily be led astray. God, help me to think before I speak. I pray that the fear of the Lord would resonate within me so strongly that I am afraid to speak out of turn… let me have no doubt and let it be confirmed that it’s You instructing me. I pray that my heart would be pure for You Jesus.

Worship

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  We love because he first loved us."  ~ 1 John 4:16-19 

This scripture is pressing hard on my heart lately.  I can't even read it without my emotions taking over.  For those that know my personal story, which I cannot share on here out of respect to others, I struggle a lot lately with being confident in God's love for me.  

I gave my heart to God when I was 14.  I have read, studied, doubted, ask millions of questions, prayed, been in discipleship programs, involved in church youth group, involved in worship and teaching, etc.  I know about the cross and Christ giving his life for me; I've heard this for years, felt like I understood it, and found myself loving Him more because of His love for me.... then my world gets flipped upside-down and I'm wrestling with this now more than ever.  

It may be wrong to make such a statement as a Christian, as a minister, but I'm being honest, and completely vulnerable... no one really reads this anyways.  :o)  I don't want my faith to waver, but it's hard to look to God like I once did.  I am grieving a great loss. Before the loss of someone I cared so much for, I felt more confident in God.  Now, my heart feels unsure. Someone I should have known much earlier in life, but because of other people's choices, I was kept from this person.

It's hard to worship now. I really try to worship and I hope God sees that and has compassion on me.  I used to be one of the people singing in worship with all of my heart; it came from the deepest part of me. I even used to help with praise and worship music.... but now it's hard to raise my hands.

I want that passion back, I want to feel differently and reach for God with all my heart! I wish I wasn't hesitant. I wish I felt more confident in God's love for me. All I know to do is to try and keep praying and seeking Him, maybe He is teaching me something through this.

I went to the sanctuary yesterday to play the piano.  I used to play a lot.  Always was a natural at it. As I sat down to play in this dark, completely empty sanctuary, I realized there aren't many songs I know by heart.... so I played from my heart as best I could.  Sometimes when I play, I get carried away in worship... as I did this time.  So I played...

This is the air I breathe

This is the air I breathe

Your holy presence

Living in me

This is my daily bread

This is my daily bread

Your very Word

Spoken to me

And I---- I'm desperate for You

And I---- I'm lost without You

It was definitely the deepest part of my heart crying out as I played. I know God sees that.  I pray it is pleasing and moves His heart.

Love, Valentines Day, and a Book

I have a favorite book that isn't talked about very much, at least not amongst people I know.  The book that I'm loving right now is When God Pursues A Woman's Heart.  I'm re-reading it, and only in the beginning of it but already being reminded why I loved it so much the first time I read it. 

This time of year we have a made-up holiday called Valentine's Day.  It's where you take your significant other to some fancy restaurant and buy them a fancy dinner and an over-priced bouquet of roses to impress them.

The truth is a wonderful man of God should come along and take me to a nice restaurant and then to Coldstone Creamery {don't forget the Lactaid}.  Or to Ritas for ice-Italian icecream!  YUM!  :o)  Or something even more wonderfully unique like a random road trip somewhere beautiful, maybe have some crazy fun with a zip-line, or maybe ski together {I need practice first}!  There's lots of unique fun things to do on Valentines Day... maybe someone will read this and take me?  Oh I do love to dream!  I don't have a date and I'm totally making this stuff up just being funny... but it does seem like a great plan, doesn't it?!  :o)  It would be lovely to have the companionship of someone, to spend time just enjoying one another over a nice dinner.

So, the book I'm reading talks about LOVE and being loved by our Creator.  This book makes me think about how God delights so much in His creation - His children and how He loves us more than we can comprehend.... and how He delights so much in us - beautiful women.  There's so much joy He gets knowing us, seeing our hearts, our sensitivity, our laughter, and all the characteristics that make us women.  As I read, I think about how the relationship between man and woman is truly beautiful and unique, and God takes great joy in that too!  But I also think about the relationship between woman and her Creator.  I think about how God sees me as a woman, how different His delight is for me, than for anyone else.  He uniquely created me and you, and we bring Him joy. 

