Worship

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  We love because he first loved us."  ~ 1 John 4:16-19 

This scripture is pressing hard on my heart lately.  I can't even read it without my emotions taking over.  For those that know my personal story, which I cannot share on here out of respect to others, I struggle a lot lately with being confident in God's love for me.  

I gave my heart to God when I was 14.  I have read, studied, doubted, ask millions of questions, prayed, been in discipleship programs, involved in church youth group, involved in worship and teaching, etc.  I know about the cross and Christ giving his life for me; I've heard this for years, felt like I understood it, and found myself loving Him more because of His love for me.... then my world gets flipped upside-down and I'm wrestling with this now more than ever.  

It may be wrong to make such a statement as a Christian, as a minister, but I'm being honest, and completely vulnerable... no one really reads this anyways.  :o)  I don't want my faith to waver, but it's hard to look to God like I once did.  I am grieving a great loss. Before the loss of someone I cared so much for, I felt more confident in God.  Now, my heart feels unsure. Someone I should have known much earlier in life, but because of other people's choices, I was kept from this person.

It's hard to worship now. I really try to worship and I hope God sees that and has compassion on me.  I used to be one of the people singing in worship with all of my heart; it came from the deepest part of me. I even used to help with praise and worship music.... but now it's hard to raise my hands.

I want that passion back, I want to feel differently and reach for God with all my heart! I wish I wasn't hesitant. I wish I felt more confident in God's love for me. All I know to do is to try and keep praying and seeking Him, maybe He is teaching me something through this.

I went to the sanctuary yesterday to play the piano.  I used to play a lot.  Always was a natural at it. As I sat down to play in this dark, completely empty sanctuary, I realized there aren't many songs I know by heart.... so I played from my heart as best I could.  Sometimes when I play, I get carried away in worship... as I did this time.  So I played...

This is the air I breathe

This is the air I breathe

Your holy presence

Living in me

This is my daily bread

This is my daily bread

Your very Word

Spoken to me

And I---- I'm desperate for You

And I---- I'm lost without You

It was definitely the deepest part of my heart crying out as I played. I know God sees that.  I pray it is pleasing and moves His heart.

Love, Valentines Day, and a Book

I have a favorite book that isn't talked about very much, at least not amongst people I know.  The book that I'm loving right now is When God Pursues A Woman's Heart.  I'm re-reading it, and only in the beginning of it but already being reminded why I loved it so much the first time I read it. 

This time of year we have a made-up holiday called Valentine's Day.  It's where you take your significant other to some fancy restaurant and buy them a fancy dinner and an over-priced bouquet of roses to impress them.

The truth is a wonderful man of God should come along and take me to a nice restaurant and then to Coldstone Creamery {don't forget the Lactaid}.  Or to Ritas for ice-Italian icecream!  YUM!  :o)  Or something even more wonderfully unique like a random road trip somewhere beautiful, maybe have some crazy fun with a zip-line, or maybe ski together {I need practice first}!  There's lots of unique fun things to do on Valentines Day... maybe someone will read this and take me?  Oh I do love to dream!  I don't have a date and I'm totally making this stuff up just being funny... but it does seem like a great plan, doesn't it?!  :o)  It would be lovely to have the companionship of someone, to spend time just enjoying one another over a nice dinner.

So, the book I'm reading talks about LOVE and being loved by our Creator.  This book makes me think about how God delights so much in His creation - His children and how He loves us more than we can comprehend.... and how He delights so much in us - beautiful women.  There's so much joy He gets knowing us, seeing our hearts, our sensitivity, our laughter, and all the characteristics that make us women.  As I read, I think about how the relationship between man and woman is truly beautiful and unique, and God takes great joy in that too!  But I also think about the relationship between woman and her Creator.  I think about how God sees me as a woman, how different His delight is for me, than for anyone else.  He uniquely created me and you, and we bring Him joy. 

I think about the many times when I don't seek Him, when I forget to pray, when I'm lazy and don't feel like talking with Him, when I am tempted to walk away from my faith in Him {yes this happens} and I realize how heartbroken He is for me in those moments and how His compassion reaches out.  God understands the tears, He sees my pain and weeps with me.  I realize how this relationship I have with God is not something to take lightly, but He is a jealous God who will not let go.  This is a relationship He fights for, winning my heart again and again. 

