My Healing

“Perfect love casts our all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” 1 John 4:18

 “Put away all harsh words, all evil thinking… and forgive as Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:31 – 32

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16 – 21

So many scriptures on my mind lately. This week, I’ve been digging through Ephesians 2 – 4 and some of Genesis 22 to read about Abraham and his complete trust and surrender to God. It’s encouraging to read about this great man of faith; he KNEW God would do all that He promised. He always fulfills His promises.

This has been a hard year… it’s honestly been a hard for a while. A lot of heartbreak in relationships, friendships, and family.

Over the past few years, I have changed quite a bit, in some good ways, and not so good ways. {But better days ahead}. To briefly share and yet not dwell on things - I’ve had more bullies in my life more as an adult than as a child. Abusive home as a kid. I worked in a verbally abusive environment a few years ago, and before that I was constantly in interaction with this girl who was a bully within my close group of friends. I’ve been in relationship after relationship with men/men-who-aren’t-really-men-and-act-like-boys. Men who are careless with my heart. Constantly getting my heart broken and feeling I’m just not quite good enough. Almost… but not quite. Led on in relationships where they really wanted someone else.

My family life is not healthy. I struggle with a desire to spend more time with those I love so very much, yet we constantly butt heads. And I still feel like I should try because they’re family and I love them. It’s just hard to have a conversation with someone whose normal speaking volume is so loud I need earplugs. I disagree with lifestyles and decisions and it makes no difference. Marriages within my family are struggling, people are hurting, and all I can do is pray. I don’t have the answers. It’s heartbreaking.

Wow. Being very vulnerable on here. Bet you didn’t know all this, huh? 

And over time…. Oh time. Dear time, you pass by so quickly and as life gets busy, my wounds are left unattended. Anger builds up. I run when I’m hurt. I don’t know what to say, so I run. Yes, I think I’m good. No worries here. I think I’m healthy and all is well. And I truly have been "ok."

But why can’t I be more than just ok? Why can’t I be really good? And healthy and at peace? 

In reality, I’m wounded. I’m bleeding.

But at this very moment now, I’m completely surrendered.

See, even after all these years, I still hadn’t allowed God to heal me.  have held onto anger. Ephesians 4 teaches us to put away all anger and not give Satan a foothold, yet that's exactly what I've done. 

I love God. I’ve been a Christian for years. I thought things were good! I’m good! I’ve talked about my past. I’ve prayed. I’ve talked about my present… I’m healed, right?! No. Everything has affected me more deeply than I let on. And all the arrows of my past were never pulled out. The wounds were never tended to... at least not by the ONE who I needed to call upon. 

I was praying last night and God showed me something. I was physically sitting up in my bed, but what I was seeing was a picture of myself bowed over in pain. I saw arrows all over me. Some in my heart, some in my back, my chest, my side. Some were rusted and flaking off onto the ground. Some were red and covered in blood. Some were white and pierced cleanly into me, very sharp.

And there was Jesus pulling each one out and speaking to me – “I see you. I know you. These are deep, but My love is deeper. My love is greater. I love you. Let me heal you. You block your own blessing. Trust Me. Trust Me.”

I have constantly held things back from God. I won’t just release things to Him because in reality I don’t trust Him. Does anyone else feel this way? Do you wrestle with truly trusting God? Do you believe He knows best? Or are you like me, trying to make things happen the way you think they should? And in your stupidity, you even justify your actions? 

For me, I think when you experience so much heartbreak, when you live with people you think would protect you, but actually abuse you…. your view of God is distorted. There are things I’ve believed for you, but not for myself. These wounds can be healed and restored, but for years this perception has caused more pain than anything else.

I haven’t fully trusted Him. Until Now. 

I was reading a lot about Abraham this week. Not a coincidence as I am praying through this surrender. So, I’ll end on this note….

Let it go. Let go of anger. Let go of hurt. Be free. Surrender. Surrender to Him and rest.

Let it go and trust that God is perfect, Sovereign and good… so very, very good. Better than you think He is.

Trust Him. He didn’t orchestrate all that pain. He didn’t. He’s good. He just wants you to Trust Him.