I think about the many times when I don't seek Him, when I forget to pray, when I'm lazy and don't feel like talking with Him, when I am tempted to walk away from my faith in Him {yes this happens} and I realize how heartbroken He is for me in those moments and how His compassion reaches out.  God understands the tears, He sees my pain and weeps with me.  I realize how this relationship I have with God is not something to take lightly, but He is a jealous God who will not let go.  This is a relationship He fights for, winning my heart again and again. 

In the beginning of the book, it talks a lot about the Garden of Eden and how Eve walked with God... then the fall to sin came and their relationship changed drastically.  It became harder to commune with Him because of sin.  Not only do we still feel that heartbreak and we have that longing in us to want to be with Him.... but imagine how He feels.  I forget about that.  He is a jealous God.  Loving us unconditionally, faithfully, and without waver.  Imagine how He felt to not have that intimate communion with Eve anymore.  I think it broke His heart, more than it did Eve. 

It's a great book, I highly recommend it for any woman.  If you don't have a date for Valentine's Day, go to a bookstore or alibris.com and get this book.  :o) 

It feels good to at least began to understand the love and desire God truly has for me.  Have a great Valentine's Day, with or without a date!

giving up

I think there is the good kind of giving up and the bad kind of giving up. 

I am hopefully "giving up" in a good way.  I'm tired of hoping and praying for this idiot of a guy to pursue me.  If it's been this long {SO FREAKIN' LONG} and he hasn't stepped up.... then he's just out of luck... and a chicken might I add.  And I do mean HE is out of luck and it's his loss.  I deserve better. 

I want more... someone who knows what he's got, realizes that I am a woman of God - wonderful, beautiful and worth more than any other woman he's known. 

I pray for a man that pursues me and loves me, who has a heart that loves God and prays about who God wants him to be - a leader, a man of integrity and strength... and we can center our relationship around God. 

Someone I have fun with and laugh with... even if my loud laugh embarrasses him a little.  Someone who is silly and playful with me.... but in our moments of weakness and tears can be vulnerable and speak our minds, and we can be there for each other. 

Ohhhhh.... at times i feel like i'm in a dream world.  Maybe I should stick with kissing frogs instead?  :o) 

calling

I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I love my job.  It is ministry and it's wonderful, i work with amazing, talented people and i feel incredibly blessed to be there.  I literally got everything I prayed for.  


What most people don't know is a deeper longing that God has placed uniquely on my heart, and burdened me to the point of hurting.  My love is children and youth - to see them learning about God, to see families come together and watch them grow.  It makes me smile!  I love watching moms and dads teach the classes and to watch the children grasp the lessons.  I love the children and the youth that I work with - to see them becoming disciples and growing in their faith.  It's an extra bonus when I see the older children guiding the younger.  Eeeeeeeee!  :o)


In the middle of this love for them.... my heart breaks for orphans.  I have a burden for orphans that makes me weep.  I want to help, to provide for them, to take care of them somehow, and to help them know Christ and be disciples, for them to know they are loved!  I want them to know they are loved!  They are not abandoned, God cherishes them and loves them more than anything!  It breaks my heart to know they have no mom and dad because of war, disease, and starvation.  I hate it.... it is heartbreaking to hear their stories of watching their mom raped and killed by soldiers.  I just can't... it breaks my heart.


My heart is anxious to see what God has planned.  I don't know the "how"or the "where" and as I feel this constant need to be in control.... it bothers me immensely.  I don't feel called to be a full-time missionary, I love working here and I feel like the work I do here will be taken outside the church... hopefully across the world.  I just don't know where.  I already feel Uganda calling me and feel like I will be there within the next few years. Maybe Kenya too?  Dominican again?  Brazil?  Local children's homes in NC?


I'm trying to let go, to trust that God has a plan and he is at work even now.  At my job, I write/edit curriculum for Sunday school, plan VBS along-side some amazing volunteers, I act like a fool on stage during a family worship time for the kids to learn a Bible lesson, I organize presentations, meetings and newsletters and I am constantly editing!  And i love it all.  It will all be worth it when it's taken across the world one day.


