Excuse me while I soar

Fear - it's a dirty 4-letter word.  Why should I fear at all?  Where did I get it from?  I believe Satan sees these struggles within us and once he knows how to attack, his goal is to destroy us.  Our fears, if we allow them to, can make us stagnant in our walk with God.  Our fears trap us and keep us from going forward.  Fear affects our witness and the work that we do for the kingdom.  No wonder Satan feeds off of this! 

These past few years, my biggest struggle has been the big question... who am I?  I have worried way too much about what people think.  Fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear of getting hurt.  Too afraid to be myself and say what I feel.  I struggle with not having enough courage and I foolishly put my identity in who people say I am.

{short version of a long story that eventually healed over} A few years ago, there was a young woman that came into my life.  She was a new Christian, struggling with her own insecurities.  I don't think I've ever had anyone be so spiteful in my entire life.  I was around her at least every other week for two years.  I allowed her to belittle me.   It was as if she was stabbing me with a dagger with each word and I never stood up for myself, so I might as well been handing her the darn thing!  One summer we had an all girls vacation and I was upset at something she said.  We came back to the hotel to get ready for our girls night out.  I got in the shower and began to cry.  I could barely catch my breath.  I felt completely rejected and really... unloved.  Then the Lord spoke to me so clearly, I'll never forget it.  He said, 

"My royal daughter, walk with your head raised." 

Notice He didn't say, 'you fearful, little girl.'  Not 'you silly little girl.'  He said, "My royal daughter."  As if He were reminding me of who I am in Him. 

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."  - 1 Peter 2:9

Satan has used people to attack my confidence - non-believers and Christians just the same.  Everyone is facing their own battle.  When Christians let their guard down, they began to walk in the flesh and not the spirit.  Unfortunately I fail miserably everyday.  We don't mean to hurt others but we do.  As far as I can tell, my primary love language is words of affirmation and the other might be acts of service.  When there's someone telling me I'm inadequate, incompetent or not good enough, it cuts really deep.  Positive words can encourage me in a moment and give me confidence.  Positive or negative, I absorb it like a sponge.  I've allowed their opinions to attack my identity and hinder my walk with God.  Negativity eats away at me until my walk becomes a limp and I'm paralyzed with fear.  Fear to not be myself.  Fear that I will always say or do the wrong thing.  I've allowed it to steal my joy. 

Now... I am choosing to ignore those words, rise above their ignorance, and trying to pray for those that hurt me.  {Even if my flesh wants to knock them upside the head}.  I am choosing to soar above them.  My confidence should never be placed in the hands of anyone other than my Lord.  My confidence is in Him alone, for He is my hope and salvation.  My rock and my fortress!  {Psalm 62}

"So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family – calling him "Father, dear Father." - Romans 8:15 NLT

{I freakin' love this scripture!}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There will always be people in my life that try to tear me down.  This is a daily battle I face at work everyday.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of making a mistake - like typing notes using round bullet points when she wanted square.  It sets her off telling me I'm incompetent and she should have done the job herself.  You think I'm kidding?  I seriously need a tape-recorder.  I walk on eggshells everyday.  It's not healthy for me.  Why has God put me there, you ask?   Oh the lesson I have learned!  It's all about my identity and knowing who I am in Him!  A lesson of confidence in being a child of God.  Wow, the revelation of it all!  THAT my dear friends is what God is doing in my life right now.  Ultimately this is my choice.  There will always be people like that, but I can choose to not let their words define me.  I could continue to let it form my identity, but that would mean that I am foolish enough to believe their lies and ignorance.  I can choose to not forgive and be bitter, but where would that get me? 

I'm learning to rise above.  Ohhh the FREEDOM!!!  I feel like a bird that has just left the nest for the first time!  I might fall hard but I'd miss the adventure of learning to fly. 

I am a woman of God, a beautiful, cherished daughter of a King, wholeheartedly loved by my Heavenly Father!  Fear has no place in that love.... so I choose to soar! 

{makes me heart melt a little}  

Dominican Republic

A typical night in the DR dosing medicine.  Yay!

One of the random pics I took just observing the culture. They use oxen to pull the wagons of sugar cane.

My new friends!  I {heart} them!  Julia and Rosemary.

She was precious!  Love playing peek-a-boo with her.  I don't know if it was more fun for her or me. 

We were able to give out around 2200 perscriptions total, seeing nearly 400 people per day at this clinic, but that doesn't include the dental clinic and the vision center. 

{blessing those in need}

This is Meekah.  I know we shouldn't pick favorites, but who can resist that sweet face?! 

She was precious!  I {heart} her sweet smile and kind heart. 

{makes my heart melt a little}

Dominican Republic = less of me

I love the Dominican Republic and I want to go back! We got back last Sunday, Valentines Day and I took Monday off. My stomach was upset and I literally slept all day. Mr. Bathroom became my best friend. I had no appetite, but eventually ate oatmeal. I didn't want anything at first, then I found myself craving fresh pineapple. They have delicious fresh fruit. Mmmmmm. :o) I’m still having trouble drinking sweet tea again. SO weird! I mean, I’m a southerner! Hello! This should not be a problem. They have this tea in the DR, Ahh-Mazing! Kind of like an apple-cinnamon tea, very strong and oh so good. And the hot chocolate... oh how I love thee! It is nothing like American hot chocolate. Silly Americans - we have water with some powder - what were we thinkin'?

