complacency?

 "The deepest conviction of sin is not that of the newly awakened sinner, but that of the most advanced saint, for to his cleansed eye and purged heart sin is a far more hideous and repulsive thing than it can possibly be to one who has just found out that he is guilty before God.  Hence, we may lay it down as a general law, without any exceptions, that when a man congratulates himself on his personal worthiness, he is really unworthy.  Here, he who is satisfied has never really eaten, or, in the words of the hymn, 

"whoever says I want no more, 

confesses he has none." 

Satisfaction with ourselves is a clear indication that God has no complacency in us.  

Humility and holiness go hand in hand."

The Miracles of our Saviour 

by William Mackergo  Taylor  

{i have not yet read this book but found this quote and it kind of struck me}

I read this and kind of tying into that {but kind of not}my mind goes to thinking of how we, as Christians, too often become complacent in our walk with Christ.  We forget the scripture that says "repent daily."  Maybe we feel it's a one time deal, we got our fix and we're good?  As Christian believers, I don't know how many of us often confess our sins daily.  I think those outside the church many times view Christian believers as having this attitude of "holier than thou.  We can sometimes get into this unfortunate mindset of 'I'm a Christian, not a sinner like those other people.'  {uhhhh I hate just typing that}.  It's unfortunate to have this attitude.... because we are saved by His grace, but we fall short everyday. 

When we meet someone who has just come to know Christ, their joy and passion for this new found truth is refreshing!  They know they have sinned and fall short {as we all have} and they jump at the  knowledge of Jesus Christ and the power of the cross!  But we "old" Christians walking with Christ for 10+ years, we don't always recognize this.  {This is totally just a retorical "we" speaking... just my thoughts of how often I do this too casually}.  We casually walk through our daily lives, praying for those that need it, praying when we hear someone is sick, pray when we need help, etc.  That's about it.  We don't jump anymore at the joy of salvation.  We casually call on God for our convenience and not always with a deep reverence for WHO He is. 

I confess – I often forget Who He really is.  I think He will fail me.  I think He’s not for me…. maybe He’s working against me… maybe He hates me, maybe He's just like people here where they fail and sin, they fall short of my expectations.  I forget His Word, I forget the cross, I forget WHO He is.  There was a song that I used to sing titled, "God Forbid."  The words are convicting: 

The more I know your power, Lord
The more I’m mindful
How casually we speak and sing Your name
How often we have come to You
With no fear or wonder
And called upon You only for what we stand to gain

(chorus)
God forbid, that I find You so familiar
That I think of You as less than who You are
God forbid, that I should speak of You at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid

Lord, I often talk about your love and mercy
How it seems to me your goodness has no end
It frightens me to think that I could take You for granted
Though You’re closer than a brother
You’re more than just a friend

(repeat chorus)
You are Father, God Almighty
Lord of lords, your King of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything

(repeat chorus)
God forbid
God forbid

Worship

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  We love because he first loved us."  ~ 1 John 4:16-19 

This scripture is pressing hard on my heart lately.  I can't even read it without my emotions taking over.  For those that know my personal story, which I cannot share on here out of respect to others, I struggle a lot lately with being confident in God's love for me.  

I gave my heart to God when I was 14.  I have read, studied, doubted, ask millions of questions, prayed, been in discipleship programs, involved in church youth group, involved in worship and teaching, etc.  I know about the cross and Christ giving his life for me; I've heard this for years, felt like I understood it, and found myself loving Him more because of His love for me.... then my world gets flipped upside-down and I'm wrestling with this now more than ever.  

It may be wrong to make such a statement as a Christian, as a minister, but I'm being honest, and completely vulnerable... no one really reads this anyways.  :o)  I don't want my faith to waver, but it's hard to look to God like I once did.  I am grieving a great loss. Before the loss of someone I cared so much for, I felt more confident in God.  Now, my heart feels unsure. Someone I should have known much earlier in life, but because of other people's choices, I was kept from this person.

It's hard to worship now. I really try to worship and I hope God sees that and has compassion on me.  I used to be one of the people singing in worship with all of my heart; it came from the deepest part of me. I even used to help with praise and worship music.... but now it's hard to raise my hands.

I want that passion back, I want to feel differently and reach for God with all my heart! I wish I wasn't hesitant. I wish I felt more confident in God's love for me. All I know to do is to try and keep praying and seeking Him, maybe He is teaching me something through this.

I went to the sanctuary yesterday to play the piano.  I used to play a lot.  Always was a natural at it. As I sat down to play in this dark, completely empty sanctuary, I realized there aren't many songs I know by heart.... so I played from my heart as best I could.  Sometimes when I play, I get carried away in worship... as I did this time.  So I played...

This is the air I breathe

This is the air I breathe

Your holy presence

Living in me

This is my daily bread

This is my daily bread

Your very Word

Spoken to me

And I---- I'm desperate for You

And I---- I'm lost without You

It was definitely the deepest part of my heart crying out as I played. I know God sees that.  I pray it is pleasing and moves His heart.