I am anxious to see how all this will pan out.  I also worry about other random things.... these desires I have to get married and start my own family.  What happens to that?  Should I forget it?  How can I when it's so deep?  What happens to these desires?  Part of God's plan or only mine?  How does all that fit together?


I am human.  I am a woman.  I am 31 years old.  I am broken.  I am willing.


So... I just have to wait.  

challenging quotes

“God beckons storm clouds, and they come. He tells the wind to blow and the rain to fall, and they obey immediately. He speaks to the mountains, ‘You go there,’ and he says to the seas, ‘You stop here,’ and they do it. Everything in all creation responds in obedience to the Creator…until we get to you and me. We have the audacity to look God in the face and say, ‘No.’ ” –Radical

 

“For the next few minutes, he described how he was selling his large house and had decided to give away many of his other possessions. He talked about the needs he wanted to invest his resources in for the glory of Christ. Then he looked at me through tears in his eyes and said, ‘I wonder at some points if I’m being irresponsible or unwise. But then I realize there is never going to come a day when I stand before God and he looks at me and says, ‘I wish you would have kept more for yourself.’ “ –Radical

Any thoughts? 

one day...

Wait for the man who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical.  
Wait for the man who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you.  
Wait for the man who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile.  
Wait for the man who praises God for you, and encourages you daily in your walk, and most importantly, 
wait for the man who is more in love with God than you.

{i'm a little iffy on the whole "drop everything to be with me part but the rest is true}

Psalm 146: 5 -6 

but happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, 
whose hope is in the LORD their God.  

He is the one who made heaven and earth, 

the sea and everything in them.  

He is the one who keeps every promise forever.  

{promises}

I believe the holidays are getting to me.  This oh-so-obvious state of being single at Christmas is my latest struggle... as it is for many others.  {I just hate admitting it}.  The funny thing is that even through this struggle, I feel God reminding me of His promises a little bit everyday.

Today I was driving to my mom's house and I was reminded of a sweet word spoken to me years ago.   I was driving home from work and I was crying.  The story is that I liked this guy and he liked someone else.  She was incredibly talented and beautiful, and just the fact that he didn't like me made me feel that I was not those things.  I felt rejected.  My prayer wasn't really any words but more of a groaning really. {quite pathetic I know}  I do remember praying that God would bless me with a husband and that if this guy was not what was best for me, that He would bring someone else.  Then in a moment, my whole perspective changed.  I heard this sweet whisper.  It was one of those moments where you know it's not you, you just know that it's God...

"He will chase you as I have chased you and love you as I have loved you."  

I immediately felt at peace.  It gave me joy knowing that He cared about this heartbreak.  To know that God wasn't ignoring my pain, but was compassionate and spoke encouragement to me.  Weeks later, I began to doubt and wondered if that was really God speaking... did it even line up with the Word?  I found that in Ephesians 5, Paul talks about how we, as believers, should live our lives in wisdom and love for others.  He goes on to talk about the unity of husband and wife and how the marriage covenant should honor God.  

"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church.  He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.  Instead, she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.  For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.   No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church.  And we are his body."  

It still amazes me that God cares about this part of my life.  That may sound silly to some, but for so long I felt like this part of my life was oblivious to Him.  I love knowing that God desires for me to pursued and loved by my husband.  He longs for me to be protected and cherished... as He already protects, cherishes and loves me as His bride.  I love how He wants me to love and respect my husband, to pray and care for him.  This gives me joy in knowing He will bless my marriage!  

As a young girl, I never wanted to get married.  Are you shocked?  Most people are when I tell them that.  I just never thought any good could come of getting married because of my parents.  As a young teenager, I came to know a wonderful youth pastor and his wife that showed me how a godly marriage should be.  They argued occasionally {in a healthy way of course} but more than anything I saw their love for one another.  They were affectionate and loving, they spoke with kindness and respect.  {something I never saw at home} I am SO thankful for them!  They made me believe that marriage can be a good thing.  I still struggled with this fear through my early twenties, but I began to see more and more marriages come together that honored God.  As I've grown in my faith, God's promises to me are more real everyday.  Unfortunately I am fought in this area more than any other part of my life.  Satan attacks me so much and I become discouraged... I believe He attacks more because he is aware of the blessing that is to come in my life.   I believe God has bigger plans for me than what I plan for myself!  I believe He is a loving Heavenly Father who only longs to give me good things.   {THAT} has taken me years to believe!  I believe part of his plan is to bless me with a husband, a family and a home that glorifies Him!  As a close friend once said.... "You were created for Him."  It really is all about Him, His timing, His plan.... so that He is glorified.   It's not about me.  