I am still processing everything from being in the Dominican but I have to say, it has changed my heart.  I am much more aware of what it really means to die to myself.  I want to give more, love more and pray more that people know God and love Him. This trip was an amazing experience - kind of like having spiritual open heart surgery... that you are awake for... with a lot of people you barely know watching.  It made me examine my heart, dig a little deeper and really {want} to change. I want to know what it means to be Christ to those around me and die to my selfish ways. It's not an overnight change, but a daily battle I am more aware of.

Before the trip, I was reading Proverbs 31 and I taped it up in my bathroom, just because. I've read this scripture a million times. I didn't give it too much thought. Now I see that God laid that on my heart to redesign my heart. He has been pursuing me and molding me to become the woman He wants me to be. The Proverbs 31 woman is hard-working, never lazy, she’s wise and seeks God above all things. She is prayerful, faithful, energetic and strong, a woman of integrity and grace. I want to be this woman… what God desires me to be. And that means dying to myself.

God was calling me to fast before the trip - for the team and for the Dominicans.  I feel like there was more to the fasting than what I realized at that time.  He kept speaking to me, "It's not about you, it's about ME."  I was thinking, this is about being dependent on Him because this will be a hard trip. Well... that was only part of it.  I think my heart needed one of those shocks that you get when on the operating table... kind of how I felt. (Not that thats ever happened but I'm just saying).  Learning to die to myself and be rid of my selfishness is the biggest thing I've taken away from this trip.  Recognizing that I shouldn't complain but be grateful, learning to give freely to others, to love others {unselfishly} and count it all joy! I’m {learning} to rest and take joy in knowing I am loved and cherished by GOD!  Joy in knowing that He cares for me, so there's no need to complain or be discouraged but to count it all joy.  My struggles won't go away, in fact when I came back from the trip they almost seem worse, but my reaction to it can change.

I'm thankful for God's provision in my life.  I'm thankful to have a hot shower and a bed! I {heart} my bed. And my pillow... not just any pillow. I have a fancy-smansy memory foam pillow that helps me sleep... oh I missed that little guy! I’m blessed to take showers without fear of getting sick from parasites, yet burdened to pray for the people that get sick from that water every day. I pray for their health and protection, for their families and children. I'm grateful to sleep comfortably with a roof over my head, with no fear of sleeping with a mouse or a roach. {totally serious here} I am grateful to not be sleeping on an air mattress that hurts my back and wake up at 2am with a roach on me. I don't like any bug really, but the worst of them all is a rrrroach. {I even hate the word} I wanted to scream but I knew I'd wake everyone up, so I tried to remain calm.  At 2:00am.  After it crawled on my leg.  In my sheets.  Ewwww. That little guy wanted to sleep with me and I was like... No sir! You better back off! Take your six little legs and scurry out of my sheets!  The thing is, people live in far worse conditions... a lot worse than just worrying if a stupid roach is on you or not. I really am blessed! There are so many things we take forgranted everyday... heat and A/C, electricity, a bed, a shower, clean water, medicine! And did you know that gas in DR is $22 a gallon? Yeah. No kidding.

When people ask me how was my trip... I don't quite know what to say. It was really good, but it was also very convicting, which is hard.  Learning to die to myself, to get past my selfishness, to be continually mindful and prayful, to love others and show them the love of Christ... that's a lot to take in.  I didn't really feel like myself. Everyday I was adjusting to new surroundings, the culture {which I love} and my teammates.  I constantly felt awkward and out of place, although I know I was right where God wanted me. Unfortunately in the moments of my weakness, my struggles came forth and I hate it when my flesh gets in the way.  Arrrg.  Dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy.  We lived in a constant state of be ready for anything, adapt quickly and be {continually} prayerful. Taking all this home really changes you.  I was with this amazing team {the dangerous team} that I barely knew before the trip and most of them all knew each other fairly well... except for me. I love my team very much, but there was this constant battle in my spirit of feeling like the odd-ball, but I know that I was right where God wanted me {for such a time as this}. There was a peace about the trip, knowing God was orchestrating everything as it should be. As the week went on, I got more comfortable with everyone.  It was a joy to be around them and it was a lot of fun. Our daily devotionals were great. I loved the words of wisdom and hearing the personal stories.

