I was just thinking, what if I had gotten everything according to my plan? What have I really learned about myself as a single adult? How would I be different if I had gotten married straight out of college and had kids!? How have I grown because I don't have those things right now? What if I had married any of the guys I've dated? :-/ Ohhhh... so many questions.
I look back on my relationship with God and I feel blessed and loved as a child of God. I see how my dependency on Him has grown over the years. More than anything it was because He was the only one I could really cling to. If I had gotten married already, I don't know if I could honestly say I would love Him as much as I do right now. As with any relationship, my love for Him has grown over time. God has His ways of nudging us to depend on Him and watch His faithfulness. I really am thankful and I love my life. Wow. Didn't know if I'd be able to say that. Yeah. I love my life. It's definitely not perfect, but I see how my struggles make me who I am.
As a single adult, I've learned a lot about who I am. Sometimes, it takes longer for some of us. {I feel like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride where she's learning what eggs she likes} Me? Scrambled. More? Hmm... simply complex. What have I learned about myself? I like being outdoors, love nature, hiking and playing at the lake. I hate shopping for clothes and crowded malls annoy me. Shopping is stressful. Although, I love shopping for food. I love to cook. I love praise and worship music, I have a good ear for music and pitch. I get nervous singing and I'm still learning to let go and just worship. I play piano, took lessons for over 9 years. I like baseball but basketball is my favorite! Go TARHEELS! My all-time favorite hobby is photography, I've considered doing that full-time. My biggest pet peeves are feeling lost and feeling ignored. I hate the out-of-control feeling I get when I'm lost driving somewhere. I hate it when I'm talking and being ignored. I have never been a big flirt, in fact I can be kind of distant with guys I like. I struggle with fear of rejection a lot. I guess you could say I've learned a lot about myself over the years. I just feel like it's taken me longer to bloom and really know who I am.
{Here's a secret} I wasn't your typical little girl that dreamed of her wedding at age 9, spending hours planning a pretend wedding with the boy down the street. I was usually out playing in the woods trying to find a clubhouse to build with some mildew covered boards and fallen trees, or I was playing with my pet bunny Peter. May he RIP. I never wanted to get married until I got to college. I was in this ministry program and one day the Lord led my Pastor to prophesy over me. It was God's way of comforting me because I struggled with so much fear. {Funny, because I never told my pastor} He came to me and said, "you're afraid that everything that was in your past will come out in your future. God says no, that He will bless you and restore everything. Your past will be your past. Do not be afraid. He will bless you."
{heart. melting. now}
I get the question "so why aren't you married yet?" Funny when it comes from someone that's divorced. {Insert sarcastic remark here} How do they really expect me to answer that? If I had gotten married a few years ago.... I definitely wouldn't cling to God as much as I do. I feel like I know Him better, more than just Christ my Savior, but as my provider, my comfort, my friend, my counselor, my healer, and my love.
As for marriage, I want a real man of God. Not some fake crap where they put on an act to impress you. I want something real, genuine. Someone that loves the Lord and I see that in his actions, in the way he treats people, the way he loves people and the way he loves me. I want a man that challenges me to grow closer with Christ, someone who makes me want to seek God more and be a better person. Ohhhh there's so much I'm not saying right now, holding it in because this is an online journal for all to see! {Breathe}
So... yes I am 30 and single, and it's going to be great! You never know, I may just be un-single before 31. :o) I know I need to be more open and not be so distant with guys. I automatically put my guard up and shove any feelings I have to the side, trying to forget. Why? Fear. Stupid old fear. Satan trying to keep me from God's promises. God is at work, I know that. I just wish I knew how to let my guard down and be more open.
Psalm 27:13-14:
"I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD, be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
The promises of God are real and powerful and they will come to pass. I just have to trust Him. I obviously want to be married one day. Don't know who will be the lucky man. ;-) I want to have children and raise them in a loving, Christ-centered home where they are encouraged in their talents and for them to know they are accepted and loved. I want a career that I love! I want to run my own business because I'm sick and tired of people that restrict me, belittle me and don't allow me to be creative and lead! I would rather use my talents, explore my gifts and be my own boss.
My life is ever-changing, always exciting, always something to tell and somewhere to be. Can't wait to see what God has in store. Overall.... 30 is looking pretty good.
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