In regards to the guy that I liked back in the day.... thank you Jesus that I never dated him!  hahaha!  And because this is my blog and I am not naming any names I can say he was {at least back then} quite a coward, a gossip, and more of a follower than a leader.   I guess God knew what he was doing after all because I would have a hard time respecting a man like that.  

{provision}

Luke 12:27 - 32 
"Look at the lilies and how they grow.  They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?  You have so little faith!  And don't worry about food - what to eat and drink.  Don't worry whether God will provide it for you.  These things dominate the thoughts of most people, but your Father already knows your needs.  He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.  So don't be afraid, little flock.  For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom."  


I must tell of God's provision and goodness in my life!  I had an extremely hard time writing a tithing check in November for many, many reasons.  I have questioned tithing but the more I read, the more I believe it's something God asks of us as believers.  I was worried about my bills and rent.  I was sitting in church and prayed that God would provide financially, help me get out of my current lease and provide for me a place to stay within a week {as I was planning to move in 7 days}.  I wrote the check and prayed that God would be faithful.... as He always is.

5 hours later.... a girl from church asked me if I needed a place to stay while my life adjusts for a bit.  Booyah!!!

i {LOVE} it when God provides!

Oh and btw - I owe nothing on my lease.  Go God!

... and I have a job starting in January.  :o)

Excuse me while I soar

Fear - it's a dirty 4-letter word.  Why should I fear at all?  Where did I get it from?  I believe Satan sees these struggles within us and once he knows how to attack, his goal is to destroy us.  Our fears, if we allow them to, can make us stagnant in our walk with God.  Our fears trap us and keep us from going forward.  Fear affects our witness and the work that we do for the kingdom.  No wonder Satan feeds off of this! 

These past few years, my biggest struggle has been the big question... who am I?  I have worried way too much about what people think.  Fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear of getting hurt.  Too afraid to be myself and say what I feel.  I struggle with not having enough courage and I foolishly put my identity in who people say I am.

{short version of a long story that eventually healed over} A few years ago, there was a young woman that came into my life.  She was a new Christian, struggling with her own insecurities.  I don't think I've ever had anyone be so spiteful in my entire life.  I was around her at least every other week for two years.  I allowed her to belittle me.   It was as if she was stabbing me with a dagger with each word and I never stood up for myself, so I might as well been handing her the darn thing!  One summer we had an all girls vacation and I was upset at something she said.  We came back to the hotel to get ready for our girls night out.  I got in the shower and began to cry.  I could barely catch my breath.  I felt completely rejected and really... unloved.  Then the Lord spoke to me so clearly, I'll never forget it.  He said, 

"My royal daughter, walk with your head raised." 

Notice He didn't say, 'you fearful, little girl.'  Not 'you silly little girl.'  He said, "My royal daughter."  As if He were reminding me of who I am in Him. 

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."  - 1 Peter 2:9

Satan has used people to attack my confidence - non-believers and Christians just the same.  Everyone is facing their own battle.  When Christians let their guard down, they began to walk in the flesh and not the spirit.  Unfortunately I fail miserably everyday.  We don't mean to hurt others but we do.  As far as I can tell, my primary love language is words of affirmation and the other might be acts of service.  When there's someone telling me I'm inadequate, incompetent or not good enough, it cuts really deep.  Positive words can encourage me in a moment and give me confidence.  Positive or negative, I absorb it like a sponge.  I've allowed their opinions to attack my identity and hinder my walk with God.  Negativity eats away at me until my walk becomes a limp and I'm paralyzed with fear.  Fear to not be myself.  Fear that I will always say or do the wrong thing.  I've allowed it to steal my joy. 

