My Healing

“Perfect love casts our all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” 1 John 4:18

 “Put away all harsh words, all evil thinking… and forgive as Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:31 – 32

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16 – 21

So many scriptures on my mind lately. This week, I’ve been digging through Ephesians 2 – 4 and some of Genesis 22 to read about Abraham and his complete trust and surrender to God. It’s encouraging to read about this great man of faith; he KNEW God would do all that He promised. He always fulfills His promises.

This has been a hard year… it’s honestly been a hard for a while. A lot of heartbreak in relationships, friendships, and family.

Over the past few years, I have changed quite a bit, in some good ways, and not so good ways. {But better days ahead}. To briefly share and yet not dwell on things - I’ve had more bullies in my life more as an adult than as a child. Abusive home as a kid. I worked in a verbally abusive environment a few years ago, and before that I was constantly in interaction with this girl who was a bully within my close group of friends. I’ve been in relationship after relationship with men/men-who-aren’t-really-men-and-act-like-boys. Men who are careless with my heart. Constantly getting my heart broken and feeling I’m just not quite good enough. Almost… but not quite. Led on in relationships where they really wanted someone else.

My family life is not healthy. I struggle with a desire to spend more time with those I love so very much, yet we constantly butt heads. And I still feel like I should try because they’re family and I love them. It’s just hard to have a conversation with someone whose normal speaking volume is so loud I need earplugs. I disagree with lifestyles and decisions and it makes no difference. Marriages within my family are struggling, people are hurting, and all I can do is pray. I don’t have the answers. It’s heartbreaking.

Wow. Being very vulnerable on here. Bet you didn’t know all this, huh? 

And over time…. Oh time. Dear time, you pass by so quickly and as life gets busy, my wounds are left unattended. Anger builds up. I run when I’m hurt. I don’t know what to say, so I run. Yes, I think I’m good. No worries here. I think I’m healthy and all is well. And I truly have been "ok."

But why can’t I be more than just ok? Why can’t I be really good? And healthy and at peace? 

In reality, I’m wounded. I’m bleeding.

But at this very moment now, I’m completely surrendered.

See, even after all these years, I still hadn’t allowed God to heal me.  have held onto anger. Ephesians 4 teaches us to put away all anger and not give Satan a foothold, yet that's exactly what I've done. 

I love God. I’ve been a Christian for years. I thought things were good! I’m good! I’ve talked about my past. I’ve prayed. I’ve talked about my present… I’m healed, right?! No. Everything has affected me more deeply than I let on. And all the arrows of my past were never pulled out. The wounds were never tended to... at least not by the ONE who I needed to call upon. 

I was praying last night and God showed me something. I was physically sitting up in my bed, but what I was seeing was a picture of myself bowed over in pain. I saw arrows all over me. Some in my heart, some in my back, my chest, my side. Some were rusted and flaking off onto the ground. Some were red and covered in blood. Some were white and pierced cleanly into me, very sharp.

And there was Jesus pulling each one out and speaking to me – “I see you. I know you. These are deep, but My love is deeper. My love is greater. I love you. Let me heal you. You block your own blessing. Trust Me. Trust Me.”

I have constantly held things back from God. I won’t just release things to Him because in reality I don’t trust Him. Does anyone else feel this way? Do you wrestle with truly trusting God? Do you believe He knows best? Or are you like me, trying to make things happen the way you think they should? And in your stupidity, you even justify your actions? 

For me, I think when you experience so much heartbreak, when you live with people you think would protect you, but actually abuse you…. your view of God is distorted. There are things I’ve believed for you, but not for myself. These wounds can be healed and restored, but for years this perception has caused more pain than anything else.

I haven’t fully trusted Him. Until Now. 

I was reading a lot about Abraham this week. Not a coincidence as I am praying through this surrender. So, I’ll end on this note….

Let it go. Let go of anger. Let go of hurt. Be free. Surrender. Surrender to Him and rest.

Let it go and trust that God is perfect, Sovereign and good… so very, very good. Better than you think He is.

Trust Him. He didn’t orchestrate all that pain. He didn’t. He’s good. He just wants you to Trust Him.

I've truly never loved Him like this before. It's beautiful and new. #freedom

He wants me to trust Him. He wants you to trust Him. Remember He is for you. Not against you. He is good and He loves you. I'm having to remind myself of this... and that He is completely the opposite of all the hate i have seen. That isn't Him. He is good. 

