Oh How He Loves Us

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. " {Eph 3:17-21}


I went to this amazing worship service at church tonight.  I love singing worship songs and being in His presence.  The scripture above was read tonight and it really spoke to my heart.  God has been drawing me to Himself more - to know His heart and find joy in Him.  I feel so loved and blessed, yet this has to be one of the hardest times in my life.  I constantly feel Him drawing me closer and speaking to me.  This may seem weird to some {don't really care} but I feel as if He is leaning in kissing me on my cheek saying "know that you are loved."  {luvvv Him} 
 I share this because for so long I have held my own sin against myself... as if the cross didn't do anything.  I have walked in disobedience to something God spoke to my heart years ago.  I haven't been confident enough to trust Him and believe in His words, but I've let others influence me more than God.  I've allowed the negativity and belittling of others to take hold of me like a dead weight.  I know now that God's will is for me to walk courageously in His love and trust Him.      

Anxiety creeps in and attacks my spirit.  I worry about the future.... if my sin and disobedience have ruined what God had planned.  However... what if what I feel is God's plan is wrong, what if I'm wrong?   What if I've misread everything?  I have free will, I make poor choices and have walked in disobedience.  Have I ruined God's plan for my life? 


I thought I understood grace.  I thought I knew God's love for me and how to love others.  I am still learning so much.  I will never comprehend how much He really loves me.  God's grace is so undeserved, unconditional and beautiful.  I can not ruin God's plan, nor can you.   How could I even think that His grace was so insignificant that it can't cover my mistakes?  His love is so much stronger, deeper and more powerful than I can wrap my mind around.  


Oh How He Loves Us 
{John Mark McMillan}
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Chorus {repeated}

Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus  {repeated}

Preparation

"No, the kind of fasting I want calls you to free those who are wrongly imprisoned and to stop oppressing those who work for you. Treat them fairly and give them what they earn.  I want you to share your food with the hungry and to welcome poor wanderers into your homes. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind.  Then when you call, the LORD will answer.  'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply.  "Stop oppressing the helpless and stop making false accusations and spreading vicious rumors!  Feed the hungry and help those in trouble. 
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The LORD will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.  Your children will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as the people who rebuild their walls and cities." - Isaiah  58:6-12

I've been reading more on these verses and the way God was directing His people to fast.  He was teaching the people to fast so that it honored Him only.  They were fasting to "please themselves." Only with a pure heart can we selflessly serve and love others.   

There's a peace pouring over me like a heavy balm because I know God is at work, even though there have been many times lately where my flesh begins to feel anxious.  God has been speaking to me giving me clarity and guiding me.  I feel as if I am dying to myself... {SO hard} because I can be very stubborn, wanting my own way. 

In verse 10, it says that through the fast "your light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around you will be as bright as day.  The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy too."  For so long, I have struggled wondering if God cares for me at all and through this time, I am realizing more how He wants me to grow and He desires good things for me.  He's not working against me, but He's longs to bless and help me grow to become to woman of God He created me to be.

What I never realized before is that His dreams for me are bigger and better than anything I could have imagined for myself!  This dying process is not easy at all.  It means He is molding me to His image.  He's taking a selfish, sinful pile of dirt and molding it into a beautiful vessel....  that's not easy. 

He is restoring everything that Satan has stolen from me.... confidence, joy, peace, my family, my future - my children, my husband, generations to come!  I see Him working and preparing me for something greater.... I've never felt this way before. {my hands are shaking just writing this} 

This very scripture and others that He has shown me are about praying {being intimate with Him}, fasting, and serving others, and through that comes healing and freedom.  Being intimate with God will change you and change your circumstances.  He works in your favor - whether you see it in that moment or not.  He is revealing to me how much freedom and joy come from serving and how fasting teaches us how to do that.  Fasting teaches us to be rid of our pride, our selfishness and to love as Christ loves.  It's really all about serving one another... and if you can't do that now as a single person, how can you do that when you're married?  Isn't that what marriage is about?  Loving and respecting someone is about serving them and to love them as Christ loves the church.  Yes... God is speaking to me a lot about marriage.  I never thought He would {not like this}.  When you have been hurt, it's just easier to close people off.  God isn't allowing me to do that anymore.  He's gently pushing my heart to move forward and walk in His promises.  I'm constantly hearing His voice and tug at my heart. 

"Be confident in the work I am doing.  Let Me lead."

He's healing me and restoring everything!  There's a sweet freedom that comes from walking in His promises.  He's constantly telling me to look forward and be confident in His promises.  God is fervently preparing me for something bigger.  It's so sweet to feel this intimate with God!  He gives me scriptures {love notes} about love and serving others.  I constantly find myself reading about words of kindness vs. words that are harsh, taking initiative and choosing to love.  Showing grace instead of criticism, being quick to forgive and slow to anger.  He's speaking to me about quality time {a lot}- to know Him deeper and spend time with Him.  One verse has constantly been on my heart in regards to love and serving others....  