Lots of great stories - getting a GAzillion bars of soap to give away at the clinic, having devotionals with a hen that was nesting beside me in a flower pot, the goat that chased me, when I got electrocuted in the van, and the best one yet - when I rode the mo-ped to the dental clinic. That's right! Yahoo! And let's not forget the party in the bathroom with our team leader jumping up and down while we're all crammed in there brushing our teeth. That makes me happy. I was with a lot of morning people... you know the kind I'm talking about. :-)

One of my favorite memories is the look on the kids faces when we gave them a jump rope. A jump rope. They were ecstatic! I remember giving the kids stickers and twirling tops, they were so happy! I will always remember that. I absolutely LOVED the Dominicans. I loved talking with them and playing with the kids.  Taking blood pressure was my favorite because I got to greet them and talk with them. I loved seeing them smile. I just {LOVED} to see them smile, especially the kids.  I got to do a little bit of everything - blood pressure, pharmacy and dental. I liked the pharmacy because of the fast pace and I felt like I was helpful (for the most part).  I think I just really liked being around more people and working so closely with my teammates.  I really liked the dental clinic only because it was held in a school and I got to hang out with the kids!  Yay! 

I love my new Dominican doctor friends!  I loved playing UNO with them!  I really got attached to Rosemary, Julia and Ajakhah. They were so much fun to hang out with.  I especially miss Rosemary... there was a special bond with her and I would {love} to keep in touch somehow.  I miss Pastor Mario, Hairal, and Washington! The staff at the house was so good to us, they were precious!  I miss their sweetness, I just want to go hug them one more time.  I miss my Dominican friends, can't wait to go back.

Dear Icecream,

Dear Icecream,
Oh how I love thee! We have spent many nights together.... just the two of us. 

You've really been there for me through thick and thin. We have had some good times my sweet icecream. Oh... the memories! How I cherish the sweet memories. I pray that one day we can work through this difficult time and go back to the way we were. 

It's not you... it's me.  Actually it's my stomach. You see it just doesn't like you. I know, I know.... I shouldn't let others affect our relationship but it's so hard. I can't take it anymore!

I will miss our time together.... when we ate cookie dough right out of the container, the nights we spent cosied up on the couch watching movies, our long walks in the park, the baseball games and oh... the time I dropped you on the floor... sorry about that.  I will cherish our memories.

I must tell you... there's someone else. I'm sorry.  I don't want to hurt you. Or make you feel like you've been put in the blender.  His name is Smoothie King.  He has his own palace.  He treats me well, and leaves me completely satisfied. We have this amazing connection, he's exactly what I want.  If there weren't so many complications, I'd definitely choose you instead! You're amazing!  I'm sorry but this just isn't going to work out.

Don't think of this as goodbye, for one day we will meet again. I believe you will be in heaven and my stomach will have no say in our relationship. Remember... "goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end, they simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again."

In the name of Dolly Parton, I will always love you...... with chocolate syrup on top and extra cherries. Forever and always.

Your Autumn

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You

I was in the Dominican Republic on Valentines Day and my heart was drawn more than anything to the Dominicans and showing them the love of Christ for the short time I was there. On Valentines day morning I shared my testimony at a church in Santa Domingo. My deepest desire was for the people under my voice to know they are loved by God - that my testimony would be about God's faithfulness and love as a Father, accepting us just as we are.

For most of my life, I've struggled with feeling rejected. I know that I am loved, by family and friends, but in all honesty there have been many times where I questioned it. There are so many that I know struggle with the same thing, they just don't talk about it.  For years I have allowed people to tell me who they think I am, even if it totally contradicts who God says I am. The crazy thing is... I believed them!  I let their words slowly kill my self-esteem and form my identity.  I can deal with harsh words for only a short time, but these two people {a.k.a. Satan's spon} have been in my life for an extended period of time.  Years actually.  When you are around someone like that for hours each week... the things they say start to take root.

The truth is something they do not understand... and something I have so easily forgotten.  God's word is truth and it's more powerful than a double-edge sword.  He tells me I am loved!  I am His daughter, His beloved, and His bride.  There's a sweet peace in knowing that I am adopted into the family of God and He loves me unconditionally.  Just as I am.  THAT makes me one happy girl!

This scripture came to my mind and I shared it on Valentines Day because it reminds me that I am loved by God and He is my Father.  Despite all the rejection we face in this world, there is one who accepts us just as we are.

Romans 8:15-17

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

Old blog to New blog

Hello new blogging world! My old blog is www.steppingoutonfaith.wordpress.com and as much as I love it, I have decided that I would like to do more with pictures and have easier access to be with my friends, it just seems right to switch to blogger.com. Hopefully my old one won't get automatically deleted but if you leave comments on there, it may be months before I see it.
I also feel as if this is a new phase in my life and I want to start fresh! I just got back from the Dominican Republic from a medical mission trip that I feel has truly changed my heart. I woke up yesterday and heated up oatmeal in the microwave and I thought - "Wow. I have a microwave to eat oatmeal." So simple but it's so amazing how truly blessed I am. I took a warm shower for the first time in 9 days! A warm shower! Ahhhhh! I got to shave my legs without fear of parasites in my water! I'm so SO blessed.
So this is me, starting fresh, anew and changed for the better! I will try to keep things posted about this crazy life of mine - which really isn't mine, but belongs to God. I will try and post a few times per week and keep in touch with all my little lovebugs!