My Healing

“Perfect love casts our all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” 1 John 4:18

 “Put away all harsh words, all evil thinking… and forgive as Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:31 – 32

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16 – 21

So many scriptures on my mind lately. This week, I’ve been digging through Ephesians 2 – 4 and some of Genesis 22 to read about Abraham and his complete trust and surrender to God. It’s encouraging to read about this great man of faith; he KNEW God would do all that He promised. He always fulfills His promises.

This has been a hard year… it’s honestly been a hard for a while. A lot of heartbreak in relationships, friendships, and family.

Over the past few years, I have changed quite a bit, in some good ways, and not so good ways. {But better days ahead}. To briefly share and yet not dwell on things - I’ve had more bullies in my life more as an adult than as a child. Abusive home as a kid. I worked in a verbally abusive environment a few years ago, and before that I was constantly in interaction with this girl who was a bully within my close group of friends. I’ve been in relationship after relationship with men/men-who-aren’t-really-men-and-act-like-boys. Men who are careless with my heart. Constantly getting my heart broken and feeling I’m just not quite good enough. Almost… but not quite. Led on in relationships where they really wanted someone else.

My family life is not healthy. I struggle with a desire to spend more time with those I love so very much, yet we constantly butt heads. And I still feel like I should try because they’re family and I love them. It’s just hard to have a conversation with someone whose normal speaking volume is so loud I need earplugs. I disagree with lifestyles and decisions and it makes no difference. Marriages within my family are struggling, people are hurting, and all I can do is pray. I don’t have the answers. It’s heartbreaking.

Wow. Being very vulnerable on here. Bet you didn’t know all this, huh? 

And over time…. Oh time. Dear time, you pass by so quickly and as life gets busy, my wounds are left unattended. Anger builds up. I run when I’m hurt. I don’t know what to say, so I run. Yes, I think I’m good. No worries here. I think I’m healthy and all is well. And I truly have been "ok."

But why can’t I be more than just ok? Why can’t I be really good? And healthy and at peace? 

In reality, I’m wounded. I’m bleeding.

But at this very moment now, I’m completely surrendered.

See, even after all these years, I still hadn’t allowed God to heal me.  have held onto anger. Ephesians 4 teaches us to put away all anger and not give Satan a foothold, yet that's exactly what I've done. 

I love God. I’ve been a Christian for years. I thought things were good! I’m good! I’ve talked about my past. I’ve prayed. I’ve talked about my present… I’m healed, right?! No. Everything has affected me more deeply than I let on. And all the arrows of my past were never pulled out. The wounds were never tended to... at least not by the ONE who I needed to call upon. 

I was praying last night and God showed me something. I was physically sitting up in my bed, but what I was seeing was a picture of myself bowed over in pain. I saw arrows all over me. Some in my heart, some in my back, my chest, my side. Some were rusted and flaking off onto the ground. Some were red and covered in blood. Some were white and pierced cleanly into me, very sharp.

And there was Jesus pulling each one out and speaking to me – “I see you. I know you. These are deep, but My love is deeper. My love is greater. I love you. Let me heal you. You block your own blessing. Trust Me. Trust Me.”

I have constantly held things back from God. I won’t just release things to Him because in reality I don’t trust Him. Does anyone else feel this way? Do you wrestle with truly trusting God? Do you believe He knows best? Or are you like me, trying to make things happen the way you think they should? And in your stupidity, you even justify your actions? 

For me, I think when you experience so much heartbreak, when you live with people you think would protect you, but actually abuse you…. your view of God is distorted. There are things I’ve believed for you, but not for myself. These wounds can be healed and restored, but for years this perception has caused more pain than anything else.

I haven’t fully trusted Him. Until Now. 

I was reading a lot about Abraham this week. Not a coincidence as I am praying through this surrender. So, I’ll end on this note….

Let it go. Let go of anger. Let go of hurt. Be free. Surrender. Surrender to Him and rest.

Let it go and trust that God is perfect, Sovereign and good… so very, very good. Better than you think He is.

Trust Him. He didn’t orchestrate all that pain. He didn’t. He’s good. He just wants you to Trust Him.