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.  It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 

Oh... it's on.

At this time in my life, I have come to a significant realization.  I am starting to realize how much my life has truly been attacked by Satan because he has tried to prevent so many blessings in my life.  I've sat back and whined, been a wimp, no fighting back but I've laid there, feeling defeated and insignificant.  I've complained more than I've prayed.  I've laid down more than fighting for what I want.

I never realized how often I had allowed that to happen until now.... and now I am fighting back.

I refuse to give up, I refuse to feel defeated and run over.  I will fight for my blessings!  God is good, He longs to bless us, He wants to provide and take care of us, He wants to see us live in joy and peace!!!  Yes there will be trials but we have to walk through those with God, trusting that He knows best.

I have allowed Satan to steal my childhood!  I've allowed him to steal my joy, my courage, my family, my friends, attempting to steal my future, my future husband and children and generations to come!  I've seen him attack my self-esteem and steal my joy!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  {This is me on fire!!!!} 

He is like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour.  We forget that so often!  He may devour.  He doesn't do it unless we allow him to.  OMGosh!  The power that lives within us as believers enables us to fight back!    

I can not even describe to you how angry I am at Satan!!!  I hate him for the attacks on my life and my future!  I will fight back.  I will pray and watch God restore everything!  God will restore everything!  I will pray and see God work miracles and bring blessings and promises to pass without the hinderances that have been there before that I've struggled with for so freakin' long.

I have allowed him to steal my joy and my confidence, forgetting who I am in God and this has affected all my relationships!!!  Relationships with friends, with family, with men.  Everything he has tried to take from me, I'm taking back.

Ohhhh..... it's on.

Wait

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

 Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
 Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
 I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
 Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love              
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

I'm a Sprout!

Some of you know that these past couple years have been rough.  {this is not a whiney blog I promise} I have been in an environment where everything I say or do is looked down on.  I've been yelled at for some of the most ridiculous things. I've been told that I'm incompetent. I've had doors slammed in my face and papers jerked out of my hand.  I've dealt with constant belittling and verbal abuse.  It's been incredibly unhealthy and my self-esteem has taken a hit. This has affected all my relationships.

However, this is a new season and things are changing! I'm so excited! I am beyond thrilled to be moving forward in life!!!  :-) 

I have learned a lot from this person. One thing I've learned is to not allow someone's words to form my identity. Just because someone labels you as something doesn't mean that is who you are.  It's hard to overcome this when their words are drilled into you almost everyday.  I honestly had started to believe what they said about me, but their words really mean nothing other than proving their ignorance. 

Romans 8 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible because it talks about our identities in Christ. My identity comes from my Heavenly Father - who loves me, sent His Son to die for me and He calls me beloved, beautiful, His royal daughter.

During youth service a few weeks ago, I was knelt down praying and I found this scripture on a note lying on the floor, as soon as I read it, I thought this is exactly what God is doing right now.

"The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word.  I send it out, and it always produces fruit.  It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands!  Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.  Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up.  This miracle will bring great honor to the LORD's name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love." - Isaiah 55:10-13

This is a reminder of the promises of God - that He is faithful and good.  His word is never lacking in power, it never returns void and there is always a purpose.  Just because we may not see something happen when we think it should, doesn't mean that God is not working.  Why would God not want good things for us?  Why would He put me in a situation of verbal abuse?  Maybe because I worry about what people say, instead of placing my whole heart in Him and holding to His truth.

"Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up."

These last couple of years, I have felt as if I've literally had a thorn choking the life out of me.  Thorns keep plants from growing because they hinder them from getting the nutrients they need.  Flowers eventually become so weak, they can't bloom.  Then all you see is a dying, wimpy leaf lying on the ground, helpless, barely hanging on to its last breath.  What does the gardener do?  I've seen gardners have such a hard time with thorns, they actually have to use a bull-dozer to plow through them.  Sometimes a gardner is able to wear thick gloves and rip the thorns out by hand, but not always.  He may have to re-plant things in a new place so they can grow in a healthy enviroment.  It may take time to rebloom and it won't be easy, but the new soil will be healthy and allow the little flower to bloom.  So.... I'm a sprout!  :-) 

I'm so excited! I see new life, a new season! I see myself blooming! I feel as if I'm this tiny, little bulb breathing air for the first time in years! I see all my friends that have supported me as these beautiful mountains and hills surrounding me bursting into song, praising God for the work He's done!  The new people I am surrounded by have already shown themselves to be uplifting and encouraging, I see them as beautiful trees around me, helping me to grow.  I look up to them and I'm learning a lot already.