I've truly never loved Him like this before. It's beautiful and new. #freedom

He wants me to trust Him. He wants you to trust Him. Remember He is for you. Not against you. He is good and He loves you. I'm having to remind myself of this... and that He is completely the opposite of all the hate i have seen. That isn't Him. He is good. 

Like Abraham walking up the mountain, my heart completely trust in knowing God will provide and He will take care of me. He just asks me to surrender... to trust. And in that, I can rest. I am healed. I am blessed. I am enough. He is all i need. 

Satan, you can bow out now. Actually, i command it. Thanks. 

Listening for God...

“On the other hand, the one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation.” 4 The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself, but the one who prophesies builds up the church. 5 Now I want you all to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless someone interprets, so that the church may be built up." ~ 1 Corinthians 14:3 – 5 

"What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up.  If any speak in a tongue, let there be only two or at most three, and each in turn, and let someone interpret.  But if there is no one to interpret, let each of them keep silent in church and speak to himself and to God.  Let two or three prophets speak, and let the others weigh what is said.  If a revelation is made to another sitting there, let the first be silent.  For you can all prophesy one by one, so that all may learn and all be encouraged, and the spirits of prophets are subject to prophets.  For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:26 – 32

These scriptures are meant to instruct the body of Christ on how to use the gifts God has equipped His church with. This has been heavy on my heart for a while– how are these gifts used in the church, and why aren’t all churches practicing these gifts?  These gifts of the Spirit are wonderful blessings when used properly. But still, there are so many questions... Why is it hard to hear God’s voice?  How do we know if we truly hear the Holy Spirit or not? What if it’s simply my own desires, my own random thoughts and things I want to see, so I speak it? 

I had a youth pastor once that explained it very simply when I asked why some churches didn't practice the spiritual gifts given to the church. Let’s say someone places a gift on your doorstep, it’s beautiful, it’s wrapped in bright colored paper and it’s FOR YOU. You can open it and learn about it/from it and use it, it could be a beautiful blessing. OR you can choose to leave it and someone else that’s interested can open it, OR the gift may just sit there and never benefit anyone. That is how the gifts of the Spirit are used and not used within different church bodies. Some believe and accept it, some don’t. No one is better or worse of a person for the decision, but some are more blessed.

The gift of prophecy is talked about as the most important because it is to be used to confirm, edify and encourage believers. Christ knew we’d struggle and have sufferings in this world; we need that encouragement and consolation from the Holy Spirit, The Comforter.

MISUSED

Prophecy is also one of the most misused gifts. The thing is that, as the passionate Christ followers that we are, we can be complete IDIOTS. I mean we can be really stupid sometimes. Throughout the Bible, people are constantly referred to as sheep. Sheep are not very smart, they can literally scare themselves to death. It’s quite disturbing. Far too many times, we walk in the flesh and not in the Spirit. We do things that are not right, things that don’t line up with scripture, we don’t always honor God, we tear each other apart, we are prideful and unkind, the list goes on! How Christ-like are we, really? 

Just because you love Jesus doesn't mean you are immune to falling to sin. It doesn't mean you can’t be lead astray and lead others astray as well.

Prophecy is an important gift because of how powerfully it influences people, a person with this gift should keep a mindset that is:

HUMBLE – be continuously humble in reverence for God, recognizing that you are absolutely nothing without Him. A sincere, humble heart bowing to God is important because it should never be you speaking, but God speaking through you. You only speak what He gives you and you test everything you think may or may not be Him because even you, YES YOU, can be wrong and cause confusion.  

For he knows how weak we are;

he remembers we are only dust. Psalm 103:14

CHRIST-CENTERED – God teaches all of us to be Christ-centered, and I believe that means to stay humble, teachable and usable in complete surrender to what God wants to say. Because this is so very influential, there is no room for mistakes. There are other sheep out there that are extremely vulnerable and believe whatever is thrown at them. They soak it up because “God’s name” is behind it.

 HOLD YOUR TONGUE

For Christ followers that are so passionate and eager to be used by God, the hardest thing can be to hold their tongue. Some unfortunate souls just don’t have a filter. :)  Sometimes, I can be one of them. 