I've truly never loved Him like this before. It's beautiful and new. #freedom

He wants me to trust Him. He wants you to trust Him. Remember He is for you. Not against you. He is good and He loves you. I'm having to remind myself of this... and that He is completely the opposite of all the hate i have seen. That isn't Him. He is good. 

Like Abraham walking up the mountain, my heart completely trust in knowing God will provide and He will take care of me. He just asks me to surrender... to trust. And in that, I can rest. I am healed. I am blessed. I am enough. He is all i need. 

Satan, you can bow out now. Actually, i command it. Thanks. 

It's not about me

You can be sure that I have heard the groans of the people of Israel, who are now slaves to the Egyptians. And I am well aware of my covenant with them.

“Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the Lord!’”

So Moses told the people of Israel what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery. Exodus 6:5 – 9

I have had my heart set on this scripture for a while, pondering it, and wrestling with why it seems significant to me. Why is God showing me this? There's so much depth to this scripture and i can only go into a portion of it now. One thing I see, one thing i finally get is...  I am an Israelite. 

The things of this world can enslave us and hold us down. I can be the negative, non-believing Israelite. I am His child. My Father God tells me His promises, He reassures me of His love, He tenderly speaks to my heart confirming His promises again and again, yet I walk in disbelief.

As it happened with the Israelites, sometimes the brutality of life can wear us down so much that we can’t see the next step. And we choose to become so distraught, we lose our hope.  

I have often thought that HOPE was about holding on tightly. Holding on with everything in me! Holding on with all my strength! It’s not. Hope is about letting go and letting the ONE who is perfect work it out and I just get to be me.

So, what is it that I’ve been missing? How does that scripture relate?  

Well, to put it quite frankly – it’s not about me.

Maybe you are like me in some ways. I’ve focused hard on ministry, work, my needs, my desires, my dreams, my feelings… And I forget who it is that is behind it all and what really matters. It’s not about me. It’s about HIM.

Those dreams, those desires, those passions are gifts from Him. I just need to trust.

In this scripture, God is telling Moses {Paraphrased}, ‘I’ve heard the cries of My people. They belong to Me. I see their struggle. I see their tears. I hear their prayers. They are not forgotten. They are not ignored. It’s just been a matter of time and the time has come. I will do a mighty work and they will know I am the Lord their God.’

More times than I’d like to admit, I’ve felt completely ignored by God. I have felt forgotten. I’ve wondered if He sees me at all. In the scriptures above, God reminds Moses of who He is. He repeatedly says,

‘I am the Lord.

I will free you…

I will redeem you…

I will rescue you…

I will claim you as My own…

I will.

Did you see that? I will… I will… It’s not about you. It’s not about me.

It’s about HIM.

So maybe we stop holding on to what we think our life is supposed to look like and let go. Have hope in the ONE who knows us inside-out, every detail of our being, every hair on our head, every wrinkle on our skin. Trust in the ONE whose ways are perfect.

He wants to do something so great and so wonderful that we can’t mistake that it is only by HIS hand.

Dwell on His truth. Take Him at His word. Read His truth continually so that His words become so engrained in your mind that you don’t give the enemy a foothold. 

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

The oppression of the enemy fights us, wearing us down. I have to remind myself of God's promises and rest in Him. I choose to focus on His truth and speak boldly against the fear of the enemy. I choose LOVE. I choose to let go and HOPE. I have a perfect, holy Creator God who loves me beyond my comprehension. And He works things out for the good of those that truly love Him. {Romans 8} I believe He will do things in such a way that there is no other explanation for His work, so that HE alone gets the glory.

He only asks me to seek Him first. Seek the kingdom of God first. And so, I let go.

It’s not about me.

Some things in life may seem impossible. Things may seem to never end. Maybe you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

There is. It is Him.

There’s so much more depth to this scripture and that will come later. I will let this soak in for now.  

Isaiah 54 - A Word of Encouragement

I wrote this piece a while back, months ago in fact, and kept telling myself I need to post it.  So today is the day.  Before I share my thoughts on Isaiah 54, I have to share something wonderful that happened as I was writing this piece. 