In the beginning of the book, it talks a lot about the Garden of Eden and how Eve walked with God... then the fall to sin came and their relationship changed drastically.  It became harder to commune with Him because of sin.  Not only do we still feel that heartbreak and we have that longing in us to want to be with Him.... but imagine how He feels.  I forget about that.  He is a jealous God.  Loving us unconditionally, faithfully, and without waver.  Imagine how He felt to not have that intimate communion with Eve anymore.  I think it broke His heart, more than it did Eve. 

It's a great book, I highly recommend it for any woman.  If you don't have a date for Valentine's Day, go to a bookstore or alibris.com and get this book.  :o) 

It feels good to at least began to understand the love and desire God truly has for me.  Have a great Valentine's Day, with or without a date!

giving up

I think there is the good kind of giving up and the bad kind of giving up. 

I am hopefully "giving up" in a good way.  I'm tired of hoping and praying for this idiot of a guy to pursue me.  If it's been this long {SO FREAKIN' LONG} and he hasn't stepped up.... then he's just out of luck... and a chicken might I add.  And I do mean HE is out of luck and it's his loss.  I deserve better. 

I want more... someone who knows what he's got, realizes that I am a woman of God - wonderful, beautiful and worth more than any other woman he's known. 

I pray for a man that pursues me and loves me, who has a heart that loves God and prays about who God wants him to be - a leader, a man of integrity and strength... and we can center our relationship around God. 

Someone I have fun with and laugh with... even if my loud laugh embarrasses him a little.  Someone who is silly and playful with me.... but in our moments of weakness and tears can be vulnerable and speak our minds, and we can be there for each other. 

Ohhhhh.... at times i feel like i'm in a dream world.  Maybe I should stick with kissing frogs instead?  :o) 

Showing grace can be SO hard sometimes....

The other week was so long and exhausting.  I worked longer hours than normal because of some new supplies to gather for curriculum, with so much typing I felt like my fingers would fall off and my brain was starting to hurt from so much thinking and analyzing all the details. 

I. was. exhausted. 

I later went out and as I'm on my way to this "event" I pull into the wrong parking lot.  I stumble, walking to the door only to find it locked and no one to let me in.  Then I have to walk back to my car, with my legs in pain to drive around to correct parking area.  While on my way, this car cuts me off in the parking lot. 

I honked to let them know that I almost hit them because they cut over with no notice, no blinker.  They didn't look where they were going, so I honked.  I promise, I did not lay on the horn and I really don't think I was rude, I was just telling them 'hey you need to watch out.'

So I go in to order pizza, because I've been up since 6:30 a.m. and all I had was coffee and a crossiant and at this time it is now about 6:00 p.m.  I was SO very hungry.  I found some change in my purse and went to order a slice only to have the SAME group of inconsiderate girls cut ahead of me in line and take the last of the pizza.

I wish I was kidding. 

Let's just say I was not very happy and not feeling like being very friendly and nice to anyone, particularly to them.  I was already exhausted and very hungry, which honestly makes me moody.  They weren't exactly helping.  Later on that evening, I sit down to read some scripture and make myself some nice little notes.... and find the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart "show the same grace that I have given you." 

Well.... Dangit.  That's not exactly what I wanted to hear.  It was much easier to just feel frustrated and to give some chics the evil eye.  So here I am, writing about this conviction in my heart.  It reminds me of the prayer Jesus teaches us to pray... the key verse that sticks out to me now is Matthew 6:12:

"Forgive us our debts as we have also forgiven our debtors." 

So, I suppose this is an answer to my prayer that I had actually prayed early that morning...

"God make me the woman You want me to be.... as I am so not, I'm so imperfect, evil and selfish, and I need You to help me.  Make me over." 

So this is Him at work.  I'm glad I can recognize it.  

Understanding the Gospel

In the middle of sitting down for a good read, I overhear conversations that can be quite interesting, sometimes funny, sometimes convicting, and sometimes heartbreaking.  A few months ago, I heard someone mention a Haiti mission trip to a friend and she brought it up because she thought the other lady was going on the trip.  This lady, very prim and proper, made-up in layers of make-up with a Scarlett O’Hara-attitude belted out in hilarious laughter at the fact that her friend thought she would EVER go out of the country to serve on a mission trip.  She was laughing and said that if she can’t fix her hair and make-up, then she won’t go.  She continued talking about putting her make-up on every day and how long it takes her to get ready, and that it if it wasn’t for a vacation where she was pampered in a nice hotel, she wasn’t going.