Now... I am choosing to ignore those words, rise above their ignorance, and trying to pray for those that hurt me.  {Even if my flesh wants to knock them upside the head}.  I am choosing to soar above them.  My confidence should never be placed in the hands of anyone other than my Lord.  My confidence is in Him alone, for He is my hope and salvation.  My rock and my fortress!  {Psalm 62}

"So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family – calling him "Father, dear Father." - Romans 8:15 NLT

{I freakin' love this scripture!}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There will always be people in my life that try to tear me down.  This is a daily battle I face at work everyday.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of making a mistake - like typing notes using round bullet points when she wanted square.  It sets her off telling me I'm incompetent and she should have done the job herself.  You think I'm kidding?  I seriously need a tape-recorder.  I walk on eggshells everyday.  It's not healthy for me.  Why has God put me there, you ask?   Oh the lesson I have learned!  It's all about my identity and knowing who I am in Him!  A lesson of confidence in being a child of God.  Wow, the revelation of it all!  THAT my dear friends is what God is doing in my life right now.  Ultimately this is my choice.  There will always be people like that, but I can choose to not let their words define me.  I could continue to let it form my identity, but that would mean that I am foolish enough to believe their lies and ignorance.  I can choose to not forgive and be bitter, but where would that get me? 

I'm learning to rise above.  Ohhh the FREEDOM!!!  I feel like a bird that has just left the nest for the first time!  I might fall hard but I'd miss the adventure of learning to fly. 

I am a woman of God, a beautiful, cherished daughter of a King, wholeheartedly loved by my Heavenly Father!  Fear has no place in that love.... so I choose to soar! 

{makes me heart melt a little}  

Dominican Republic = less of me

I love the Dominican Republic and I want to go back! We got back last Sunday, Valentines Day and I took Monday off. My stomach was upset and I literally slept all day. Mr. Bathroom became my best friend. I had no appetite, but eventually ate oatmeal. I didn't want anything at first, then I found myself craving fresh pineapple. They have delicious fresh fruit. Mmmmmm. :o) I’m still having trouble drinking sweet tea again. SO weird! I mean, I’m a southerner! Hello! This should not be a problem. They have this tea in the DR, Ahh-Mazing! Kind of like an apple-cinnamon tea, very strong and oh so good. And the hot chocolate... oh how I love thee! It is nothing like American hot chocolate. Silly Americans - we have water with some powder - what were we thinkin'?

I am still processing everything from being in the Dominican but I have to say, it has changed my heart.  I am much more aware of what it really means to die to myself.  I want to give more, love more and pray more that people know God and love Him. This trip was an amazing experience - kind of like having spiritual open heart surgery... that you are awake for... with a lot of people you barely know watching.  It made me examine my heart, dig a little deeper and really {want} to change. I want to know what it means to be Christ to those around me and die to my selfish ways. It's not an overnight change, but a daily battle I am more aware of.

Before the trip, I was reading Proverbs 31 and I taped it up in my bathroom, just because. I've read this scripture a million times. I didn't give it too much thought. Now I see that God laid that on my heart to redesign my heart. He has been pursuing me and molding me to become the woman He wants me to be. The Proverbs 31 woman is hard-working, never lazy, she’s wise and seeks God above all things. She is prayerful, faithful, energetic and strong, a woman of integrity and grace. I want to be this woman… what God desires me to be. And that means dying to myself.

God was calling me to fast before the trip - for the team and for the Dominicans.  I feel like there was more to the fasting than what I realized at that time.  He kept speaking to me, "It's not about you, it's about ME."  I was thinking, this is about being dependent on Him because this will be a hard trip. Well... that was only part of it.  I think my heart needed one of those shocks that you get when on the operating table... kind of how I felt. (Not that thats ever happened but I'm just saying).  Learning to die to myself and be rid of my selfishness is the biggest thing I've taken away from this trip.  Recognizing that I shouldn't complain but be grateful, learning to give freely to others, to love others {unselfishly} and count it all joy! I’m {learning} to rest and take joy in knowing I am loved and cherished by GOD!  Joy in knowing that He cares for me, so there's no need to complain or be discouraged but to count it all joy.  My struggles won't go away, in fact when I came back from the trip they almost seem worse, but my reaction to it can change.