The day I was writing this, I was praying in my office at work, door was closed and I needed time alone.  I turned on an audio commentary from blueletterbible.org with David Guzik teaching on this chapter.  It was on in the background at first; I can’t write with music or people talking.  So I had started writing and praying, continually going back and forth to study.  I finally had to put the speaker completely on mute. 

I began to pray and tears were streaming down my face; fear can overwhelm me sometimes. {Just being completely vulnerable here} There are days when I feel very alone.  Despite the fact that I know I am loved, I forget God's promises and Satan attacks my heart and my mind.  It was one of those days.  

Honestly, I enjoy being single. It allows me to do things I may not be able to do as a married woman.  If I want to go out with friends on a Friday or take a random road trip, peace out! :)  I'm there!  It's nice.  And I have amazing friends and family, I love them all.  However, my heart still looks forward to one day being married with a husband/helpmate/lover and companion.  It is a desire.  And when you are single and work in ministry, let’s just say guys are not exactly beating down my door - which btw I don’t understand because we are so much fun!  And I think I’m pretty cute.  {hey, I am allowed to say that and say it with confidence.} ;) 

Anyways, as a single woman, watching so many of my friends get married and have children, it hits me with destructive thoughts, “Will my life ever move forward?” or “I need to get over this and understand that God just doesn’t have those plans for me, so I need to face facts.” 

Some people don’t believe that God speaks anymore like He did with Moses or Joshua, but I truly believe He does, because He continually speaks to me!  It has happened many times.  I don't understand it, but He confirms it every time and I know it's God.  THIS was just another wonderful instance. 

What happened?
So, when I was in my office praying, I prayed the Holy Spirit would comfort me, I think I actually uttered the words, ‘please help me. I just need to feel You.'    And I literally felt like He wrapped me in His arms and held me, it suddenly became very warm in my office.  Of course, I was crying, then I heard Him whisper “I Am enough.”  :)  

God was just reminding me of who He is and He is enough.  Everything I need.  It was encouraging to hear that, but that’s not all.  Then something odd and amazing happened… I dried my eyes and turned the commentary back on.  It had been playing but I had muted it.  When I turned it back up, the speaker was referencing verse 5. 

“For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”

He read the verse, then he said, “It’s as if the Lord is saying to you ‘I Am enough.”
Ahhhhhhhh!  I was shocked!  I couldn’t believe that just happened!  J  God's perfect timing.  It was so wonderful to hear that confirmation.  I just had to share.  Sorry this piece is long, but I do hope it is a blessing to someone out there reading this.  This was heavy on my heart for a while and felt like I should share.   Please post or share any thoughts, I love hearing from people! :) 

ISAIAH 54~

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;

break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor!

For the children of the desolate one will be more

than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;

do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.

For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and will people the desolate cities” {vs1 – 3}.

Isaiah 54 has been heavy on my heart.  I keep reading, trying to understand why God is pressing this on me. The first couple verses tell a once barren woman to now sing because she is no longer barren.  Why is this even mentioned? 

As I have been studying, I read that back then in Israel, it was a great disgrace for a woman to be unable to bear children.  So in her moments of feeling shameful, feeling alone and discouraged because of her struggle, the Lord is comforting her with a promise.  It’s a promise of restoration and blessing!  All that was the past, all the shame and loneliness she has felt, God is erasing and doing a new work.  He promises to restore and bless.  Israel will be restored like a woman who was once barren.  She is also compared to a widow without reproach.  As there is sadness that attacks a widow, God promises to stand in the place of her husband. 

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your

widowhood you will remember no more.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
⁶ For the Lord has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,” says your God.

With compassion, God responds ‘don’t you realize who I am.  I Am.  I am your Maker, I designed you and have loved you with an everlasting love.  Before I even formed you in the womb, I knew you.'

“the Lord of hosts is my name” …means the God of Heavenly armies.  Wow.  How’s that for a husband?  Nothing and no one on earth can compare!  He is saying, ‘I am God Almighty – powerful, Sovereign, and still closer and more intimate than any earthly husband can be for you.’

“For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
⁸ In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord, your Redeemer.”