Honestly, overhearing this conversation made me upset… maybe that seems wrong and now someone reading this is judging me, but I just couldn’t help but look on in disappointment.  I know this person is  a Christ follower, doesn’t she know we are all called to serve?  Does she understand the gospel at all?

“For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve others and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

I might hit a nerve; maybe this is blunt, but if Christ, the HOLY Son of God Almighty, came to SERVE you and I, are we better than Him that we can not humble ourselves and sacrifice something within ourselves to serve others?  Jesus came to be the suffering servant of God to save those that the rich wouldn’t go near – to love those that were seen as outcast.  HE came to serve.  Why shouldn’t we?

I can’t help but wonder if these things in this particular lady’s life are more of a hindrance than anything else? If these things are her “treasures” – as Jesus tells us “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  What will it take to break her vanity and humble her to serve in the true meaning of the gospel? - which honestly has no concern for what people look like. 

Serving in America is one thing and it can humble you, and there is so much work that can be done in our own hometowns! However, when we step unto foreign soil and work with the people who appear to have so little, it will break your heart and change your life if you allow it to. Things like hair, make-up, brand-name clothes and warm showers - things you once thought important become the least of your concern. The people are so wonderfully joyful and giving, they're so loving!  The people i have met have been such a blessing in my life, truly a ray of sunshine in my life, and I admire them. So many times I felt like they were serving me more than I was serving them... it was humbling. 

Yes, I know, this lady may tell herself that she serves in other ways, but after listening to her, I have a hard time believing it is any sort of sacrifice. She spoke as if it were outrageous and horrible for her to not take a shower or do her hair.  Outrageous.... really? 

How about someone who has a parasite living inside them because they take baths in the river because they don't have a shower? I would consider that slightly more horrible, outrageous and life-threatening.

Going overseas outside of my comfort-zone was eye-opening. It stirred something up in me about servant others. {For even the Son of God came to serve...} We ran a small medical clinic for people to receive free medical care that they very much needed and the entire time we were there, there were volunteers from the community caring for our team. The volunteers cared and loved on us. They served us in so many ways.. but my mindset was to go to serve them. It was so sweet and they reflected the heart of Christ more than most. 

We are so spoiled in America.  Believe me when I say I understand suffering and hardship, but I also know that my life could be very different outside of this home. I am thankful.

It just frustrates me to hear spoiled, grown Christian women, talk about how they "simply can't live without a shower and hairdryer."  I don't mean to sound judgmental, so I apologize. And maybe there are things for me to learn about this and see it differently. It is simply hard for me to understand how someone who I know is a Christ follower has such a narrow understanding of the gospel and what it means to serve as Christ served.

reaching my goals

This past weekend I had a big accomplishment for myself.... I ran my first 1/2 marathon!  I will say that my training for it took a backseat a few weeks prior and I was worried I would not do as well as I hoped.  Two years ago I was running 7 miles twice a week, at a 10:30something mile pace.... while I like that, I have not be able to train as hard this time and wasn't sure what I was going to do. 

In my training lately, I haven't even had a watch to clock myself and the website runkeeper has been giving me a hard time so I haven't even kept up with the mileage each time.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  So I had no clue what I was doing in my training. 

I asked so many people for prayer and told them I literally could not do it without God helping me.... and I never wanted this to sound cliche' but I constantly said "the Lord is my Strength."  Literally I know that HE gives me every breath, He gives me strength, and He is glorified in what I do when I acknowledge Him.  I prayed almost the entire time I was running. 

I may have fallen behind in training but I had already paid a lot of money, I had never been to Savannah before, and I was just too excited about the race that I couldn't not do it.  So... I ran.  Hard.  And my time was 2:18:23.  I kept a 10:34 pace almost the entire time.  I honestly praise God for this.  It just makes me realize that He truly is wonderful, strong and faithful - even when we are not.  And if I can recognize Him in things I do, like running, He gets glory from that. 

Now... I only ask of those reading this to please pray that my recovery would be better.  Right now, asthma has been acting up a lot more and it hurts my chest.  Please pray for a smoother recovery.  Thank you friends!

I'm all His. 

heartbroken

Dear friends,
Please pray for me as my heart is completely shattered after losing someone so dear to me.  Thank you.

~Autumn