Like Abraham walking up the mountain, my heart completely trust in knowing God will provide and He will take care of me. He just asks me to surrender... to trust. And in that, I can rest. I am healed. I am blessed. I am enough. He is all i need. 

Satan, you can bow out now. Actually, i command it. Thanks. 

Excuse me while I soar

Fear - it's a dirty 4-letter word.  Why should I fear at all?  Where did I get it from?  I believe Satan sees these struggles within us and once he knows how to attack, his goal is to destroy us.  Our fears, if we allow them to, can make us stagnant in our walk with God.  Our fears trap us and keep us from going forward.  Fear affects our witness and the work that we do for the kingdom.  No wonder Satan feeds off of this! 

These past few years, my biggest struggle has been the big question... who am I?  I have worried way too much about what people think.  Fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear of getting hurt.  Too afraid to be myself and say what I feel.  I struggle with not having enough courage and I foolishly put my identity in who people say I am.

{short version of a long story that eventually healed over} A few years ago, there was a young woman that came into my life.  She was a new Christian, struggling with her own insecurities.  I don't think I've ever had anyone be so spiteful in my entire life.  I was around her at least every other week for two years.  I allowed her to belittle me.   It was as if she was stabbing me with a dagger with each word and I never stood up for myself, so I might as well been handing her the darn thing!  One summer we had an all girls vacation and I was upset at something she said.  We came back to the hotel to get ready for our girls night out.  I got in the shower and began to cry.  I could barely catch my breath.  I felt completely rejected and really... unloved.  Then the Lord spoke to me so clearly, I'll never forget it.  He said, 

"My royal daughter, walk with your head raised." 

Notice He didn't say, 'you fearful, little girl.'  Not 'you silly little girl.'  He said, "My royal daughter."  As if He were reminding me of who I am in Him. 

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."  - 1 Peter 2:9

Satan has used people to attack my confidence - non-believers and Christians just the same.  Everyone is facing their own battle.  When Christians let their guard down, they began to walk in the flesh and not the spirit.  Unfortunately I fail miserably everyday.  We don't mean to hurt others but we do.  As far as I can tell, my primary love language is words of affirmation and the other might be acts of service.  When there's someone telling me I'm inadequate, incompetent or not good enough, it cuts really deep.  Positive words can encourage me in a moment and give me confidence.  Positive or negative, I absorb it like a sponge.  I've allowed their opinions to attack my identity and hinder my walk with God.  Negativity eats away at me until my walk becomes a limp and I'm paralyzed with fear.  Fear to not be myself.  Fear that I will always say or do the wrong thing.  I've allowed it to steal my joy. 

Now... I am choosing to ignore those words, rise above their ignorance, and trying to pray for those that hurt me.  {Even if my flesh wants to knock them upside the head}.  I am choosing to soar above them.  My confidence should never be placed in the hands of anyone other than my Lord.  My confidence is in Him alone, for He is my hope and salvation.  My rock and my fortress!  {Psalm 62}

"So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family – calling him "Father, dear Father." - Romans 8:15 NLT

{I freakin' love this scripture!}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There will always be people in my life that try to tear me down.  This is a daily battle I face at work everyday.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of making a mistake - like typing notes using round bullet points when she wanted square.  It sets her off telling me I'm incompetent and she should have done the job herself.  You think I'm kidding?  I seriously need a tape-recorder.  I walk on eggshells everyday.  It's not healthy for me.  Why has God put me there, you ask?   Oh the lesson I have learned!  It's all about my identity and knowing who I am in Him!  A lesson of confidence in being a child of God.  Wow, the revelation of it all!  THAT my dear friends is what God is doing in my life right now.  Ultimately this is my choice.  There will always be people like that, but I can choose to not let their words define me.  I could continue to let it form my identity, but that would mean that I am foolish enough to believe their lies and ignorance.  I can choose to not forgive and be bitter, but where would that get me? 

I'm learning to rise above.  Ohhh the FREEDOM!!!  I feel like a bird that has just left the nest for the first time!  I might fall hard but I'd miss the adventure of learning to fly. 

I am a woman of God, a beautiful, cherished daughter of a King, wholeheartedly loved by my Heavenly Father!  Fear has no place in that love.... so I choose to soar! 

{makes me heart melt a little}