My Healing

“Perfect love casts our all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” 1 John 4:18

 “Put away all harsh words, all evil thinking… and forgive as Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:31 – 32

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16 – 21

So many scriptures on my mind lately. This week, I’ve been digging through Ephesians 2 – 4 and some of Genesis 22 to read about Abraham and his complete trust and surrender to God. It’s encouraging to read about this great man of faith; he KNEW God would do all that He promised. He always fulfills His promises.

This has been a hard year… it’s honestly been a hard for a while. A lot of heartbreak in relationships, friendships, and family.

Over the past few years, I have changed quite a bit, in some good ways, and not so good ways. {But better days ahead}. To briefly share and yet not dwell on things - I’ve had more bullies in my life more as an adult than as a child. Abusive home as a kid. I worked in a verbally abusive environment a few years ago, and before that I was constantly in interaction with this girl who was a bully within my close group of friends. I’ve been in relationship after relationship with men/men-who-aren’t-really-men-and-act-like-boys. Men who are careless with my heart. Constantly getting my heart broken and feeling I’m just not quite good enough. Almost… but not quite. Led on in relationships where they really wanted someone else.

My family life is not healthy. I struggle with a desire to spend more time with those I love so very much, yet we constantly butt heads. And I still feel like I should try because they’re family and I love them. It’s just hard to have a conversation with someone whose normal speaking volume is so loud I need earplugs. I disagree with lifestyles and decisions and it makes no difference. Marriages within my family are struggling, people are hurting, and all I can do is pray. I don’t have the answers. It’s heartbreaking.

Wow. Being very vulnerable on here. Bet you didn’t know all this, huh? 

And over time…. Oh time. Dear time, you pass by so quickly and as life gets busy, my wounds are left unattended. Anger builds up. I run when I’m hurt. I don’t know what to say, so I run. Yes, I think I’m good. No worries here. I think I’m healthy and all is well. And I truly have been "ok."

But why can’t I be more than just ok? Why can’t I be really good? And healthy and at peace? 

In reality, I’m wounded. I’m bleeding.

But at this very moment now, I’m completely surrendered.

See, even after all these years, I still hadn’t allowed God to heal me.  have held onto anger. Ephesians 4 teaches us to put away all anger and not give Satan a foothold, yet that's exactly what I've done. 

I love God. I’ve been a Christian for years. I thought things were good! I’m good! I’ve talked about my past. I’ve prayed. I’ve talked about my present… I’m healed, right?! No. Everything has affected me more deeply than I let on. And all the arrows of my past were never pulled out. The wounds were never tended to... at least not by the ONE who I needed to call upon. 

I was praying last night and God showed me something. I was physically sitting up in my bed, but what I was seeing was a picture of myself bowed over in pain. I saw arrows all over me. Some in my heart, some in my back, my chest, my side. Some were rusted and flaking off onto the ground. Some were red and covered in blood. Some were white and pierced cleanly into me, very sharp.

And there was Jesus pulling each one out and speaking to me – “I see you. I know you. These are deep, but My love is deeper. My love is greater. I love you. Let me heal you. You block your own blessing. Trust Me. Trust Me.”

I have constantly held things back from God. I won’t just release things to Him because in reality I don’t trust Him. Does anyone else feel this way? Do you wrestle with truly trusting God? Do you believe He knows best? Or are you like me, trying to make things happen the way you think they should? And in your stupidity, you even justify your actions? 

For me, I think when you experience so much heartbreak, when you live with people you think would protect you, but actually abuse you…. your view of God is distorted. There are things I’ve believed for you, but not for myself. These wounds can be healed and restored, but for years this perception has caused more pain than anything else.

I haven’t fully trusted Him. Until Now. 

I was reading a lot about Abraham this week. Not a coincidence as I am praying through this surrender. So, I’ll end on this note….

Let it go. Let go of anger. Let go of hurt. Be free. Surrender. Surrender to Him and rest.

Let it go and trust that God is perfect, Sovereign and good… so very, very good. Better than you think He is.

Trust Him. He didn’t orchestrate all that pain. He didn’t. He’s good. He just wants you to Trust Him.

I've truly never loved Him like this before. It's beautiful and new. #freedom

He wants me to trust Him. He wants you to trust Him. Remember He is for you. Not against you. He is good and He loves you. I'm having to remind myself of this... and that He is completely the opposite of all the hate i have seen. That isn't Him. He is good. 

Like Abraham walking up the mountain, my heart completely trust in knowing God will provide and He will take care of me. He just asks me to surrender... to trust. And in that, I can rest. I am healed. I am blessed. I am enough. He is all i need. 

Satan, you can bow out now. Actually, i command it. Thanks. 

Perfect love casts out fear

I have been spending a lot more time at the piano lately. I used to play a lot when I was a kid, for hours actually. I loved the sound that each note made and I was fascinated that the sounds could blend so beautifully with just a touch. And I would sing and sing and sing!

My life right now has been flipped around. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s hard. It’s very hard. For a while, I was failing to realize how much I allow fear to affect me. It’s a paralyzing fear aiming for perfection, being what people expect instead of, well… instead of me.

I go through phases where I’ll feel confident and secure and I’m truly being myself. It’s a wonderful feeling to be free and not care! I love it! I feel free, and wonderfully weird and loved! It’s beautiful! I laugh loud and I speak my mind. I fully love those around me and embrace them. I feel genuine and free! 

Then fear creeps in. Ugly, disruptive FEAR. It puts me at a stand-still. I want to leap and I can’t. I’m hindered and holding back. There are many things God has been showing me lately and one is this:

Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. Ephesians 6:12

Fear can control a lot when we let it. It hinders us, it hinders relationships... with people and with God Himself. It keeps us from taking that step toward what we truly want, it keeps us from fully loving others, it keeps us from embracing who we really are and who we’re created to be. This fear is not from God. I hate fear. I hate how the enemy works. I’m beginning to see his sneaky tactics. I hate how Satan creeps in slowly with fear without us even realizing what he’s doing… and before you know it, it’s too late! The fear is overwhelming. He infuriates me.

Today I was playing piano and I’ve been asked to play many times for people and I turn them down. I’ve been asked to sing and I turn them down. I just recently started playing for the children’s choir at church and it’s nerve-wracking for me. God has to truly cover me before I go up there! I worry about missing a note. I freak if I get off beat! It takes me forever to learn music. I feel like this horrible amateur who is trying to be better than what I really am. I’m trying so hard to not mess up!!

I like to go alone to play piano and sing. No one can hear (I don’t think). It’s my worship time. Sometimes I end up in tears, sometimes I end up swaying and singing, sometimes I don’t feel like playing worship and I play Broadway songs.

Today I tried again to learn more of the song I Am Not Alone, sung by Kari Jobe. I played it a few times with some struggle... ok, a lot of struggle. Then I heard this sweet whisper and God spoke to me,

Sing for Me. Just sing.

As Moses told God at the burning bush, I told God – I can’t do that. It’s hard to sing and play at the same time. I mess up a lot. I really mess up, like my hands can’t do it. My fingers get tangled and my voice shakes.

Then He said it again…

Just sing. I love for you to sing to Me. I never asked you to be perfect. I don’t care if you mess up.

You don’t need to be perfect. Just be you. I love your heart. Be you My daughter… just sing and play.

And so I played and sang. And there was peace and beauty in it. There was no fear. 

So, here I am learning to overcome fear. Learning that I have power to overcome this enemy of my soul. All this talk about fear reminds of one very powerful thing. Satan can do nothing without God’s permission. This fear will not overcome me. I know the God who wins every battle and that same God is fighting for me.

And it’s not the end.