I prayed for God to rescue me and He did!  I feel as if He kept digging, cutting through briars and thorns, plowing His way through... fighting for me.  He found a new place to plant me where I can bloom and be restored.  The Lord has been speaking to me a lot about restoration.  Everything that the Lord restores is for His glory, for His kingdom, so that He will be known, but the restoration process is never easy.  Ohhh... the changes in my life that are about to come!  {tear. now}

David Guzik said in his commentary,
"The picture is clear; in His glorious work of restoration, God takes away the barren and the cursed, and brings forth beauty and fruit." 

"Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up. This miracle will bring great honor to the LORD's name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love...." - (myrtle- Hebrew, Hedes, from which comes Hedassah, the original name of Esther. Type of the Christian Church; for it is a lowly, though beautiful, fragrant, and evergreen shrub) Psalm 92:13-14.

This scripture had me thinking if I were a plant, what would I be?  There are so many scriptures that say things like "you will be as a tree...."  or "your mother was as a vine..."  So I am thinking what might I be seen as?  I can tell you what I think or hope to be seen as.... a calla lily. 

One of my favorite flowers is the calla lily.  They're beautiful! The calla lily is one of my favorites because it's beautiful and strong, unlike a daisy or dandelion that if you hit it the wrong way, all the petals fall off. The calla lily doesn't die easily, but it is sensitive to the cold. The stem is long and thick and the roots are strong. They are so elegant and beautiful! They bloom from a bulb so a gardner can actually dig up those bulbs and plant them, so that more will bloom - just because one calla lily bloomed.  {see where I'm going with this} They are sensitive to the frost and they have to have a balance between enough sunshine but just enough shade too. Ok, ok, so maybe I'm a little high maintenance.  :o)

I looked up the symbolic meaning of a calla lily {did not know this until now}, they symbolize a rebirth and restoration. Go figure! They also symbolize "magnificent beauty" and they are used a lot at weddings because of their elegant shape and symbol of new life. I feel as if I am being replanted to bloom and hopefully my little bulbs (testimony) can be used to bless other beautiful, strong calla lilies such as my lifegroup girls at church and I can see the next generation rise up.

Where you sit makes a Difference

How was your weekend?  Mine was wonderful!  I spent Friday being a complete goofball at game night with some friends and I made Snickerdoodles!  YUMMMMM.  I love to cook for people {weird, I know}.  I spent Saturday being productive {somewhat} by cleaning my room, lots of washing going on and I did yoga.  Friday was topped with a night of friends laughing and dancing!  Sunday I spent the day at church with Advance.  Advance is our awesome youth group and I had lunch with my fellow Advance volunteers!  They are amazingly wonderful!  They give so much of their time and energy to this ministry making a huge impact in the lives of students.  I {heart} Advance.  We had our monthly training huddle and lunch.  We had worship {Ahhh-mazing} and the sermon was awesome, then we went outside and had time for fellowship with the students.  I love my girls!  I have the bestest group ever!

In our huddle training on Sunday I was given a print out from the book Intimate Moments With A Savior by Ken Gire.  I must say... Lovvvve it!  At least the print out anyways.  The chapter we looked at was about Mary and Martha, and it was taken from Luke 10:38-42.  It was about the focus of our heart, being intimate with God and having the relationship He longs for with us.  Martha is hard at work in the kitchen preparing the meal for Jesus.  Jesus comes in from a long journey and Mary washes his feet.  Then she just sits at his feet while he tells of the disciples and the long journeys.  Martha is very busy, working hard and getting frustrated with Mary and Jesus.  Her words were "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!"  She accuses Mary of being lazy and she basically says that Jesus has no concern.  Jesus' response is kind, he says  "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."  What can not be taken away from her?  The time spent with him, the fellowship, the words of wisdom, the impact on her life of knowing who He is and how much he loves her.  Intimacy.  

Even as a woman, intimacy is hard for me.  I guess I've always thought women don't struggle with that as much as men do, so I feel like an odd ball. To really be vulnerable with someone and share everything, to talk for hours, pray for one another, to know details about each others life and share that life together - I want that so much but it's hard for me.  I need to be more vulnerable and open... how else will I ever be married?  Intimacy is kind of scary. At least I recognize that and can work through it.  I want to be more open and willing, I want to be a better listener.  Just learning to sit at his feet and listen to every word, letting it sink in and grip my heart.  I want to linger in prayer with him without thinking about what's next on my agenda.  I want my heart to change - to be devoted to him and love him more. 

I don't want to be like Martha but I know I am.  {Eeeee... admiting this on a blog}  I struggle with trying to get everything done that needs to be done.  I pack too many things into one day and run around like a crazy person.  I can be lazy on the weekends and sleep in on Saturdays... and I've watched myself go the whole day without really spending time with my Lord!  Why?  Why?  My focus is so off!  I hate this!  I'm frustrated with myself.  This scripture is convicting.  A little hard to swallow.  I know the story of Mary and Martha but it's been a while since I read it.  I admire Mary's tender heart and how she took time to sit with Jesus.  She just loved him and wanted to know him more.