One thing that has bothered me immensely for years is when some people very loosely use the words “the Lord wanted me to tell you….”  Wow. This bothers me because of the lack of reverence for God’s name, and the over-confidence some have feeling it’s OK to say something and put God’s name behind it. 

PLEASE think before you speak or before you take hold of whatever "prophecy" spoken to you. Please question and test what you feel like saying before you say it. How do you test it? {I’ll get to that in a minute}.

There are some passionate Christ followers who desperately want to be used by God, and they're passionate about it! But I can't help but think, that in their heart, (including my own) that at times we are not truly quiet (still) enough to hear the whisper of God. 

Right now, I could bring up 1 John 4 as it teaches us to test the spirits, but I feel like that is taking that scripture out of context. That scripture is referring to the anti-Christ. I’m not referring to the anti-Christ, but I am referring to Christians that make mistakes.

I'm referring to those practicing the gift of prophecy and to those who listen to it. We are human, we are emotional, and we are full of mistakes and sin. We forget how easily we are swayed by the evil one without even recognizing it. We can make mistakes. 

So even though you may love the Lord and recognize the gift of prophecy, still I beg you to test and question what you feel you should prophecy in God's name. You can be mistaken and what you are hearing may not be the voice of God, but it could be the evil one trying to stir confusion. 

Bottom line:  There is a continuous spiritual war between the flesh and the spirit (Ephesians 6). I believe that when we do not test the spirit, it is a mistake because Satan could just as easily speak too (1 John 4:1). And he does, whether we recognize it or not. Usually we don’t because he is extremely smart. Because he tempts us all, we are all easily led astray and even used by Satan. Again, we don’t always recognize this when it’s happening and that’s the problem.

The Big Question: So how do we know if it's the Holy Spirit or an evil spirit speaking especially if it comes from a fellow Christian? How do we test the spirit?

ALL of the gifts of the Holy Spirit are given to the body of Christ, His Church, to uplift, encourage, console and reaffirm.  Prophecies (or “God told me to tell you” statements} and the interpretation of tongues should NEVER cause confusion, fear, or doubt. If it causes confusion, it is NOT from the Lord. The scriptures clearly state what the gifts are meant for in 1 Corinthians 12 - 14.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

I have been very blessed in that the majority of the time when someone has come to me with a “word from God” it has been accurate. How do I know? It’s been uplifting and edifying, it lined up with scripture or it was a scripture, and most of the time it was God clearly confirming what He had already spoken to me. These are some wonderful examples:

§ In college, I was on a ministry team and one day, our lead pastor went to each team member praying over us. Pastor Brian was and still is a very prayerful man of God with the gift of prophecy. Sometimes he would speak things and didn’t even realize what he had just said - not because he’s foolish, but because it truly was not him speaking. He was in a complete surrender to God while God spoke… not him.

He knew what it meant to completely “let go and let God” and the Holy Spirit would speak through him. That evening, I remember being in a mindset being very open to whatever God had to say.  

I was praying a little bit about my future, but nothing was a particular focus. We had recently gone to a Children’s Home and I felt that working with children and youth was something that I wanted to do. I remember being surrounded by young girls and thinking ‘this is where God wants me, He wants me to help and minister to young girls.’  Pastor Brian did not know this. When he came to pray over me he said,

“You are so afraid of your future. You’re worried that everything that happened in your past will happen in your future. God says no. He has his hand upon you and you should not be afraid. He’s bringing you out of that, and your future will be blessed. {He paused and pointed circling his finger around me} “I see little girls all around you. These children, these girls, need to hear your testimony. They need to hear what you have to say. You will be a mentor to them and guide them, teaching them. God is going to use you…. People will tell you, you can’t do it, it's too hard. But God has called you. You already know this. I’m just confirming it.”

Of course I was crying like a baby! What he said lined up with scripture, it was a comfort to me, and he confirmed what God had already told me. And yes, that prophecy has come to pass.

§ One evening I was driving home from work and I was praying. I was praying from a broken heart. The guy I liked very much was interested in a friend, not me. I was crying so hard I could hardly see the road. I remember praying:  

“God, what are you doing?  Why?  How am I supposed to know who is for me and what You have?  What are you doing?!!!”  