I'm thankful for God's provision in my life.  I'm thankful to have a hot shower and a bed! I {heart} my bed. And my pillow... not just any pillow. I have a fancy-smansy memory foam pillow that helps me sleep... oh I missed that little guy! I’m blessed to take showers without fear of getting sick from parasites, yet burdened to pray for the people that get sick from that water every day. I pray for their health and protection, for their families and children. I'm grateful to sleep comfortably with a roof over my head, with no fear of sleeping with a mouse or a roach. {totally serious here} I am grateful to not be sleeping on an air mattress that hurts my back and wake up at 2am with a roach on me. I don't like any bug really, but the worst of them all is a rrrroach. {I even hate the word} I wanted to scream but I knew I'd wake everyone up, so I tried to remain calm.  At 2:00am.  After it crawled on my leg.  In my sheets.  Ewwww. That little guy wanted to sleep with me and I was like... No sir! You better back off! Take your six little legs and scurry out of my sheets!  The thing is, people live in far worse conditions... a lot worse than just worrying if a stupid roach is on you or not. I really am blessed! There are so many things we take forgranted everyday... heat and A/C, electricity, a bed, a shower, clean water, medicine! And did you know that gas in DR is $22 a gallon? Yeah. No kidding.

When people ask me how was my trip... I don't quite know what to say. It was really good, but it was also very convicting, which is hard.  Learning to die to myself, to get past my selfishness, to be continually mindful and prayful, to love others and show them the love of Christ... that's a lot to take in.  I didn't really feel like myself. Everyday I was adjusting to new surroundings, the culture {which I love} and my teammates.  I constantly felt awkward and out of place, although I know I was right where God wanted me. Unfortunately in the moments of my weakness, my struggles came forth and I hate it when my flesh gets in the way.  Arrrg.  Dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy.  We lived in a constant state of be ready for anything, adapt quickly and be {continually} prayerful. Taking all this home really changes you.  I was with this amazing team {the dangerous team} that I barely knew before the trip and most of them all knew each other fairly well... except for me. I love my team very much, but there was this constant battle in my spirit of feeling like the odd-ball, but I know that I was right where God wanted me {for such a time as this}. There was a peace about the trip, knowing God was orchestrating everything as it should be. As the week went on, I got more comfortable with everyone.  It was a joy to be around them and it was a lot of fun. Our daily devotionals were great. I loved the words of wisdom and hearing the personal stories.

Lots of great stories - getting a GAzillion bars of soap to give away at the clinic, having devotionals with a hen that was nesting beside me in a flower pot, the goat that chased me, when I got electrocuted in the van, and the best one yet - when I rode the mo-ped to the dental clinic. That's right! Yahoo! And let's not forget the party in the bathroom with our team leader jumping up and down while we're all crammed in there brushing our teeth. That makes me happy. I was with a lot of morning people... you know the kind I'm talking about. :-)

One of my favorite memories is the look on the kids faces when we gave them a jump rope. A jump rope. They were ecstatic! I remember giving the kids stickers and twirling tops, they were so happy! I will always remember that. I absolutely LOVED the Dominicans. I loved talking with them and playing with the kids.  Taking blood pressure was my favorite because I got to greet them and talk with them. I loved seeing them smile. I just {LOVED} to see them smile, especially the kids.  I got to do a little bit of everything - blood pressure, pharmacy and dental. I liked the pharmacy because of the fast pace and I felt like I was helpful (for the most part).  I think I just really liked being around more people and working so closely with my teammates.  I really liked the dental clinic only because it was held in a school and I got to hang out with the kids!  Yay! 

I love my new Dominican doctor friends!  I loved playing UNO with them!  I really got attached to Rosemary, Julia and Ajakhah. They were so much fun to hang out with.  I especially miss Rosemary... there was a special bond with her and I would {love} to keep in touch somehow.  I miss Pastor Mario, Hairal, and Washington! The staff at the house was so good to us, they were precious!  I miss their sweetness, I just want to go hug them one more time.  I miss my Dominican friends, can't wait to go back.