God describes our trial from His perspective. God is calling us to trust Him, to remember who He is and that He will bring us restoration. 

For the mountains may depart

    and the hills be removed,

but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,

    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”

    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

“O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,

    behold, I will set your stones in antimony,

    and lay your foundations with sapphires....

He is teaching us that even though something as steady as the mountains may move, but His kindness will never depart from us!  His compassion is always there and He is reaching out to comfort those that are hurting.  A couple weeks ago, I was praying and it had been an emotionally draining weekend. I was praying and felt as if the Holy Spirit was saying to me, “why do you cry as though I left you?  I have never left you.”   I felt like He had such compassion on me in that moment of weakness.  He didn't look down, slap me around and tell me to get over it, but God had compassion on me. 

Far too often I question His goodness. I doubt Him and I don’t trust.  I struggle with thinking that He may allow something to come into my life that hurts, I’m afraid of the risk.  Far too often I view God like I do a person... as someone full of sin and flaws. I forget that He is GOD. Not a god that we have created with our hands, not a god that we made-up, but GOD.. our Creator. He is everything. He is the beginning and the end; nothing compares to Him. He is the one true LIVING God.  

When we are feel as if we have hit our lowest point, we ‘feel’ poor, weak and as though we have nothing. God is comforting his child with these words, reminding them they are not without, they are not poor but they are “rich.”   

I love Isaiah 54 and I take it as a word of encouragement directly from God, as this is the Word of the Living God, which is something I easily forget far too often. I serve the living God, He is not dead but He answers when we call and He is our strength and encouragement when we need it. 
{~ A Thankful heart} 

Dominican Republic = less of me

I love the Dominican Republic and I want to go back! We got back last Sunday, Valentines Day and I took Monday off. My stomach was upset and I literally slept all day. Mr. Bathroom became my best friend. I had no appetite, but eventually ate oatmeal. I didn't want anything at first, then I found myself craving fresh pineapple. They have delicious fresh fruit. Mmmmmm. :o) I’m still having trouble drinking sweet tea again. SO weird! I mean, I’m a southerner! Hello! This should not be a problem. They have this tea in the DR, Ahh-Mazing! Kind of like an apple-cinnamon tea, very strong and oh so good. And the hot chocolate... oh how I love thee! It is nothing like American hot chocolate. Silly Americans - we have water with some powder - what were we thinkin'?

I am still processing everything from being in the Dominican but I have to say, it has changed my heart.  I am much more aware of what it really means to die to myself.  I want to give more, love more and pray more that people know God and love Him. This trip was an amazing experience - kind of like having spiritual open heart surgery... that you are awake for... with a lot of people you barely know watching.  It made me examine my heart, dig a little deeper and really {want} to change. I want to know what it means to be Christ to those around me and die to my selfish ways. It's not an overnight change, but a daily battle I am more aware of.

Before the trip, I was reading Proverbs 31 and I taped it up in my bathroom, just because. I've read this scripture a million times. I didn't give it too much thought. Now I see that God laid that on my heart to redesign my heart. He has been pursuing me and molding me to become the woman He wants me to be. The Proverbs 31 woman is hard-working, never lazy, she’s wise and seeks God above all things. She is prayerful, faithful, energetic and strong, a woman of integrity and grace. I want to be this woman… what God desires me to be. And that means dying to myself.

God was calling me to fast before the trip - for the team and for the Dominicans.  I feel like there was more to the fasting than what I realized at that time.  He kept speaking to me, "It's not about you, it's about ME."  I was thinking, this is about being dependent on Him because this will be a hard trip. Well... that was only part of it.  I think my heart needed one of those shocks that you get when on the operating table... kind of how I felt. (Not that thats ever happened but I'm just saying).  Learning to die to myself and be rid of my selfishness is the biggest thing I've taken away from this trip.  Recognizing that I shouldn't complain but be grateful, learning to give freely to others, to love others {unselfishly} and count it all joy! I’m {learning} to rest and take joy in knowing I am loved and cherished by GOD!  Joy in knowing that He cares for me, so there's no need to complain or be discouraged but to count it all joy.  My struggles won't go away, in fact when I came back from the trip they almost seem worse, but my reaction to it can change.