I think I was mid-sentence and the Holy Spirit clearly spoke,

“He will chase you as I have chased you, and love you as I have loved you.”

Over the years, I have held onto this regarding my future husband. A few years after this happened, I was telling a friend about it and she questioned me. She said “Are you sure about that? Was that really God? Because I mean, how can a man love his wife like THAT? That’s some pretty strong love.”

This upset me and I started to doubt everything, but it didn't take long before I realized that what I had heard years ago was actually in total alignment with God’s Word. In Ephesians 5:25, it teaches us how a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. I did hear the Lord’s voice and it lined up perfectly with scripture. He is our Comforter and this was the encouragement I needed at a very low point in life. I will never forget that for as long as I live and I hold to that promise.

§ Back in 2005, I was having a hard time with a bully in my life. My self-esteem was at rock bottom and this was a time when I was feeling under constant attack. One night, I was in worship and I felt like the Holy Spirit was speaking

“Walk in the promises of God. Be confident; walk in His promises.”

Then maybe 30 seconds later, my friend Cassie walked all the way to the back of the church where I was and said to me, 

“Autumn, God wants you to walk in His promises. Walk in His promises.”

{Again, this lines up with scripture – 2 Corinthians 1:20}

§ A few months ago, I was confiding to my sweet friend Meredith. She’s a wonderful woman of God and I trust her wisdom and prayers. I was worried and fearful, struggling with a lot of emotions. She left my place and told me she would be praying for me. I started to clean up the kitchen and get ready for bed and I suddenly felt like the Holy Spirit was saying,

‘No matter what, He is sovereign. God is sovereign.’

I stopped just to send a text to Meredith to apologize for my rambling and my tears, sorry to unload on her and I thanked her for being so awesome. Then my phone beeped with a text and I thought, it’s her telling me God is sovereign, isn’t it? Well… this was her text:   

“You’re welcome. We (her and my roomie) are always here for you. I’m always here to listen. The Lord is mighty and sovereign. Have a good night.”

Why am I sharing all of this? I have been blessed with prophecies spoken and God confirming things many times. God does speak to us if we are quiet enough to listen. God does still speak just as He did with Moses and Abraham.  

Far too often, our busy minds are racing thinking about our own desires, how we think things should be, and how we think things should look. We don’t live in complete surrender and humbleness. Far too many times I've seen vulnerable people {sheep} get hurt because of false "the Lord says" statements. As eager as we are to serve and be used by God, we can become overly confident in our gifts and that arrogance hurts the body of Christ rather than helps.

Most Important to Take-Away from this: 

Always test the spirit… even if it comes from a Christ follower because people make mistakes. Whatever is said should line up with God’s Word {1 Corinthians 14}. If it's not encouraging, reaffirming, or meant to console the body of Christ, and if it doesn’t line up with scripture – it is not from the Lord. Satan attacks far too often even while using other believers to do so {as they are attacked themselves}.

THINK. 

T – Is it true? Does it line up with scripture? God’s Word is Truth, so if it doesn’t line up, it’s probably not God. If it contradicts God’s character or His Word, it’s not from Him.

H – Is it helpful? Are the words bringing clarity or confusion? God is not the god of confusion.

I – Is it inspiring? Does it encourage and inspire the other person? Does it bring life or death?

N- Is it necessary? What will come if you say what you’re about to say? Is it needed?

K – Is it kind? Do I need to clarify this?

Every situation where I felt/heard God speaking to my heart was always encouraging and confirmed through scripture. It often happened that God was using someone to just confirm what He had already spoken to me, but the person had no clue! I am very thankful for all God has done. 

God, I pray that whatever You may speak to me or through me, that I would be able to react with confidence because I know Your voice, but I also pray that I would be wise and test the spirit because I know I can easily be led astray. God, help me to think before I speak. I pray that the fear of the Lord would resonate within me so strongly that I am afraid to speak out of turn… let me have no doubt and let it be confirmed that it’s You instructing me. I pray that my heart would be pure for You Jesus.