"And what did Mary do?  All she did was sit.  It was where she sat that made the difference."


Prayer {from book} that I love

Dear Savior at whose feet I now sit,
When you knock on the door to my heart, what is it you are looking for?  What is it you want?  Is it not to come in to dine with me and I with you?   Is it not for fellowship? 
And yet, so often, where do you find me?  At your feet?  No.  In the kitchen.  How many times have I become distracted and left you there.... sitting... waiting.... longing? 
What is so important about my kitchen full of preparations that draws me away from you?  How can they seem so trivial now and yet so urgent when I'm caught up in them? 
Forgive me for being so much distracted by my preparations and so little attracted by your presence.  for being so diligent in my service and so negligent in my devotion.  For being so quick to my feet and so slow to yours. 
Help me understand that it is an intimate moment you seek from me, not an elaborate meal. 
Guard my heart this day from the many distractions that vie for my attention.  And help me to fix my eyes on you.  Not on my rank in the kingdom, as did the disciples.  Not on the finer points of theology, as did the scribes.  Not on the sins of others, as did the Pharisees.  Not on a place of worship, as did the woman at the well.  Not on the budget, as did Judas.  But on you. 
Bring me out of the kitchen, Lord.  Bid me come to your feet. And there may I thrill to sit and adore thee....

Easter Holiday weekend

I left work on Thursday with a feeling of excitement!  It was Easter holiday weekend and I was off work!  I was going to play softball!  Real softball!  For a church league!  Eeeee!  I haven't played since intramural sports in college!  Never been much of a ball player due to lack to arm power and severe clutziness but I was still allowed to play.  I was so excited!  I was doing ok - had some good hits, but my catching and throwing needs work.  It was near the end of practice and I went to catch a fly ball and I put both my glove and my bare hand out.  {Why? I do not know} The softball was flying through the air aiming for my glove and then it randomly decided, 'umm I don't like the looks of that glove, I'm going to hit that little hand right beside it!'  BAMMM!  My hand was hit by the evil softball.  Yeah, it hurt.  It swelled up like a blimp!  I put ice on it overnight and the next day I woke up to a still swollen, blue thumb.  Good Friday was spent running around trying to get errands done and trying to find a family practice open on Easter weekend.  It took me forever to get in touch with anyone, but I finally saw a NP.  She refused to wrap it and advised me to get an x-ray.  She sent me to probably the only family practice opened that day!  Lake Wylie Express Care was awesome.  They don't run like an urgent care so the co-pay is less!  They took an x-ray, found nothing broken but advised me to wear a brace to keep my thumb still because they could find hairline fractures that may not show up right away.  I am not to use my thumb.  Booooo!  Do you realize how much you use your thumb?  It seriously helps you do a lot!  I can't open a door or grab a drink, and it's tricky trying to wash my hair.  My hand-writing looks like chicken scratch. 

Lesson learned - Thumbs are great little phalanges to keep on hand {pun intended} so keep them safe {in a glove}.  Secondly, only use a glove to catch a softball... if they let you play again. 

The rest of my weekend involved visiting family - my Mamaw {mom's mom} who is still recooperating from hip replacement surgery {please pray for quick healing and her ability to walk better} and my other Mamaw {dad's mom} who I just got to hang out with in the kitchen a little bit.  She cooked an awesome dinner and I got to sneak a few bites before I left.  I got see everyone and catch up a little. 

The best part of my weekend was Sunday morning church.  The service was great, the message was taken from Romans 8.  {Love it!} Pastor said it was one of his favorite chapters in the Bible!  Mine too!  I love Romans 8.  It's so powerful, I actually printed it up months ago and taped it to my bathroom mirror. 

The sermon was about the resurrection and the new life we have only through Jesus Christ.  It was a wonderful reminder of God's power living within us as we walk in the Spirit, walking with Jesus Christ guiding us.  Dying to our old nature, our sinful self and becoming more like Jesus.  What if we all behaved like Christ everyday?  Christians are human, full of flaws and weaknesses and we make mistakes.  I fail miserably everyday but I know God loves me and cares for me.  Thank you for nailing my sins to the cross and the blood that you shed Jesus!  The sacrifice you made out of love for me was so pure and wonderful!  Your love is amazing!  Thank you for conquering hell, death and the grave that I may have a relationship with You!  That within itself is amazing!  The fact that because of His sacrifice, the veil in the temple split and we now have a pathway to talk with God, to know Him, to have fellowship with Him and enjoy Him.  Before then... only priests could talk with God.  lol!  Silly Catholics.  That's not needed anymore!  You're missing out!  I love Jesus!