I'm thankful for God's provision in my life.  I'm thankful to have a hot shower and a bed! I {heart} my bed. And my pillow... not just any pillow. I have a fancy-smansy memory foam pillow that helps me sleep... oh I missed that little guy! I’m blessed to take showers without fear of getting sick from parasites, yet burdened to pray for the people that get sick from that water every day. I pray for their health and protection, for their families and children. I'm grateful to sleep comfortably with a roof over my head, with no fear of sleeping with a mouse or a roach. {totally serious here} I am grateful to not be sleeping on an air mattress that hurts my back and wake up at 2am with a roach on me. I don't like any bug really, but the worst of them all is a rrrroach. {I even hate the word} I wanted to scream but I knew I'd wake everyone up, so I tried to remain calm.  At 2:00am.  After it crawled on my leg.  In my sheets.  Ewwww. That little guy wanted to sleep with me and I was like... No sir! You better back off! Take your six little legs and scurry out of my sheets!  The thing is, people live in far worse conditions... a lot worse than just worrying if a stupid roach is on you or not. I really am blessed! There are so many things we take forgranted everyday... heat and A/C, electricity, a bed, a shower, clean water, medicine! And did you know that gas in DR is $22 a gallon? Yeah. No kidding.

When people ask me how was my trip... I don't quite know what to say. It was really good, but it was also very convicting, which is hard.  Learning to die to myself, to get past my selfishness, to be continually mindful and prayful, to love others and show them the love of Christ... that's a lot to take in.  I didn't really feel like myself. Everyday I was adjusting to new surroundings, the culture {which I love} and my teammates.  I constantly felt awkward and out of place, although I know I was right where God wanted me. Unfortunately in the moments of my weakness, my struggles came forth and I hate it when my flesh gets in the way.  Arrrg.  Dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy.  We lived in a constant state of be ready for anything, adapt quickly and be {continually} prayerful. Taking all this home really changes you.  I was with this amazing team {the dangerous team} that I barely knew before the trip and most of them all knew each other fairly well... except for me. I love my team very much, but there was this constant battle in my spirit of feeling like the odd-ball, but I know that I was right where God wanted me {for such a time as this}. There was a peace about the trip, knowing God was orchestrating everything as it should be. As the week went on, I got more comfortable with everyone.  It was a joy to be around them and it was a lot of fun. Our daily devotionals were great. I loved the words of wisdom and hearing the personal stories.

Lots of great stories - getting a GAzillion bars of soap to give away at the clinic, having devotionals with a hen that was nesting beside me in a flower pot, the goat that chased me, when I got electrocuted in the van, and the best one yet - when I rode the mo-ped to the dental clinic. That's right! Yahoo! And let's not forget the party in the bathroom with our team leader jumping up and down while we're all crammed in there brushing our teeth. That makes me happy. I was with a lot of morning people... you know the kind I'm talking about. :-)

One of my favorite memories is the look on the kids faces when we gave them a jump rope. A jump rope. They were ecstatic! I remember giving the kids stickers and twirling tops, they were so happy! I will always remember that. I absolutely LOVED the Dominicans. I loved talking with them and playing with the kids.  Taking blood pressure was my favorite because I got to greet them and talk with them. I loved seeing them smile. I just {LOVED} to see them smile, especially the kids.  I got to do a little bit of everything - blood pressure, pharmacy and dental. I liked the pharmacy because of the fast pace and I felt like I was helpful (for the most part).  I think I just really liked being around more people and working so closely with my teammates.  I really liked the dental clinic only because it was held in a school and I got to hang out with the kids!  Yay! 

I love my new Dominican doctor friends!  I loved playing UNO with them!  I really got attached to Rosemary, Julia and Ajakhah. They were so much fun to hang out with.  I especially miss Rosemary... there was a special bond with her and I would {love} to keep in touch somehow.  I miss Pastor Mario, Hairal, and Washington! The staff at the house was so good to us, they were precious!  I miss their sweetness, I just want to go hug them one more time.  I miss my Dominican friends, can't wait to go back.